Spiral
by Brandywine421
Summary: Fire strikes the Cohen home.
1. Prologue

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related.  
AN: Okay, folks. This is a dark story, deals with death and loss and general angst. This is just the teaser, I've been posting it on LJ but it's new to ffnet. No flames, please.__ If you don't like the direction it's heading in...you might not want to read any more...it's angsty, dammit!! The song playing in the background is Interpol's Stella Was A Diver..._

* * *

The fire alarm didn't go off until the flames started to melt through the plastic. 

Seth's stereo was on, playing the sounds of Interpol as he slept soundly in his girlfriend's arms. Summer wasn't supposed to stay overnight but his parents had already gone to bed by the time he smuggled her in. They'd only recently gotten back together and he didn't want to spend a night away from her now that he'd regained her trust.

Something in the walls of their new family room had started the blaze. Crossed wires too close to the insulation or a spark from something faulty, they wouldn't know until it was too late.

Ryan saw the flames first, the orange flickering catching his attention as he rolled over in his sleep. He closed his eyes at first, thinking that it was a trick of the reflections across the pool but after a moment, his sleepy brain caught up to his eyes and he knew.

The house was on fire.

He sat up with a jolt. The house was on fire?

_When she walks down the street … she knows there's people watching…_

Sandy woke up mid-cough. He couldn't see his wife beside him through the smoke. Something was horribly wrong, he hadn't smoked since college…

_…the building fronts are just fronts to hide the people watching her… she once fell through the street …_

"Cohen…Cohen, wake up!" Summer shook her boyfriend roughly. She didn't want to hurt him but there was smoke everywhere and it was only getting thicker and he wouldn't wake up…

_…down the manhole in that bad way… the underground drip …it's just like her scuba days…_

Kirsten didn't know what was happening, all she knew was that Sandy was holding something over her mouth and she couldn't see him. She started to struggle but his hands held her steady and his voice was hoarse in her ear. "Don't panic, just walk…we have to get out…"

_…daze…_

Ryan dragged his bedspread out of the poolhouse and dunked it in the pool so it was dripping with water. When he made it to the kitchen doors, he couldn't see inside because of the smoke. He draped the blanket around him and had his collar pulled up so he was breathing through the fabric, hoping that it would protect him from some of the stifling smoke. The heat was devastating when he finally made it inside. He yelled through his shirt, using the deep breath that he'd taken outside.

"Sandy! Kirsten!!" They were on the first floor, they were on the same floor as the fire.

_…she was all right cause the sea was so airtight she broke away…she was all right cause the sea was so airtight she broke away …she was all right but she can't come out tonight she broke away …she was all right yeah the sea was so tight, air-tight … she broke away…_

"Cohen…please, wake up…I need you to get me out of here…" Summer was sobbing and shaking him and he still wouldn't wake up. She'd gone to the door but it was hot and all those years of fire training in elementary school had taught her that if the door was hot…don't open it. Seth wouldn't wake up and she couldn't breathe…

_…Stella…_

"Ryan!" Sandy spotted the moving figure in front of him and released Kirsten into his arms, unable to drag her any further through the heat.

"I've got her…we have to get out…" Ryan's voice was calm and soothing and Sandy was grateful for the hand that gripped his wrist tightly.

He needed to breathe but it was still too hot and all he could see was smoke. The grip on his wrist tightened as he heard the breaking of glass and then suddenly, he could breathe.

_…bottom of the ocean she dwells …bottom of the ocean she dwells from crevices caressed by fingers and fat blue serpent swells …_

Kirsten choked on the fresh oxygen as she dropped the towel from her face and pulled Sandy close to her. They were both gasping for breath and she realized that his skin was hot from the heat…she was hot, too but as long as they were okay, everything would be okay. The house was just stuff…Sandy was alive and she was alive…but she didn't see Seth. She barely registered Ryan's form disappearing back into the broken window he'd just pulled them through.

_Stella ... Stella ... oh Stella…_

_"_Ryan, no…stop, don't go back…" Sandy started, but it was too late, the teenager hadn't even acknowledged him before crawling back into the fire.

"Seth's not here…he's not out yet…" Kirsten said, clinging to him.

_…Stella I love you Stella I love you Stella I love you … she was all right cause the sea was so airtight she broke away … she was all right cause the sea was so airtight she broke away… _

_"_Summer? Summer…are you all right?"

Chino's voice startled her and she reached out for him immediately, her eyes tearing up due to the smoke. His strong hands gripped her by the elbows, pulling her to her feet.

"No, wait…take Seth, I can't wake him…" she said, shaking his hands off her arms and pushing him back toward the bed.

_…well she was my catatonic sex toy love-joy diver… well she was my catatonic sex toy love-joy diver …she went down down down there into the sea …she went down down down there down there for me …_

"Oh god, Sandy, where are they? Why hasn't he come out yet? What's taking so long?" Kirsten had quickly recovered enough to panic and despite the sirens that had started to echo through the night, she wanted her son.

"He's fine, I'm sure he's fine…Ryan will get him…Ryan will get him…" Sandy started chanting the words like a mantra, rocking Kirsten in his arms on the front steps of their house. The flames were visible around the side now, the window they had escaped from now blocked with fire.

_…right on … oh yeah … right on…_

Ryan's blanket was on fire. He knew it as soon as he walked through what he thought was the kitchen. He had Seth's limp body tossed over his shoulder, the closest thing he could get to a fireman's carry with Summer's petite body attached to him. The blanket wasn't wet anymore, just scorched and flames were dragging behind him, literally licking his heels. Summer took every step with him, her arms laced around his waist under the blanket. He couldn't let her realize that they were on fire, just like he couldn't let her realize that he couldn't breathe. She was holding him so tightly and there was no clean air inside anymore but he had to get them out. He had to get Seth out. He had to keep moving…

_…There's something that's invisible…there's some things you can't hide…try to detect you when I'm sleeping…in a wave you say goodbye…_

"Thank God…" Sandy said, pulling away from the paramedic and hurrying over as Ryan fell to his knees. His boys, his kids were out, they weren't burning like the rest of the house, they were safe…

Ryan was coughing and couldn't seem to stop as he gently lowered Seth's body to the ground. Summer was barely dressed under the blackened blanket and she started to cough, too as the medics rushed over.

"He's not breathing…" Ryan said, his blue eyes wide with panic and bloodshot from the smoke. He turned to Sandy. "He's not breathing, Sandy…"


	2. One

_"Last night it came as a picture  
With a good reason, a warning sign  
This place is void of all passion  
If you can imagine it's easy if you try  
Believe me I failed this effort  
I wrote a reminder this wasn't a vision  
This time where are you __Houston__  
Is somebody out there will somebody listen…"  
__--Blink 182_

"Daddy!" Summer jumped off the gurney and dove into her father's arms, ignoring the nurses and doctors that were trying to tend to her.

"Summer, are you all right? Are you burned?" He held the oxygen mask over her face and led her back to the hospital bed. His face was drawn with concern.

"I'm fine, I got out, but Cohen, they won't tell me what's happening, they won't tell me anything, I can't even find Chino and I have to know…" she said, her words hoarse and urgent.

"Okay, honey, you have to calm down, I'm sure if you're calmer and more relaxed that they'll stop worrying about you and tell you what's going on, just relax…" he urged, nodding to the doctor as he helped her back onto the bed.

"Daddy…it was so scary…"

"What were you doing over there?" he asked, smoothing her hair.

"I snuck out…his parents' didn't even know I was there…if Chino hadn't come, I would…" she collapsed into tears again. She started to struggle for breath and her father tried to calm her.

"Shh, baby…just breathe, you're safe…" he urged.

"Please, will you make sure Cohen's okay?"

"Cohen…"

"Find Chino, he'll know…"

"Summer, baby, who's 'Chino'?" he asked.

"Ryan, he's Seth's brother, his foster brother…"

"Will you relax and let them help you if I find out?"

"Yes, I'll be still, I promise, if you just find out that they're okay," Summer promised, glaring at the nurse that was standing nearby with a stethoscope.

"I'll be right back, just relax, okay?" he urged, squeezing her hand and hurrying out of the room.

The ER was a flurry of activity on a good night and tonight wasn't a good night. Dr. Roberts stopped one of the interns in the hall. "I'm looking for the Cohens…"

"Are you family?"

"Their son is my daughter's boyfriend, she won't cooperate until I tell her something…" Dr. Roberts explained, flashing his ID at the man.

"Oh, I can take you to the parents, the boys are being worked on," the man said, flushing slightly.

"Are they all right?"

The intern lowered his voice. "Both of them inhaled a lot of smoke. Your daughter is lucky to be alive, the boys…we don't know yet." He glanced around. "I'll take you to Mr. Cohen…"

Dr. Roberts followed the man to a curtained area where Sandy Cohen was seated on a gurney with an oxygen mask over his face.

"Neil, how's Summer?" Sandy asked immediately.

"They say she's going to be okay. She's upset, they won't tell her about Seth…"

"I know how she feels, they won't tell us anything either, and Kirsten, they had to sedate her because she wants to see them…" Sandy said hoarsely.

"Did you know she was there?" Neil asked.

Sandy shook his head. "I didn't even know they were back together, Neil. Seth's not supposed to have overnight guests…especially female guests…I'm so sorry…"

Neil nodded. "She could have been killed tonight…but it's not your fault. She said that Ryan got her out?"

"The kid went back in after getting me and Kirsten out…he saved us all…and now I don't even know if he's all right…" Sandy said.

"I'll find out what I can, Sandy. Is there anyone I can call?"

"Kirsten's father is on the way…thanks, Neil. I'll come see Summer as soon as they clear me, see if I can calm her down," Sandy offered.

"Thanks. I'll be back if I find out anything, okay?"

Sandy nodded his appreciation.

Dr. Roberts walked back into the hallway and spotted the same intern and waved him over. "Where're the boys?"

"Sir, I can't…"

"You can't tell them anything, and I understand, but I'm a member of the staff here and I'm asking you to take me to these patients. You won't get in trouble…"

The man glanced around nervously but finally sighed, leading him towards the trauma areas.

"This is Seth's room," the man said. Dr. Roberts stepped inside. He heard the familiar sound of the flat line as the doctors struggled with the crash cart. He waited until he heard the beeping regain a normal rhythm before stepping out again.

"He's been unconscious since they brought him in, he's not getting oxygen…" the intern said. He pointed across the hall. "His brother's not much better, but he's conscious. He's been putting up quite a fight since we told him that Seth's not doing so well…"

"You told him?" Neil gasped, startled.

"He broke away from the orderlies and saw them working on him…they've got him restrained now…" the man explained.

"Can I see him? See if I can calm him down?"

The intern hesitated but finally shrugged. "You're the boss…good luck…"

Neil walked into the room. He'd only seen the Cohen's foster son at Newport gatherings and never spoken to him in person. He didn't know why he thought he could calm him down, but from Summer's stories about Marissa and Seth, he knew that the boy was loyal and known for ignoring his own safety for others.

"Ryan, you have to stop fighting us…you're not making this any easier…" the nurse was saying. The doctors were monitoring his breathing from nearby, studying x-rays and monitors.

"Can I?" Neil stepped over into Ryan's line of sight. His blue eyes were dark with panic and his entire body was tensed against the restraints holding him to the bed. He was wheezing and gasping for breath despite the oxygen. "Ryan…I'm Summer's father, the doctors are with your family…" he started.

"Are they okay? Kirsten and Sandy? Is Seth okay?" Ryan asked in a rush.

"The doctors are with them…if you cooperate, you'll get to see them sooner, okay? If you keep fighting the doctors, they'll keep you here longer and you won't know anything…are you listening?"

Ryan nodded and seemed to relax his muscles. The nurse gave Neil a grateful look and deftly inserted an IV into his arm and taped it down.

"Don't worry about anyone, Ryan, the doctors are taking care of your family, but you have to stop fighting the doctors so you can see them, okay?"

"Okay…Summer's okay?"

"She's fine. She wanted me to check on you…"

"And Seth? You checked on Seth?" Ryan asked immediately.

"The doctors are with him, Ryan, okay? That's all I know. We're not lying to you, we just don't know anything yet…are you going to let them help you?"

"Yeah…I'm sorry…" Ryan apologized to the nurse, closing his eyes and taking a labored breath of the oxygen.

"That's a good boy…thank you, Dr. Roberts," the nurse said.

"Someone will be back to check on you, okay? Don't fight them…if you have questions, ask them, but they're only trying to help you, okay?"

"I'll try…" Ryan rasped, not opening his eyes as he continued to struggle for breath. The nurse gave Neil a nod and reached over, brushing the boy's hair aside to try and comfort him.

Neil left him, needing to be close to his daughter.

------ - - ----------- - -- ----------- - ----------- --------- - -- ------------ - ---------------- -- ----------------

He couldn't help it. He couldn't be here, strapped down to a bed when Seth could be dying, he shouldn't be here, if Seth was dying, he couldn't be here…his brain wouldn't shut down long enough for him to even process staying still.

Every breath he took hurt his throat and the oxygen still tasted like smoke. It hurt to breathe but he'd never been so grateful for the pain.

Mr. Roberts had shown up hours ago, before they'd sedated him, before he'd woken up in a different room with his heartbeat up on a monitor beside him. Taunting him. Taunting him because he was alive and he didn't know about Seth. He'd tear that machine off its wheels if he wasn't strapped down to this damned bed.

It wasn't fucking fair. All they'd been through already, Seth had just gotten Summer back, Kirsten had just forgiven her father and accepted Lindsay as a sister and his girlfriend. Sandy had taken his first case as a free agent. It wasn't fucking fair for it to all go down in flames.

The Atwood Luck had finally infected the Cohens.

He shook off the thought. For once, this wasn't his fault…except he should have gone for Seth first. Seth's room was on the second floor and everyone knew that smoke would rise, he should've gone there first.

He had to get out of here…he knew if he kept trying that he could get his wrists out of these restraints…

"Ryan?" The door opened and he recognized Summer from across the room. "Oh, god…what are they doing to you?" She shuffled over to him wearing blue hospital scrubs and immediately started unstrapping him.

"Summer, what happened? Where's Seth, where're Sandy and Kirsten?" He asked immediately, not recognizing his hoarse whisper as his voice.

"They're…oh god, you haven't seen them, have you…they're upstairs in the waiting room…Cohen's in ICU…" Summer whispered as he sat up.

And Ryan knew. He'd failed. Seth was in ICU. Intensive Care. Seth needed intensive care. He didn't care if he was untied anymore. There was nothing he could do. Seth was in intensive care.

"Chino?" Summer whispered when he lay down again. "Ryan…"

"He's not going to make it, is he?" he asked, searching Summer's face.

"He…he's got some serious lung damage, Ryan…I don't know why he's so much worse off than I am…but he hasn't woken up at all…" Summer said and he noticed her red-rimmed eyes. She looked like he felt. Devastated.

"Why aren't you with him?" he asked finally.

"I…they won't let me see him. And you shouldn't be alone…he'd be right here with you if he could be…and I can't sit up there with Kirsten and Sandy without you…I need to be close to him…and that's you right now…god, I'm not making sense…" she muttered, turning away.

"No, Summer…I'm glad you're here…"

Before he could react, she wound her arms around him and held him tightly. The only thing he could do was reciprocate.

"I wish you could tell me that everything would be okay…that Seth would be okay…but I won't put that on you…" she whispered.

He wished he could tell her, too. But he'd have to believe it first.

"Mr. Atwood? What are you doing? Young lady, he's not supposed to have any visitors, we haven't even let his guardians see him yet, what are you doing here?" The nurse's voice was harsh from the doorway.

"You've got him tied down like he's some kind of animal, that's cruel and unusual punishment," Summer snapped immediately. Ryan didn't know Summer as well as Seth did, but her bouts of anger were notorious and he recognized the look in her eyes. She was about to blow.

"He has some serious health issues right now, we're not doing this to be cruel, we have to monitor him closely…"

"Not telling his parents where he is when they already have one son in ICU is even crueler. If he needs help, help him, don't fucking tie him down and make him more stressed out and angry than he already is. I'm not leaving until you let someone come and sit with him," Summer retorted.

The nurse was flushed and turned immediately, hurrying out of the room.

"Summer. Are you all right?" Ryan asked, reaching out and putting an arm around her shoulder.

"I…I don't think so…" she whispered after a long pause.

"I know how you feel…" he replied, squeezing her shoulder.

"You're bandaged…did you get burned?" Summer motioned to the bandages on his arms and neck.

He hadn't even noticed. "I don't think so…" He lifted one of the bandages slightly on his arm. "Stitches…I must've cut myself…honestly, I don't know how I got you guys out…I brought Sandy and Kirsten out through the window…"

"I couldn't see anything, I was under the blanket with you…" Summer replied.

"I couldn't see much myself through the smoke…" Ryan admitted.

"The Cohens…they're worried about you, too but the doctors haven't let them see you…" Summer said.

"Sit down, Summer…you have to be tired, too…want some oxygen?"

She settled onto the bed beside him, lowering one of the rails. "No, thanks, Chino. I think you need as much as you can get."

The door opened again and the nurse walked in with Kirsten and Caleb.

"Ryan…thank god, honey, are you all right?" She was by his side immediately, embracing him.

"Fine, what about you? What about Sandy?" he asked, reluctantly releasing her. He was so glad to see her, to see that she was okay.

"We're fine, Ryan, you got us out in time…Sandy's upstairs with Seth, they're letting him sit with him…" Kirsten said.

"Don't take off that oxygen until the doctor clears you," the nurse said before leaving them again.

"Summer says that Seth…"

Kirsten opened her mouth to respond but closed it, glancing at Caleb.

"Don't worry about that right now. They're doing everything they can," he answered.

Ryan met Summer's gaze. She knew, too. They knew what this meant…

------ - - ----------- - -- ----------- - ----------- --------- - -- ------------ - ---------------- -- ----------------

Lindsay opened up the door in her pajamas, she hadn't even taken the time to put on slippers or a robe because whoever was banging on the door didn't seem in the mood to wait.

"Marissa?" she asked, squinting through her sleep at the figure on her porch.

"Lindsay…"

"God, it's like, four am…" Lindsay realized.

"I know, I'm sorry, but my mom just told me and I don't want to go over by myself and Summer's in the hospital, too so…" Marissa said in a rush, tears streaming down her face.

"Wait, slow down, you said 'hospital'?" Lindsay asked.

"Yeah, the Cohens, their house, it burned down, they're all at the hospital and my mom just told me…you didn't know?"

"No, god, are they okay?"

"Mom says that Kirsten and Sandy are all right…she didn't know about Ryan or Seth or Summer…she said that Ryan saw the fire first and went in to get them out…he's so fucking stupid sometimes, he puts himself in danger so much…" Marissa sniffled, wiping her face.

"Come in, give me five minutes and I'll come with you," Lindsay said immediately, pushing all jealousy aside for the moment.

Marissa followed her up the stairs to her room. "The Cohens, they're so great, and I know you don't know them very well, but they've really been there for me, through everything and even though Ryan and me, we're not together anymore, they've still always been there for me…this whole thing just sucks…"

Lindsay started changing into jeans and a sweatshirt. She didn't have time to worry about Marissa standing behind her, she had to get to Ryan, she had to make sure he was okay, that Kirsten was okay…

"Lindsay? What's going on?" her mom asked from the hallway.

"It's the Cohens, Marissa came to get me, there was a fire at their house, they're all in the hospital…" Lindsay replied, stepping into her tennis shoes without socks.

"Oh no, is there anything I can do?" her mom asked Marissa.

"I don't know, my mom's handling the press right now and I don't know if they'll even let us see them, but I can't just sit at home and not be there," Marissa replied.

"Do you want me to drive you?" She offered.

"Um…" Marissa looked to Lindsay.

"Caleb's there, Mom. Can I call you when we know something?" Lindsay said.

"Sure. Call me as soon as you know or if there's anything they need. Okay?"

"I promise, Mom," Lindsay said, grabbing Marissa's arm with one hand as they rushed out of the house.

"I didn't know your phone number, I should've called first," Marissa said as she pulled off the curb.

"Marissa, its fine, thank you for even thinking of me…"

"Ryan really cares about you, and you're Kirsten's sister so you should really be there…" Marissa replied.

"Yeah...so, do you know what happened?"

"My mom didn't know anything. She's such a bitch…but she seems really upset," Marissa admitted. "The whole house is just gone…"

God…Lindsay couldn't even fathom it. How could that big-ass mansion just be gone? Smoldering? God…and Ryan had gone into the fire…she shook off her fear. No matter how scared and worried she was, they were more scared. She needed to be there.

"I think Ryan's doing better than Seth…but if something happens to either of them…I don't know how they'll go on…they're nothing alike, but I don't think Ryan could live without Seth…and Seth's already proven that he'll leave if Ryan's not here…" Marissa whispered.

She was right. Lindsay knew it. She'd been annoyed and aggravated by Seth so many times, but Ryan never seemed to mind. Ryan loved Seth like a brother. He didn't mind Seth's mindless babbling or self-centered monologues, he accepted him as he was. He'd be distraught if anything happened to Seth.

"We're almost there," Marissa said. Lindsay glanced down and saw that Marissa was holding her hand tightly. She was so scared that she hadn't even realized.

------ - - ----------- - -- ----------- - ----------- --------- - -- ------------ - ---------------- -- ----------------

"Mr. Cohen? I'm very sorry…the damage to his lungs was irreparable…we've done all that we can…"

Sandy didn't register the man's words. He knew…he knew that Seth couldn't be dead. He'd seen his son last night, he'd thrown cheese at him when he said something crude about Julie Cooper, he'd scolded him about using too many minutes on his cell phone, he still had to ground him for having Summer stay overnight…he couldn't be dead.

"Do you want to see him? Before we take him downstairs?"

Sandy didn't even look up. Kirsten was visiting with Ryan and they'd only kicked him out of ICU a few minutes earlier. He'd been alive when he saw him last. Now they wanted him to look at him dead?

"Sir?"

"I need to talk to my wife…" he whispered.

"Sandy?" Kirsten's voice startled him and he glanced up. She was standing in the doorway with Caleb. "What's going on? How's Seth?"

"He's…" Sandy couldn't say it. It wasn't true. He looked away. He couldn't face her. As much as he needed her, he couldn't tell her that her son was dead.

Kirsten let out a wail and Caleb immediately reached out to catch her before she collapsed. "Sandy…no…"

He wanted to go to her. Tell her that it wasn't true. Tell her that it was all a big mistake…but he couldn't move.

His son was dead.

Seth was dead.

He felt Kirsten's arms around him. She was shaking him, crying and sobbing. She needed him to be strong, she needed him to be her rock.

But his son was dead. Their son was dead…


	3. Two

_I wish I could say something  
instead of sitting here numb.  
I wish my mind, I wish my mind  
was not such a loaded gun…"  
__--Dog's Eye View_

Ryan wanted to sleep. The drugs they were giving him wanted him to sleep. His eyes were even closed. But he couldn't.

He had slid over to one side of the hospital bed to allow space for Summer's petite body. She had fallen into a restless sleep a few minutes earlier after the nurse had left.

Seth was in ICU. Seth's lungs weren't working. Seth was in ICU.

He'd done all he could. He had to make himself believe that. He'd gotten Seth out of the fire. He'd…he wasn't supposed to be hurt, he wasn't supposed to be not breathing when he'd put him down in the driveway…none of this was supposed to happen.

He was supposed to protect Seth. It had never been said to him outright…but he knew that it was his job. Seth was a naïve soul, he was impulsive and innocent and never thought about the consequences of his actions…he was pure and Ryan was supposed to make sure that he never got hurt. It's what brothers were supposed to do.

He'd failed. Seth was hurt. He was damaged now. Even if he did recover…he'd never be the same. He had lung damage. That's not something a band aid or a prescription could fix. His lungs were damaged.

If he died…he shook off the thought. He couldn't think about that. Seth wouldn't die. He couldn't…he was Seth…Seth was too…he couldn't die.

The door opened and Caleb walked in.

"What?" Ryan asked immediately, reading his face. He knew something had happened.

"Ryan…I don't really know how to say this, son, but…"

"Oh god…he's dead?" Summer sat up.

Caleb didn't reply immediately.

"No. No way…" Ryan said, swinging his feet off the bed and pulling his IV out as he stood up.

"Ryan, don't…" Caleb started.

He dropped the oxygen mask on the bed and ignored the loud beeping that started going off. "No way."

"They did everything they could, his lungs were just too damaged and…" Caleb said

"I don't believe you…" Ryan said, starting for the door. Summer grabbed him by the arm.

"Wait, Chino, just chill…" she said with tears in her throat.

"I'm sorry, Ryan…get back into bed…" Caleb said, taking him by his other arm.

"Dead? He can't be dead…he can't…"

"Come on, Ryan, before the nurses come back," Summer urged.

Ryan couldn't be here. Seth was dead. Kirsten and Sandy had lost their son. He couldn't be here. How could he see Kirsten and Sandy when Seth was dead? How could he comfort them when Seth was dead?

"Ryan…" Caleb started again, trying to calm him down.

"I have to get out of here…" he said and walked past Caleb into the hallway. "I can't be here…"

"You can't leave, Ryan, the doctors haven't cleared you, Kiki and Sandy, they'll be down in a few minutes…" Caleb called after him.

He couldn't be here. He couldn't be here. Seth was dead. Seth Cohen was dead. He had to get out of here…

"Ryan, Ryan, where are you going, what's wrong?" Lindsay invaded his senses and suddenly she was holding him still by the wrists.

"I can't be here…" he said. He tried to free his arms…

"You're in a gown, Ryan, where are you going?" Lindsay asked, not letting him go.

"I can't…I can't be here right now…"

"Ryan. Come back to bed, okay? I'll get Sandy for you…" Caleb said, behind him.

"No…I have to go…" he said. Why wasn't anyone listening to him?

"Caleb…what's going on?" Marissa asked.

"Seth…Seth didn't make it…" Caleb told her quietly.

"Oh god…Ryan…" Lindsay gasped.

Ryan pulled away and tried to leave again. Caleb, Lindsay and Marissa all stopped him, he had hands on his arms and shoulders keeping him still.

"Ryan…just stop for a minute…please…" Lindsay urged. "Please, just stop…"

And he stopped. Seth was dead. Everything would stop.

He felt the prick in his neck as the nurse injected him with something and then everything went dark again.

------ - - ----------- - -- ----------- - ----------- --------- - -- ------------ - ---------------- -- ----------------

"Kiki?" Caleb's voice broke through her sobbing.

"Dad?" She turned away from Sandy for a moment and looked up at him.

He wished that he could take away her pain. But he knew after losing his wife that there was nothing that he could do to make her better. His grandson was dead and no amount of money or favors in the world could bring him back.

He squeezed her shoulder and glanced at Sandy who was staring unblinkingly at the wall with his arms linked on Kirsten's lower back. Sandy hadn't said a word since they'd gone to see Seth's body.

"Where'd you go?"

"I went to check on Ryan…" he started. He'd never taken a liking to the boy but he had to admit that Seth had loved him like a brother. And Ryan had acted like one. Ryan had saved his family tonight and he'd always be indebted to him.

"Did you tell him?"

Caleb nodded. He'd told him…he just didn't know how much the boy had processed before they'd sedated him.

"How'd he take it?" Kirsten asked, wiping tears off her face as she disentangled herself from Sandy.

"Well…he's sleeping now…"

"Dad?"

"He's pretty upset…he tried to take off but we stopped him. Lindsay and Marissa are with him now, and Summer…" Caleb replied, sitting down beside her.

"Oh god…I forgot all about Summer…"

"Her father's coming back in a few hours…she'll be fine…how are you doing?"

"I just…I can't believe it…we just saw him last night…we were home…and now…I just can't believe he was gone…we didn't even get to say goodbye…" she said, the tears starting up again. She turned to Sandy who was still staring at the wall. "Sandy? Sandy, please look at me…"

"What do you want me to do?" Caleb asked gently.

"Can you give us a few minutes alone? Stay with Ryan? I…I don't want to lose another son and this is going to kill him…will you stay with him until we come down?"

"Sure…"

"I need to see him…but I can't see him yet," she added. "It's just too soon…"

Caleb didn't really understand what she meant, but he'd obey her wishes. He stood up and walked toward the door.

"Sandy, please, say something…please…" Kirsten's voice haunted him as he walked out.

This was going to kill her. He knew it. He'd seen her over the summer when Seth was in Portland and she had been distraught. This was going to break her.

Sandy was already broken.

There was nothing Caleb could do but what she asked. He owed her that much. He'd lost his grandson and he barely knew him. He had to be here for his daughter.

------ - - ----------- - -- ----------- - ----------- --------- - -- ------------ - ---------------- -- ----------------

"Summer?"

"Yeah?"

"You want to go for a walk or something?"

Coop was being so nice. It was one of the few times since her mother had left that Coop was actually coming through for her. She'd always been drawn to the self-absorbed and Coop was a lot like…Cohen. Cohen was dead. Cohen was dead, Chino was flipping out and Coop was the steadiest person in the room. It was the Twilight Zone.

"No…I think I want to just sit here…is that alright?" she replied.

"Yeah…but could you get off the floor? The nurses think we're all crazy and that's usually reserved just for me," Marissa said.

"Oh, god…" Summer realized that she was sitting in the corner of Ryan's room. After the nurse had knocked him out and they'd carried him back to his room, she'd lost track of things between sobbing uncontrollably and trying to catch her breath. She let Marissa help her to her feet.

Lindsay gave her a weak smile from beside the bed. She was sitting as close to Ryan as she could get without being in bed with him and she'd unstrapped him as soon as the nurses had left. None of them could take seeing him strapped down…but she didn't think any of them could take him running off again, either. Chino was supposed to be the calm and controlled one…even though he was known for punching people, he was supposed to be the stable one.

But nothing was stable now.

She'd spent all those months being mad at Cohen for what? Just to lose him like this? They'd made love just a few hours earlier and it'd been perfect…he loved her and she loved him and everything was the way it was supposed to be. Now he was dead and what was she?

"Summer, everything's going to be okay, your dad's on his way to get you and I'll go with you home so you don't have to be alone," Marissa said as they settled into a chair. Marissa was so skinny that they shared the same one and she kept her arm around her.

"I don't want to go home. I want to stay here. I should be here…" she said.

"Summer…there's nothing that you can do…" Coop replied slowly.

"Cohen wouldn't want to leave Ryan…" she whispered.

"He won't be alone," Lindsay said from across the room.

"I just feel like I need to be here…can I stay?" Summer asked.

"You can do whatever you want, Sum…I just want to make sure that you're okay…"

"It's like…Chino's his best friend…I feel close to Cohen when I'm here…" Summer whispered.

Marissa smoothed her hair and gave her a smile. "Okay, Sum. We're staying right here until you tell me differently…"

"Thanks, Coop…" Summer said, trying not to cry again. She didn't know what she was going to do now…she'd learned to live without Cohen but they'd promised each other last night that it would never happen again, that they'd never be apart again…and now, not even six hours later, she was alone. All alone again.

"It'll be okay…we'll get through this…" Marissa whispered, rocking her gently.

"Ryan?" Lindsay's voice startled them both.

"What happened?" His voice was still hoarse and his blue eyes were glazed when he looked over at Lindsay.

"You tried to make a run for it…are you going to behave?" Lindsay asked, standing up and brushing his hair out of his face.

"I…oh god…" Ryan closed his eyes and turned his head away.

"Ryan…it's going to be all right…" Lindsay said.

"How can you say that? Seth is dead…oh god…"

Summer burst into tears again despite herself. She'd never heard Chino sound like that…so upset…

Marissa pulled her close.

"Ryan…you have to relax, don't try and leave again, it's not going to help anyone if you run, where will you go?" Lindsay was pleading and when Summer glanced up she saw that Ryan was sitting on the edge of the bed, ready to bolt.

"I can't stay here…not now…" he said.

Summer pulled away from Marissa and went to his side. She didn't care that she was crying too much to talk, she just had to do something. Seth would never forgive her if she let something happen to Ryan. She ignored Lindsay and wrapped her arms around him.

"Summer…stop it…Summer…"

She held him tightly despite his struggling. As much as Seth envied his strength, she knew that he wasn't fighting with all his energy.

"Summer…stop…"

"No, Chino…he's dead and there's nothing we can do…you can't flip out…I won't let you…" Summer managed, holding him as tightly as she could.

He didn't say anything but he seemed to deflate. Summer realized that Lindsay and Marissa were behind her as she finally released him.

Lindsay reached past her and pulled him into her arms. He wasn't crying, but his eyes were closed and he was breathing rapidly. Finally, he reached around and pulled her close.

"It's a start," Marissa whispered in Summer's ear, leading her a few steps back from the bed.

"He's so upset…"

"Have you seen yourself lately?" Marissa asked with a sad grin. "I think it's going around…" She pulled Summer close and they both cried quietly while they watched Lindsay hold Ryan.


	4. Three

"Sandy? Sandy…"

"Hmm?" He blinked. Seth was dead.

"Sandy."

He looked at his wife. She was so sad and…

"Sandy?"

Worried. She was worried about him. "I'm listening…Kirsten?"

"You haven't said anything…for hours, Sandy…are you…are you back with me?"

She needed him, he realized. He glanced at the clock in the waiting room. It had been 2 hours and 24 minutes since he found out that his son was dead. "I'm sorry, Kirsten…" He embraced her.

He had to snap out of it. Kirsten needed him.

And Ryan.

"Where's Ryan?"

"He's downstairs…Dad's with him, and the girls," Kirsten said.

"I lost it for a minute…but I'm here now…how are you?"

"I'm okay…better now that you're talking to me," she smiled sadly.

"We have to see Ryan…does he know?"

"Dad told him…" Kirsten looked away and he couldn't read her for a minute.

He took her hand. "What's wrong?"

"I…I don't think I can see him…I need to, but…I…I'm not ready…" she whispered.

"Kirsten…"

"He's going to be so upset and I love him, Sandy, I do…but he's not my son…and he can't see that right now…I can't let him see that…I have to get myself together first…"

"Oh, Kirsten…" He didn't know what to say…

"I'm such a bad person…"

"No, Kirsten, you're not…" He pulled her close. He could never fault her for honesty. He loved her too much.

And he knew how she felt…but…Ryan was all he had left. He was just a kid, his only kid now…

"Go see him, make sure he's okay," Kirsten said, her eyes pleading.

"I'm not leaving you…"

"Will you…will you get my Dad? I'll come with you to the waiting room down there…and I'll join you and Ryan in a little while…" she nodded.

"Okay…you won't go anywhere without telling me, right?" He had to ask…

"No, Sandy, we have to stay close. I want to see Ryan so much but…I don't want him to see…"

"It's okay…let's go…he'll understand…"

She stood up first and when he got to his feet, he felt…like he'd stood up for the first time. And he had…the first time since he lost his son…

Seth was dead.

As they walked, the concept escaped him.

Seth.

He was born with a full head of curls.

He said his first word at 9 months. 'Egomaniac.'

The only Chrismukkah present he'd ever openly asked for was a skateboard.

He'd watched the Goonies for 26 hours straight when he was ten.

Seth was dead.

"Sandy?" Kirsten's hand was warm in his. Kirsten. She had always been his life…before Seth and…and now.

"We're here." They were outside a different waiting room.

"Kirsten?" Julie Cooper-Nichol appeared.

"Julie…" Kirsten sighed, but Sandy could tell that she was relieved.

"I'm so sorry, what can I do?" Julie looked between them, genuinely sympathetic.

"I'm going to see Ryan, can you stay with Kirsten until I send Caleb out?" Sandy asked.

"Of course, come on, Kirsten…you should sit down," Julie said immediately, putting her arm around her and leading her into the waiting room.

Sandy glanced around. He didn't know which room was Ryan. What kind of parent was he? He didn't even know where his surviving son was…

"Sanford?" Caleb appeared.

"Caleb. Kirsten needs you, Julie just took her in there, where's Ryan?" He asked.

"I'll take you. Are you all right?"

"Kirsten…" he stopped himself. "I spaced for a while, but I'm okay. How are you?"

"God, don't worry about me…take care of yourself or Kiki, god, take care of Ryan, don't worry about me…" Caleb said. They stopped outside of a room.

"How's he doing?"

"Bad. He keeps trying to leave. Lindsay and Summer have finally calmed him down," Caleb admitted. "The doctors gave him some valium but he won't go to sleep…"

"Thank you, Caleb."

"I'll take care of Kirsten. When Ryan's ready, I'll take you all home. I'll take care of everything."

"Caleb…" Sandy was stunned.

"Kirsten's my daughter. You're my son. Why do you think I give you so much hell? I'll be here for you like you've been here for me. Take care of the boy and don't worry about anything except your family right now." Caleb turned away before Sandy could respond.

He pushed open the door.

"Mr. Cohen?" Summer was beside the door.

"How are you?" He asked immediately. She looked awful…she looked young. He embraced her delicately. She had loved Seth. She probably knew Seth better than he did.

"I…I miss him. And you?"

"I'll be okay." He saw Ryan.

The boy was lying on his side with Lindsay holding both his hands. His chest was rising and falling rapidly. Marissa was rubbing his back, up and down the bare skin of his back between the folds of his robe.

"Chino's not taking it so well," Summer whispered, pulling him to the bed.

Ryan's blue eyes found him finally and he grimaced as if Sandy was hurting him simply by his presence. "No…"

"Ryan," Lindsay said immediately.

Sandy was beside him now. He reached out and cupped Ryan's face in his hands. Ryan froze, his eyes desperate. Sandy didn't know what was running through Ryan's head but the boy was distraught. "Stop," he said and Ryan didn't move.

"Sandy…" Ryan whispered.

"Stop." Sandy held his gaze. Ryan waited for him to release him. "It's not your fault. Seth…you were his brother, you _are_ his brother, my son, my…"

"No, let me go…no, shut up…" Ryan pulled away desperately.

"Ryan, stop…" Sandy caught him by his wrists, forcing him to stay on the bed. "Talk to me…"

"Not Seth…not Seth, let me go…I can't, I don't…"

"I know," Sandy said, trying to understand…he knew how much Ryan was hurting but he'd never seen him like this…

"I can't…Sandy, please…" Ryan's voice was strained, like he was in physical pain. "Let me go…"

"No." He vaguely registered the girls behind him. Lindsay's tears were hiccups but Marissa and Summer were openly sobbing.

"Ryan, there's nothing you can do. Think about Seth and what he would want…"

"He wouldn't want to be alone, I can't let…it's not true, tell me the truth…"

"I'm sorry…Seth's gone…" He felt Ryan stop struggling but he didn't let go of his wrists.

Ryan shook his head, his blue eyes glazed in disbelief. "No."

"Ryan. I'm still here. Kirsten's still here. We'll take care…"

"But Seth…Seth means everything…" Ryan whispered.

"There's nothing that I can say to make this easier, son…"

"Let me go," Ryan said. "Let go of me…"

"Not until you calm down, Ryan…you know I'd never hurt you, right? You know I'm not trying to hurt you…" Sandy said, keeping his voice as calm as he could. He didn't know what to do, he hadn't imagined that Ryan would react like this, it was like he was an injured animal and he didn't want anyone near him…

"Sandy…please…" Ryan murmured, distraught.

"Mr. Cohen…you're hurting him," Lindsay whispered, appearing on the other side of the bed.

Sandy realized that he'd tightened his grip when the boy had started to struggle again and he let go.

"Honey, just relax, you have to relax…" Lindsay gave Sandy an apologetic smile as she captured Ryan's attention by ignoring his discomfort and rubbing his arms to calm him.

"I can't…" he murmured.

"Shh…you did it before…look at me and take slow, deep breaths, okay?" Lindsay said soothingly.

Sandy turned away. He couldn't even comfort the son he had left…he was in so much pain, he was so upset and he didn't know what to do…

He was the grown up here. Ryan was only 16 and no matter how mature he acted, he was only a kid.

"Shh…see? I knew you could do it…" Lindsay's voice was soft.

"I'm sorry, Sandy…" Ryan whispered.

Sandy turned around, relieved. He studied Ryan's face.

Ryan swallowed thickly but his breathing was visible controlled. "I just…I can't wrap my head around it and I'm…I'm flipping out…"

"Ryan, we'll be right outside, okay?" Lindsay kissed his forehead and led Summer and Marissa into the hallway.

"What are we going to do, Sandy? Without Seth? I…"

Sandy sat down and took Ryan's hand. His palm was rough and warm in his. "I don't know, Ryan. It's going to be touch but we'll figure it out…what do the doctors say?"

"They gave me something to…to calm me down, I guess. I'm a little out of it but…I don't know, Sandy…everything feels so wrong…"

"You need to rest, Ryan. You have to rest. Close your eyes and…"

"I don't want to be here anymore, Sandy…"

Sandy squeezed his hand. "You have to let the doctors make sure you're okay…"

"Okay," Ryan sighed.

"Rest. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Lindsay's here. You need to rest, too," Ryan said quietly.

Sandy didn't think he could sleep right now. He didn't know if he'd ever sleep again.

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

"Lindsay, thank you for staying." Ryan's eyes were lucid for the first time in hours.

"Oh, Ryan, I am completely here for you…you look better," she said honestly, going to his side and taking his hand. Marissa had finally convinced Summer to go home with her father and Julie had taken Kirsten and Sandy to the house to get showered and changed. Caleb was settling Ryan's bills while she stayed with him.

"The drugs finally kicked in and I got some sleep. Where've you been?"

"The waiting room."

Ryan was quiet. He sighed. They'd taken him off the mask but he still had a tube of oxygen in his nose. He looked at her and she recognized the raw emotion on his face. "Can I tell you something? And…"

"I won't tell anyone, Ryan…"

Ryan shuddered and sat up. "Kirsten doesn't want to see me…"

"No, Ryan…" but Lindsay couldn't lie. Her sister was upset and she'd basically admitted that she didn't feel strong enough to see him.

"Sandy wouldn't come right out and say it…but I know…I mean…it's like she knows that it should've been me…"

"What?" Lindsay gasped.

"I mean, Seth's her son…she raised him, she made him and all those people cared about him and I don't have any of that…I mean…why Seth and not me?" Ryan murmured. "You have to admit it's not fair…"

"Ryan, don't say that…" Lindsay had to make him stop thinking like this…

"I just need…I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how to act…" Ryan said.

She didn't know what to tell him and all words left her.

"Like, if I go to Caleb's then I might upset Kirsten but where else am I supposed to go?"

"Sandy wants you there," Lindsay said.

"Can you do me a big favor?" He asked suddenly.

"What?"

"Talk to Caleb…feel him out and see if I'll upset her…I…I'm just so messed up right now that I couldn't take upsetting her…please?"

"Ryan…okay…I'll talk to him. If you really don't want to go, you can come home with me…" she offered without considering her mother. Her mother wouldn't turn Ryan away.

"Okay…I just…I want to make this as easy for them as I can…"

"What about you?" she countered softly.

"I'll be okay. I'm better than I was. Seth's dead, though, so I'm not okay yet…"

The door opened and Caleb stepped in.

"Sleep a few minutes. I'll be right back."

"Thanks," Ryan gave her a weak smile.

She turned to Caleb. Even now, talking to him made her stomach cramp with anxiety. But Ryan needed her to do this. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure." Caleb glanced at Ryan for a split second. Ryan nodded and closed his eyes.

Lindsay closed the door behind them as they stepped into the hallway.

"What's wrong?" Caleb asked immediately.

"Ryan wanted me to talk to you. About Kirsten…" she said slowly.

"Oh." Caleb looked as nervous as she felt.

"She hasn't been to see him yet and I know you heard her talking about how…she's not ready and even though Ryan hasn't seen her yet, he senses it," Lindsay explained.

"What did he say?"

Lindsay didn't want to go into details. "He wants to know what to do. He doesn't want to go to your house if you think it'll upset her…and I don't know what to tell him." Lindsay was torn. She loved Kirsten and Ryan. But she was bound to Ryan in a different way.

"God…you and I both know that Kirsten loves him…but she's really upset right now."

"I can take him to my house. Until she's better. What about that?"

"Sandy wants him close…" Caleb replied, but she could tell he was considering it. "My house is really big…"

"What should I tell him?" Lindsay asked.

"I'll call Sandy. See how Kirsten is…"

"She left without even talking to him…" Lindsay said.

Caleb sighed. "Okay. I'll call your mother. He'll have everything he needs. I'll drive you both there."

"Thank you."

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

"Ryan? We're here."

He squeezed Lindsay's hand before she stepped out of Caleb's car.

"You okay, Ryan?"

He nodded to Caleb. The man was being unbelievably nice and it was only adding to Ryan's spiraling thoughts.

He was tired and Seth was dead. Kirsten couldn't stand the sight of him and Caleb was civil.

Seth was dead.

"Ryan? Come on in, Ryan." Renee opened the door and smiled at him.

He stepped out and she put her arm around his waist.

"We'll get you a shower and some food, okay? You can rest and worry about everything tomorrow after you get some rest," Renee smiled as she led him to the porch.

"Renee. I'll call you as soon as I talk to Sandy…" Caleb called from the car.

"We'll take care of him," Lindsay said.

Ryan was grateful when he stepped inside. "Thank you for…"

"Nonsense. You're welcome here, Ryan. Anything we can do," Renee said.

"I'll show you the guestroom, Ryan."

He hadn't even realized when Lindsay had taken his hand again. She led him to their small guest room.

"Lindsay…"

"I'm here if you need to talk, I'll listen but…if you need me to be quiet with you, I can do that, too…"

He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her. He needed her. She was coming through for him in ways that he'd never wanted her to have to. "You are so great…but I'm going to shower and then crash. You should sleep, too."

"I'll be here when you're done with your shower. You're stuck with me until at least after you eat."

"Okay."

"There's towels there and Caleb had some clothes sent and they're there, too. Don't take too long, okay?" she said.

"Why, I'll use all the hot water?" he attempted to joke but he couldn't smile.

"No. I just don't want you to be alone. You scared me trying to run off before…"

He sighed. "I'm sorry…but Seth…he's the best friend I ever had and…I'm not sure I can do this…" Ryan said.

"You can." She kissed his cheek and released him. "I'll be here for you."

"Thanks."

She smiled at him. "I know you're hurting and upset. But I am really, really glad you're okay. And I know that you did everything you could. Now. Get cleaned up…"

He turned around and saw Renee enter. "Ryan. Here," she said, holding out a bottle of water.

He accepted the small blue pill.

"Doctor's orders," Lindsay whispered.

He swallowed it obediently. If he slept, he needed the drugs. Because every time he closed his eyes he saw Seth.

"Thanks. I won't be long."

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Kirsten registered Sandy's raised voice but couldn't hear his words.

Her dad's bed was soft and the tea Julie had made her was still steaming from the nightstand.

She could hear Seth's voice in her head, snarking about having to stay with his granddad and Julie.

But he'd never say anything again.

No more Chrismukkah. No more Seth Cohen video-game training sessions.

No more Seth.

She'd finally connected with him after Ryan had come. He'd shut down around age 11 and barely spoken to her or Sandy.

But he'd come back to her. She knew his life. His inexplicable attraction to comic books. His love for Summer Roberts. His adoration and respect for his father.

She also knew that he'd hate her for not checking on Ryan.

She remembered the pure elation on his face when they'd broached the subject of becoming Ryan's legal guardians.

_"I always wanted a brother. Thank you so much…" He'd said, hugging her._

She loved him so much.

She hoped he knew.

"He should be here, Cal!" Sandy's words were loud and she winced despite herself.

The door opened and she recognized Sandy's sigh.

"Your mother's on the way, a car's meeting her at the airport. Hailey's flying in and Jimmy's almost here. Get some rest, Sanford."

"Thanks, Caleb."

"I'm taking care of the boy. You take care of her," her father said.

Sandy closed the door.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing. I'm just tired. Let's sleep."

Kirsten accepted his arms around her.

"I love you."

"I love you, too," she whispered. She held onto him. They held onto each other.

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Marissa rolled over and realized that Summer was gone.

They'd always shared a bed for sleepovers and even though Summer hogged the covers and there were rumors that she snored like a monster, it was a tradition.

"Sum?"

Summer was still in her pajamas but she was on her knees under her desk, pulling at the cords on her computer.

"Summer? What's wrong?"

"Stupid Cohen…" Summer muttered, crying. "He's so fucking stupid…"

"Summer…" she started, going to her side.

"Ever since I hung up on him in July when he was in Portland, I've been getting these email cards…apologizing and saying all these mushy things…he must have programmed it to email me every day because…" she hiccupped quietly before continuing, "because I just got another one and…he's so stupid…"

Marissa hugged her. "What can I do?"

"I'm a mess…I don't know…"

"I know you loved him…"

"We wasted so much time…we made love tonight and…"

"Summer…"

"No, I have to talk about it…"

"Okay," Marissa said immediately. "I'm listening…" Summer was her best friend and had always been there for her. She had to do whatever she could. Summer had always been her safety net.

"I love him…and we reconnected…it was so sweet and tender…he was so sweet and it was perfect, Coop…the candles and the music…"

"What music?" Marissa asked, sensing Summer's need to describe it to her.

"It was a cover, Jamie Cullum, I think…it was perfect and…" Summer took a deep breath, steadying herself. "It's like…I lived sixteen years without knowing he was even alive and I only lived, like, a year knowing him…and now he's gone and it's like I'm gone, too…"

"No, you're not…he wouldn't want that…"

"You're right. He wouldn't. At least we had this last night together…" Summer nodded, wiping her eyes.

"You'll always have that," Marissa said.

Summer sniffled. "Yes…"

"Come back to bed. You'll feel better after you get some sleep," Marissa led her back to the bed.

"I'm going to call my mom and see how things are, okay?"

"Okay…stay here, though, okay?" Summer murmured, burrowing under the covers.

"I will," Marissa promised, climbing in beside her. She picked up her cell phone and dialed her mom.

"Hello?"

"Mom, it's me."

"How's Summer?"

"She's okay. How're the Cohens?" Marissa responded in kind.

"Sandy and Kirsten are in bed. Ryan's at Lindsay's. I'm not sure why, but Cal seems to be okay with it. How are you?"

Marissa was surprised at her mother's concern. "Good."

"Thanks for calling. Let us know if…if Ryan or Summer need anything. I assume you'll check on him?"

"Sure. I will…"

"She's a good girl. I've always liked her. Take care of her."

Marissa was almost speechless. "Thanks. I will…"

"Summer's father and Jimmy are going over to the accident scene later today. Not everything was burned and they're going to…to salvage things."

"Oh…"

"Call me?" Julie hesitated.

"I will. Bye…"

"I love you, Marissa…" Julie said before there was the dial tone.

"Coop?" Summer called.

"Yeah?" Marissa was still staring at her phone.

"Will you get me some water?" Summer asked quietly.

"Sure." She had to be here for Summer. She didn't have time to think about her mother's words. Losing Seth must have made even the coldest hearts thaw a little.


	5. Four

_AN: Thanks for reading!_

* * *

_"Tidal waves they rip right through me  
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad  
Pick me up now, I need you so bad..."  
--Blink 182 _

"Coffee," Jimmy Cooper's voice broke through his doze. Sandy sat up and accepted the mug. Kirsten was already dressed but was sitting in bed beside him.

"Thank you," he said.

"No problem," Jimmy smiled.

"I've only been up a few minutes. You were talking in your sleep," Kirsten said.

Seth was dead. "What did I say?"

"Something about protocol in negotiating rights to unclaimed property," she smiled.

"Sorry." His subconscious really needed an enema.

"Your mom's on the way," Jimmy said.

His mom. God, he wanted to see her. He needed his mother right now.

"Sandy?" Caleb stepped in. He was flushed. "Can I see you a moment?"

He didn't recognize her immediately.

"Mr. Cohen?"

Dawn Atwood looked traumatized. Her blue eyes were desperate and serious as she stepped forward.

"Dawn?" Kirsten gasped.

"I just wanted to offer my condolences…is my boy here?"

"He's fine, he saved us," Kirsten replied. He recognized the anger on her face. He wasn't sure what was going on with his wife. She couldn't see Ryan by her own admission but she seemed incensed at Dawn Atwood's presence.

"Ry does that sometimes…is he here?"

"She doesn't believe me," Caleb said quietly, looking at Sandy guiltily.

"He's not here," Sandy admitted.

"What?" Kirsten asked, turning to him.

"Sandy, I can take her," Jimmy said.

Sandy nodded. Jimmy closed the door and left him with Kirsten.

"Sandy, what…" Kirsten was visibly upset and confused.

"Ryan's at Lindsay's."

"What?"

"Caleb…"

"Sandy, tell me the truth," she insisted.

He sighed. He didn't have the energy to lie to her. "He didn't want to upset you. Caleb agreed and Renee offered. I didn't know. It wasn't my decision."

"He hates me…" Kirsten whispered.

"No…he's…he's trying to do what he thinks is…"

"It's my fault…and no his mother's back and he'll go with her and we'll lose him and Seth will hate me, too…" Kirsten said.

"Kirsten, stop. Ryan doesn't hate you and we aren't going to lose him," Sandy said.

"Get dressed."

"Kirsten…" he started, unable to read her.

She was steady. "We have to go see him. We have to keep the family that we have left."

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Renee opened the door. She didn't recognize either of the couple. The man was tan and unshaven and the woman was wearing non-fitting faded jeans and a stained t-shirt.

"I'm Jimmy Cooper, Marissa's dad. We're here to see Ryan," the man introduced himself.

Caleb appeared between them. "Sandy said it was okay."

"I need a court order or something to see my own kid?" The woman asked quietly.

"You are?" Renee asked, blocking the door. She wasn't sure what was going on.

"Dawn. Dawn Atwood."

"Ryan's mother," Jimmy said quietly.

"Ryan's resting. Come in," Renee stepped aside.

Jimmy stayed beside Dawn as they walked in. Caleb paused beside her.

"Ryan's mother…is she okay to be here?" she asked Caleb, unsure of the relationship between her daughter's boyfriend and the woman that just arrived.

"Unfortunately, I never bothered to find out. I never asked about the boy or his family."

Renee realized that Caleb seemed genuinely apologetic. "Come in."

"Mom?" Lindsay's voice was urgent.

Dawn had her arms around Ryan when they walked in. Lindsay was worried beside him on the bed. It was clear that they'd both just woken up.

"Oh, baby, I'm so glad you're okay, I was so scared when I heard…" Dawn was saying.

"I'm okay, Mom…" Ryan murmured.

She didn't know Ryan very well but she knew that her daughter loved him. She could recognize the raw emotion on his face. Ryan was surprised but he clearly loved his mother.

"You could've died…I'm so sorry, baby…I'm so sorry…" Dawn started to cry and Ryan's face flashed with anguish.

"No, don't cry, Ma, please…"

Renee was pissed. The kid had been through enough and didn't need to have to comfort his mother, too.

"Lindsay?" Ryan pushed the woman away and turned toward her daughter. "I can't be here…"

"Okay," Lindsay said immediately, taking his hands.

"Ry…"

"No, I'm fine, Ma, I just can't…"

"I'm sorry…I'll stop crying, don't go…" Dawn said immediately.

"Ryan?" Caleb's voice was urgent.

Dawn stared pleadingly at her son and Ryan glanced between her and Lindsay, upset.

"Mrs. Atwood? Come into the kitchen. There's coffee and Ryan's not even awake yet," Renee said, taking charge.

"Ry…" Dawn started.

"I'll be out in a little while, Ma," Ryan replied, turning into Lindsay's embrace.

Dawn nodded and stood up. Renee took her arm and led the woman into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry," Dawn said, once they were alone.

"It's okay," she answered automatically.

"That's your daughter?" Dawn asked.

"Lindsay. She's been seeing Ryan."

Dawn nodded. "She's a lucky girl. He's a good boy…I never told him that enough."

"When's the last time you saw him?"

The woman's eyes flashed but Renee didn't care. She'd never lose track of Lindsay. She'd never leave her daughter with strangers. Her daughter was everything.

"I won't lie. I couldn't handle him. I'm not a real 'maternal' person. Ry…he's smarter than anyone I've even known and I couldn't deal with him…The lawyer, Mr. Cohen, he knows how special Ryan is…"

"You left him?" Renee asked.

"I gave him a life. You don't know me…"

"Mom. Stop it," Ryan said, stepping in. "Let's talk. Outside." Lindsay was beside him.

Dawn nodded and stood up.

"I'll bring your coffee out," Renee said. Lindsay gave her an appreciative look.

Ryan accepted Dawn's arm around him as they walked out.

"Mom…" Lindsay started.

"Give them a minute, honey. Go change. I'll take care of him."

Lindsay hesitated.

"Go."

Lindsay nodded finally, trusting her. She disappeared upstairs.

She poured 3 cups of coffee and walked past Caleb and Jimmy, both men on their phones.

Dawn and Ryan were sitting on the steps. They didn't register her presence.

"I'll take you home," Dawn was saying.

"Ma, I'm fine, Sandy and…" Ryan started.

"You're not even with them…"

"You don't understand," Ryan whispered.

"Coffee," Renee said, interrupting them.

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Kirsten had to see Ryan. She had to see him. He had to know that she wouldn't let him go. She loved him, Sandy loved him, Seth loved him and there was no way she'd let him go.

He'd done everything in his power to save them. He'd gone back into the fire for Seth. It wasn't his fault that he'd been too late. So no matter how upset she was right now, she had to talk to him.

Sandy stopped the car behind Caleb's.

She could see Dawn sitting with Ryan on the porch, Renee standing behind them.

She stepped out without listening to Sandy. "Ryan."

He jolted, startled. His eyes were wide with surprise.

"Ryan," she repeated, desperate.

Dawn's eyes were on him as he stood up and took a couple of steps toward her.

She pulled him close. "You know I love you, I'm sorry…" she started. She had so much to say to him…

"I know, it's okay, it's fine…" Ryan said.

She didn't care that he was devastated. She didn't care that he was just a boy. She needed him. Sandy and Ryan were hers. She wouldn't share. She squeezed him, his chin on her shoulder. "I love you, I don't want to lose you, too…"

"I'm here…" he whispered, but she couldn't read his voice.

"I want to take him home," Dawn said suddenly from the porch.

"No," Kirsten replied immediately, tightening her embrace. She wouldn't let him go.

"Dawn…" Sandy gasped from behind her.

"He's my son. You almost killed him…" Dawn snapped. Ryan shuddered in her arms and tried to pull away but she wouldn't let him.

"He's mine," Dawn added.

"Excuse me? Didn't you leave him here?" Renee's voice startled them all. "Ryan's 17. He's old enough to make his own decisions."

"Kirsten…" Ryan's whisper was almost inaudible but she heard him.

"I'm here…"

"Can you ever forgive me?" he whispered.

She didn't know what he was talking about, was he talking about Seth or did he want to leave with Dawn?

"Ry. Let me take you home." Dawn's voice was serious.

Ryan's eyes flashed with turmoil. He loved her, she knew, but Dawn was his mother.

"Ry?"

He broke away from her grasp and turned toward his mother. Going to Dawn. His mother.

Kirsten wasn't his mother. She loved him but she wasn't his mother. She was Seth's mother. But Seth was dead…

She couldn't fathom losing Seth, it was tearing her apart so she couldn't fathom how Dawn could have walked away from Ryan. Dawn didn't deserved him.

"Ma. I need you to go…" Ryan said quietly. "You're upsetting them and…"

"I'm here for _you…"_ Dawn said.

Kirsten felt like she was going to collapse. Sandy's arm wrapped around her waist and she leaned against him.

"This isn't about me," Ryan replied sadly.

"Bitch!"

Summer Roberts ran across the lawn and grabbed Dawn by the arm. "Get your paws off him!"

"Summer…" Marissa called, but it was too late.

"He doesn't need you here, you'll only hurt him, Cohen wouldn't want you here!" Summer said, almost shrieking. And Kirsten thought she'd been overreacting… Summer started to pelt her with her tiny fists.

"Summer, stop, she's my mother, get off!" Ryan said, shielding Dawn with his body.

Marissa finally managed to pull Summer away.

Everything was out of control.

"Come on, Ma…" Ryan walked with his mother to the curb away from everyone.

"Let's give them some time. Come inside," Renee said calmly. Sandy led her to the house.

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Lindsay came out of her room and was startled by all the people in her downstairs living room.

Kirsten and Sandy were talking quietly with Caleb while Jimmy was sitting with Marissa and Summer. Her mother approached her.

"What happened? Where's Ryan?"

"Outside. With his mother…"

She didn't wait to hear any more, she had to be with him. He was being torn to pieces in front of her eyes and she couldn't let it happen. She stopped cold on the porch. She saw a taxi pulling away and Ryan was sitting on the steps with his head between his knees.

"Ryan."

"I can't do this, Lindsay," he said quietly when she sat down beside him. She put an arm around him and he sat up slowly.

"How can I help you?"

"I don't know…" he sighed. "I don't think that I'll ever be okay again…"

"Come back inside. I won't make you see anyone, you can lie down and I'll sit with you. As long as you need."

He nodded. "Thanks. This is all just…too much…with Kirsten and my mom and then Summer just flipping…"

Lindsay didn't know what Summer had done but it didn't matter. She helped Ryan to his feet and they turned to find Caleb behind them.

"Ryan. Take this." He held out another blue pill.

Ryan shook his head. She knew that he wasn't comfortable taking orders from the man, her father, but he'd obeyed so far, accepting that Caleb was speaking for Sandy and Kirsten. Lindsay had allowed her mother to medicate him but that was when they wanted him to sleep. It was daytime now.

"It'll help. You need to rest," Caleb said sternly.

"Because of Dawn?" Ryan asked. Lindsay stared at Caleb, too, unsure of his motivation.

"No. Because of Kirsten," Caleb replied.

Ryan took the pill and swallowed it. "Every time she looks at me it's a reminder that Seth's dead."

"Ryan, that's not what…" Caleb gasped, startled.

"Sorry. You got what you wanted. I'm going to lie down." Ryan walked away quickly and she followed him to the guest room.

"I'm sorry, Lindsay. Thank you for everything…" Ryan sighed, sitting down.

He was still scaring her. In the hospital, it was like he wasn't even there, he was desperate to escape. But now…he was just shattered. She realized that she hadn't even scratched the surface of him. She had no idea who Ryan Atwood really was and she doubted if he even knew under all the masks he wore. Seeing him with his mother had been like watching a stranger.

"Lie down, baby, I'll stay with you. You don't have to talk…" she urged.

"Thanks." He stretched out and she was relieved when he closed his eyes.

"Lindsay?" Her mother's voice was a whisper from the doorway.

"He's resting," Lindsay replied, rubbing his back.

"His family wants to see him."

"Give us a little while, please?" Lindsay looked at her mother desperately. They'd been best friends forever and she knew her mom would do the right thing.

"Take your time," she replied finally.

"Thanks," she told her mom.

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

"Cohen wouldn't want her to be here," Summer said suddenly, breaking the silence.

"Summer…" Coop started.

"No." Cohen hadn't said much…actually, he had. She'd accused him of being in love with Chino as much as he'd talked about him. Cohen had said that Ryan's mom was an alcoholic junkie that hand allowed her boyfriends to hurt him. She'd never known where Cohen got his information from but she knew he believed it. It was her job now to protect Chino.

And Chino didn't need his mother.

Seth had wanted Kirsten to be Ryan's mother. He'd loved his mom and wanted Ryan to be her son, too.

"Ryan's in bed. He needs a few minutes but he's not going anywhere," Renee announced, returning.

"Can we see him?" Summer asked immediately.

"I'm sorry, but Lindsay asked for some time alone. He's a little overwhelmed," Renee replied.

"We'd like to take him back with us," Kirsten said. "To Dad's."

Summer wondered how awful she must look because Kirsten had to look worse.

Cohen was dead and there was nothing anyone could do except flip out.

"Summer, let's take you back to Marissa's. That way, you can see Ryan when he gets there," Jimmy said.

"That's a good idea," Sandy told Kirsten. "We'll all go back to Caleb's and once Ryan's ready, we'll be ready too. We have to stick together…"

"Which is why we should stay," Kirsten replied quickly.

"Kirsten. There are things we have to start taking care of," Sandy said calmly.

Summer felt Coop's arm tighten around her. She was going to have to watch them put him in the ground. Cohen.

"There are people we have to call. Hailey's coming and she's going to want to see you," Sandy continued.

Kirsten sighed. "Okay." She stood up with her arm around Sandy's waist.

"Summer? Come with us. I'll heat you up a bagel," Sandy said, turning toward her.

"You should be with us," Kirsten added.

Summer nodded. She loved Seth's parents. They'd always shown their love for each other and for Seth. She loved her daddy but he'd never understood how much she loved Cohen and she didn't know if she'd ever be able to forgive him for that. But the Cohens knew.

"Come on, Sum," Marissa said, pulling her to her feet. "Sandy makes great bagels."

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Jimmy was loading boxes with the same men he'd stolen money from. Newport Beach was coming together. Almost 50 people had turned out to help them salvage things from the charred remains of Sandy and Kirsten's home.

Everything reeked of smoke, the scent so stifling that Jimmy couldn't imagine what it must've been like in the fire.

The entire first floor's contents were basically ashes but they'd found a lot of intact items from the second floor in the rubble.

Jimmy and Caleb were the men in charge because they knew the house best. Caleb was still wading through the debris but Jimmy had felt compelled to escort the boxes of comics that Seth Cohen had stored in fire-proof boxes to the truck. He'd also found a fire-proof lock box that he'd locked in his trunk.

The kid had been an eccentric one so it didn't surprise him that he'd locked up his valuables. But what Seth Cohen would have considered 'valuable' would probably surprise them all. Caleb had found the key and had it laced around his neck beside the cross Julie had given him this morning.

Julie had given him a cross, too, the moment he'd arrived. She was taking Seth's death hard under her impeccable mask. They'd almost lost Marissa, once by her own hand and twice with Oliver. They were damned lucky.

Sandy and Kirsten…they didn't deserve to lose their son. Not like this.

"Jimmy."

He turned and saw Caleb hurrying up to him, covered in soot.

"Take this, now. Give it to Sandy…"

"What is it?" Jimmy wiped off the figurine with his sleeve.

"It's the Captain," Caleb said, as if Jimmy should know.

"The Captain." It was a plastic horse.

"The Captain," Caleb nodded. "Sandy will understand. Take it to him. I'll stay and oversee things."

"You sure you shouldn't be getting back, too?" Jimmy asked.

"I loved Seth but his grandmother's in town. He'll understand if I'd rather be here," Caleb replied with a shiver.

"Oh. The Nana," Jimmy nodded.

"Go with God, Jimmy," Caleb said.


	6. Five

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Julie Cooper had always considered herself a bitch. But Sandy Cohen's mother was putting her to shame.

Julie couldn't fault her, though. Seth Cohen was dead and she knew that she shouldn't be in charge, he'd have hated that.

He'd always seen right through her, too damned smart for his own good.

But she owed her daughter's life to him. Sandy and Kirsten were the only genuinely good people she'd ever known.

"Miss Cooper, uh, Nichols…what the hell am I supposed to call you?" Nana Cohen asked.

"Julie," she answered.

"Julie. Okay. Call me the Nana. I've got the kitchen under control and your charming 'daughter in law', Hailey, is answering the phone and returning calls and what I need you to do is…"

The doorbell rang and Julie smiled as calmly as she could. "I'll answer the door, Nana."

Julie hurried out of the kitchen and opened the door.

Renee Wheeler was standing behind Ryan and Lindsay.

"Come in, Ryan, you must be freezing…" Julie noticed. He was in thin sweatpants and a t-shirt, his stitches visible up and down his arms.

"Lindsay," Renee started, not moving.

"Renee. Come inside. There's a universal truce and you are welcome in my home," Julie said evenly. A boy was dead, everything else took a backseat to that fact.

Ryan and Lindsay stared at her in surprise.

"There's food in the kitchen and your parents are upstairs," Julie told Ryan, putting her arm around him and urging him inside.

"Um…" Ryan stammered.

Julie took him to the room she'd had set up for him. She'd grilled Marissa for information and had clothes ordered and delivered in the boy's size.

"Ryan. I'll get you something to eat and I'll be right back," Lindsay said.

"Okay. Thanks," Ryan replied, watching Lindsay and Renee leave him.

"Sit down, Ryan," she said.

"Universal truce, huh?" he asked, sitting down on the bed.

"Yes. I don't hate you, Ryan. You don't deserve this."

Ryan was watching her carefully, his hands clenched beside him.

"I know what it's like to lose your best friend…and there's nothing you can do and nothing makes sense because they were everything to you and now they're nothing…"

Ryan shuddered and she sensed that she'd said too much.

"But we have choices," she continued, sitting down beside him. "I was 14 and I couldn't understand…I made a choice to never care about anyone like that again."

Ryan opened his mouth to speak but he didn't say anything.

"Don't be like me. It's not a happy life, Ryan. You're too good for my life. Let yourself live. Don't be guilty for surviving," she whispered, reaching into her pocket and pulling out his cross.

She wasn't religious but the cross brought everyone comfort. Faith was a powerful thing, no matter the talisman.

"Thank you," he whispered as she clasped it around his neck.

"Now. Bonding's over. Time to put your face on. You have to meet and greet and I know you're well trained," she said, standing up.

"Game face. Okay."

"Clothes," she said.

"I don't have…" he started.

"Yes, you do. May I?"

Ryan nodded as she handed him a set of clothes. He obediently went into the bathroom.

"Where is he?" Lindsay returned with a plate of food and the Nana.

"Changing," she replied.

"Is everything all right?" Lindsay asked suspiciously.

"She doesn't seem to trust you with Ryan," Nana Cohen smirked.

"Well then, I'll leave you guys to him. Lindsay, if either of you need anything, just call."

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Sandy felt like he was waking from a dream. A bad dream. Worse than a nightmare.

But he was waking.

He knew Seth was gone. He hadn't accepted it yet but the rational part of his brain was working again.

He knew that his wife was not okay.

Kirsten had been like a woman possess on the way to Renee's and after he'd brought her back here, she'd been painfully quiet. She was sitting on the bed now, picking at a piece of chicken his mom had brought in.

"Kirsten?"

"Do you think he's here yet?" She asked.

"Who?"

"Ryan. Do you think he's here?"

Sandy sat down beside her.

"What?" she asked.

"He sent his mother away. He's safe…" he said. He knew now that Ryan was right. Kirsten wasn't ready to see him. She'd basically forced Ryan to choose between her and his mother and the kid didn't need that stress right now. Ryan had survived and he needed all the love he could get, he shouldn't have to feel guilty for seeing his mother.

Sandy didn't know what to do or how to fix any of this.

"You don't want me to see him?" Kirsten asked, looking at him.

"I want you to tell me what happened earlier. You wouldn't let him go, Kirsten…he had to fight away from you…"

"I…" she started, chastened. "I don't know, Sandy…Seth's gone and what are we supposed to do now? What do we have left? Ryan was Seth's best friend, he's ours, he's what we have left of Seth…and he can't replace him but he's ours…he's not Dawn's, he's mine…"

Sandy took her hands. "He's not property. He's a kid. She was Ryan's mother for sixteen years…"

"I know…" she whispered. "I'm sorry…I don't know what I'm thinking…I just need him more right now than she does…Summer was right, Seth would want him here with us…"

There was a quiet knock on the door.

Sandy left Kirsten's side and answered it, opening it slightly and stepping out. He wanted to protect Kirsten as long as possible.

"Sandy. Ryan wants to know if you want to see him now. He wouldn't come up until I asked you first," his mother said. She embraced him and he sighed. She'd been so understanding today, she hadn't lectured him or lashed out at him for losing Seth and he was grateful.

"How's he doing?"

"He's a tough kid. He's not saying much, but I know that he's hurting. Are you ready to talk to him?"

"I'm ready. But I'm not so sure about Kirsten…"

"It's going to be hard. But don't lie to him…he knows that he's not Seth. I don't think he's expecting you guys to be normal…nothing going to be normal anymore, for any of you. But he's a kid and you both owe it to him to see him," she said, releasing him. "I don't think he trusts anybody in this house as much as you and Kirsten."

"We'll come down. Which room is he in?"

"First floor. I'll walk you," she said.

Sandy left the door open as he returned to the room. "Kirsten?"

"Hmm?" She glanced at him, expectantly.

"Ryan's downstairs. Let's go visit with him for a while…" Sandy said.

"Visit? Since when do we have to _visit_ him?" she responded, paling a shade.

"Honey, that's not what he meant," his mother said, going to her side and helping her to her feet. "Ryan's here, he's settled and he might not be up for a lot of talking right now, he looks like exhausted and he needs his rest…"

"But he's…he's okay, isn't he?" Kirsten asked her.

"He's as okay as any of you right now. Come on, honey, you'll see," she smiled, glancing at Sandy calmly as she led Kirsten out of the room first.

Sandy followed them slowly. He didn't know what he was going to say to Ryan if the boy was lucid now. In the hospital, he'd been so emotionally unstable that Sandy had said anything and everything to calm him down and he'd been relieved when he finally lapsed into sleep. Now, he'd have to talk to him knowing that Ryan was fully conscious and aware of all the emotions surrounding him.

It was too much for him so he knew that it was probably going to be too much for Ryan, too.

But they had to start dealing with this. He knew that if Ryan got his way, he'd slink off into the background by himself, but Sandy couldn't let that happen. They'd made Ryan a part of their family and they couldn't take back the invitation just because Seth was gone…everything was going to change.

He just had to make sure that Ryan remained a part of his family. Without Seth. He had to make sure their family remained without Seth.

"He's in there," his mother said, stopping several feet from one of the bedrooms on the first floor. "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me." She gave Sandy a kind smile before hurrying away.

"I'll be good, Sandy, I won't stress him out and I'll apologize for this morning," Kirsten said, turning to face him.

"Kirsten. You're not a child…I know this is hard, but we're going to make it through this. Ryan's in there, he's the same kid he was two days ago…don't try and put on an act for him because you know he'll see right through it. You okay with this?" Sandy asked, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"Yes," she nodded, visibly steeling herself.

Sandy knocked gently on the door. There was no response so he pushed it open far enough to see inside.

Ryan was sitting on the edge of the bed with a hand to his face. Caleb was standing beside him with a bottle of water.

"That's a good boy. Chin up," Caleb was saying. Ryan glared at him but took a swallow of the water.

"What's going on?" Sandy asked, stepping in suspiciously.

"Nothing. I was just making sure Ryan was taking his prescriptions…" Caleb said, turning to face them. He was covered in black dust. Soot. From the fire.

"God, Dad, you're filthy, where have you been?" Kirsten asked. "And what kind of prescriptions is he taking, Ryan, what did the doctors tell you?"

Ryan's gaze was startled as it flickered between Caleb and Kirsten.

"The boy is fine, Kiki, they've just prescribed some things to help him relax, I'll go get cleaned up," Caleb said, leaving hurriedly.

"Hey," Ryan said as he approached.

"How're you feeling, kid? We didn't get a chance to talk this morning," Sandy said, taking charge and sitting down beside him on the bed.

"Okay," he answered quietly. He gave Kirsten a weak smile as she sat down on his empty side. "How are you guys?"

"Much better now," Kirsten whispered, leaning over and planting a kiss on his forehead. "I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have acted so…insane. Anytime you want to see your mother…"

"I know…everything's a little crazy right now. It's okay," Ryan whispered.

"Have you been able to rest at all?" Sandy asked.

"Yeah, yeah. Mr. Nichols has been giving me something every few hours. They make me sleep," Ryan replied.

"What are you taking? Are you all right? I haven't even talked to your doctor…" Kirsten said.

"I'm fine, really, Kirsten, it's nothing…I freaked out a little at the hospital so they're giving me something to keep me calm, that's all," Ryan explained.

"I think I need some of that," Kirsten admitted.

Sandy watched them silently. Ryan was distant, but he was 'perfect' compared to his attitude in the hospital. And Kirsten seemed to be in control of her emotions for the moment, she was focused on Ryan and listening.

"Are you scared of me?" Kirsten asked suddenly.

"What?" Ryan asked, confused.

"You act like…"

"I'm not scared of you, Kirsten. I'm worried…I can't do anything to make you better and…I don't want to hurt you…" Ryan answered, hesitant.

Kirsten shuddered and looked at Sandy for a split second before pulling Ryan into her arms. "Oh, honey, you aren't hurting me…I'm so sorry I didn't come see you…"

"I'm fine…"

Sandy put an arm around them both. "I don't think any of us are fine."

Kirsten was crying now, but she laughed, releasing Ryan but taking his hand.

"We'll be okay, Ryan. We have to talk to each other, though…this is going to be hard for all of us and it's going to be different pain for each of us…and we might be angry or frustrated or depressed as hell…but maybe if we talk a little more to each other then we can make it through…" Kirsten said slowly.

Ryan nodded but Sandy couldn't read him. He didn't know if it was because he was so devastated himself or if it was the fact that Ryan didn't want to be read.

"Let's get some air. Mind taking a walk around the plantation?" Sandy asked.

"Good idea," Kirsten smiled.

"Okay." Ryan glanced around the room. "Julie bought these clothes…" he muttered, standing up and finding a pair of sneakers in the closet.

"She's been oddly great through all this," Kirsten smiled, taking Sandy's hand with a relieved glance. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. She looked better already. Steadier.

------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Ryan sat down by the pool as Kirsten and Sandy continued past him, hand in hand.

He was tired. No physically, physically he was fucking wired.

He was tired of Seth being dead.

It was so stupid, but his mind wasn't being rational.

Newport…meant Seth. It'd always meant Seth, since the very first day.

Without Seth…there was nothing for him here.

That wasn't true either. Lindsay and the Cohens…but without Seth, he didn't know where he belonged.

He knew that when Teresa lost the baby that without Seth he wouldn't have gone to Sandy.

His brain was tired and the valium they kept feeding him was only dulling his senses.

At least Kirsten seemed better. Stable. Sandy was being a rock, like always. Nothing could shake them.

But Ryan couldn't seem to get himself steady. Everything was still so wrong.

He closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair.

Fresh air. He could hear the ocean.

Seth loved the ocean.

In short spurts, he'd said. Seth's time alone on the ocean had been related to him as 'mind-numbing boredom'. Seth said he'd written letters to Captain Oats and sealed them in bottles, delivering them daily to the waves.

Ryan shuddered involuntarily.

He couldn't stop the thoughts of Seth. Newport was Seth.

"Ryan?"

He sat up and nodded at Sandy's mother.

"Here…coffee." He took the offered mug. "Your girlfriend is upstairs with the girls but she wanted me to tell you that she'll be waiting for you inside. Nice girl."

Ryan nodded. Lindsay was great. She'd really proved that she cared about him. He loved her.

"You've got a little color back," Nana Cohen smiled, patting his arm as she settled into the chair beside his.

He took a sip of the coffee.

"Do you ever talk?"

"Special occasions," he replied.

"Ah. Sethela was good at filling the silences."

With Seth there was no such thing as silence. Ryan nodded. He wondered if he should just put a bobble-head doll in the seat so he wouldn't have to be here. Nothing against the Nana, but he didn't want to talk about Seth.

"Seth…he loved you very much," she said.

Ryan didn't want to talk about Seth…but he owed it to this woman. The Nana. Seth's Nana. "Seth…he was special…"

The Nana was watching him, anticipating him to continue.

"I have a brother. But I never felt the way about him that I feel about Seth. Seth…he was the only person that's ever cared about me unconditionally."

The Nana nodded. "I'd like you to tell me about him…when you're up to it…"

Ryan studied the woman. "He loved you. He really admired you."

"Really?" she scoffed.

"Yeah. Sandy talks about you…he loves you, too and Seth…" Ryan stopped himself. He couldn't talk about Seth anymore. Too much. He couldn't be here, not even for the Nana, he couldn't be here while Seth was dead.

"Ryan. Relax…I'm sorry, you don't have to talk," Nana Cohen said, sensing his emotion.

He forced himself to stay still. No freaking out…

"Kid, don't run off. It would kill Sandy…I know you want to deal with this yourself but…I'm asking you to stay," she said suddenly.

"I'm trying…I love them," he admitted, the valium loosening his words. "But…I can't lie and say I'm not feeling a little suffocated here…I need Seth…"

"Shh," she interrupted, patting his hand "It will get easier. Stay…"

He nodded, taking a breath.

"Again?"

He let himself breathe.

"Better."

"Sorry…" He was making an ass of himself. Ryan Atwood was like this. He was legitimately losing his shit.

"I feel like running, too, kid. Kirsten's mother in law is enough to make anyone want to run and hide. But this is where we have to be right now," Nana said with a sad smile.

"Everything all right?" Sandy was standing over them with Kirsten stoically at his side.

"Fine. We were talking," Ryan answered shakily, trying to hide his discomfort.

"You? Talking?" Kirsten smirked.

"He's definitely a tough nut to crack," the Nana replied with a wink.

"Ma, don't say 'nut'," Sandy scolded.

Ryan smiled as they chuckled but it was forced. He couldn't laugh.

He'd rarely laughed before Seth, he couldn't laugh without him.

Loss.

There was no other word he could process.

Loss.

He'd lost Seth. He'd never see him again. He'd lost Seth. Like gambling, loss was inevitable but…recovery wasn't something he could process. Irreplaceable.

An irreplaceable loss.

Seth.

"Ryan. Let's go inside," Kirsten said, touching his arm. "Okay?"

"Okay."

He followed them into the mansion and into a lavishly furnished den. He'd never learn his way around this place.

"Hey, guys," Jimmy greeted them nervously.

"Jimmy. Thank you for coming…" Kirsten said.

"God, you guys are the closest thing I have to family…I'm so sorry," he replied, hugging her, genuinely sincere.

"Thanks, Jimmy," Sandy echoed.

"I have something for you. Caleb said it was urgent and I'm sorry I'm so late…we've been gathering things from your house…this is…" Jimmy turned and held out a shoebox lined with satin.

Ryan couldn't see the contents immediately but Kirsten gasped and leaned back into him. He steadied her with a hand on her back as Sandy reached into the box.

Captain Oats.

Ryan lost his breath.

A fucking plastic horse was going to kill him.

"No," Ryan heard himself say. He turned and slowly walked out of the room.

Captain fucking Oats.

Seth's only friend before Ryan. He'd survived.

Ryan and Captain Oats, Seth Cohen's self-proclaimed best friends had survived the fire intact.

Seth was dead. And he was all alone. Captain Oats and Ryan would never be with him again.

And Ryan couldn't breathe…


	7. Six

"Summer? You're not eating," Coop said.

"Sorry."

"Are you okay?" Lindsay asked.

Summer stared at her.

"I'm not trying to patronize you. It's just…you loved Seth and so did Ryan and both of you are a little…devastated. I'm sorry that I was pissed off at you."

"Pissed off?" Summer asked, confused.

"Ryan said you 'flipped out'. I think he's worried about you and I was angry that you were stressing him out…"

Summer's first reaction was anger at the girl for being pissed but she stopped herself from snapping. She had hit Ryan's mother. She had hit Ryan. His mom. What if she'd have hit Kirsten? She wasn't thinking rationally then…

"I'm sorry," Lindsay said, flushed after a scolding glance from Coop.

"It's okay," Summer said honestly.

"Can I ask what happened? Was it his mom?"

"Cohen hated her. Cohen loved Ryan…I didn't want her there," Summer said, shivering. "Cohen wouldn't want her here."

"Come on, Sum, let's walk," Coop said, pulling her to her feet off the bed. Lindsay flanked them to the stairs.

Cohen was dead. She wasn't.

She loved him…he was the first boy she'd ever loved. Her first love. Love. Loved.

Past tense.

Past.

"No…"

Chino's voice was serious. Lindsay hurried past her.

The Nana was following Chino down the hall at the foot of the stairs.

"Ryan?" Lindsay called, catching his elbow. He swiveled to face them and his eyes were panicked as his gaze flickered between them. His eyes were wild like they were in the hospital.

Something had spooked him.

Something concerning Cohen.

"Ryan…" Nana started, but Ryan shook his head and pulled Lindsay into his arms, murmuring something into her ear.

"We'll take care of him, Nana," Summer said, stepping between her and the couple.

"Okay…but don't let him run off, okay?" Nana asked, glancing at Ryan worriedly.

"Promise," Summer nodded.

"Come on, Ryan, let's take you outside for some air, all right?" Lindsay said soothingly, leading him toward the patio.

"God…I'm completely fucking losing it…" Ryan muttered once he stepped into the backyard.

"Ryan…hey…talk to me," Lindsay said, taking his wrists.

"I'm sorry," Ryan said, looking at Summer. "Jimmy showed up with Captain Oats and…I'm just not functioning yet…" His breathing was shallow and rapid.

"Captain Oats? The horse?" Marissa asked.

Summer knew Captain Oats.

"Seth…he fucking worshipped that thing…he'd kick my ass for calling him a 'thing', I mean, the horse has his own Chrismukkah stocking, he has a fucking birthday…" Ryan whispered.

"Ryan, wait, just pause for me…look at me…" Lindsay pulled him away from them a few feet.

"You okay?" Marissa asked her.

"Yeah." She was. She had to be. Seth would hate all the drama.

He'd hate seeing what his death was doing to Ryan and his parents.

Cohen was such an asshole for leaving them. He never did know how to make an exit.

He was gone.

Cohen was never coming back.

She took a breath.

He was never coming back.

She was strong. She'd made it without him before. She'd get over him. She was strong.

"Summer?" Coop called.

"I'm okay."

Sandy appeared, putting his hand gently on her shoulder. "Hi, girls."

"Sandy," Marissa smiled. "How are you?"

"Better. Kirsten's better and I'm better," Sandy's gaze kept drifting toward Ryan.

"Ryan will be okay. Lindsay's great with him," Marissa whispered to Sandy.

Ryan's breathing was slower and controlled with his eyes closed and his head leaning on Lindsay's shoulder. She had her arms around him and was rubbing his back.

"I'd give him space but…I'm too worried about him," Sandy said honestly.

"Okay. Stable. No longer hyperventilating," Ryan stated, stepping into their circle. "Sorry…"

"You're okay," Sandy stated.

"Not really. But I'll get there," Ryan replied.

"Captain Oats sent you running," Sandy said and they were all startled when Ryan smiled.

"That fucking horse…I was never allowed to touch it...him, whatever, I made fun of it, like, once and Seth revoked my privileges," Ryan said slowly.

Summer laughed. It was so Coheny and she believed Chino completely. Sandy was laughing, too and pulled Ryan into a rough embrace.

"What can I do to help you?" Sandy asked after a moment.

"Sandy…I promise not to run…can I stop taking the pills?"

Summer hadn't considered the fact that Ryan was taking pills. Seth said that Ryan hated drugs and the one time she'd offered him a Tylenol for a headache, he'd refused.

"I'll talk to your doctor and if they're not necessary for your health then you're done with them, okay?" Sandy asked.

"Thank you," Ryan replied as Sandy released him.

"Let's go inside."

"I should apologize to the Nana," Chino said.

"I'll get you some water, Ryan," Lindsay said, waiting for his assent before leaving.

"Summer, will you come with me?" Ryan asked.

"Sure," she answered immediately.

"I'll come back to the den. I'm okay," Ryan promised Sandy.

"Caleb's looking for you. He has something…of Seth's. He wants you to see it. He won't show anyone else, so if you're not ready…"

"I'm okay," Ryan repeated. "Focused."

"Okay. I trust you," Sandy said. "I'll be inside."

"Should I…" Marissa began.

"You can stay. I just wanted to talk to Summer," Ryan said, turning to her.

"I'm sorry about today…" she started.

"What do you know about my mom?" Ryan asked softly.

"Nothing…Cohen…he talked about her. She's…is she good for you?" Summer asked, hesitant.

"It's nobody's business but mine. I never told Seth…"

"He knows you…he knew you," Summer rephrased.

Ryan lowered his gaze. "Well…don't do it again, Summer…I'm not really thinking straight so I can't fault you for trying to 'rescue' me…I need some serious rescuing right now," he whispered.

"Well, I owe you one," Summer said.

"And I owe you two," Marissa said, nudging him playfully. "So snap out of it. We need you."

"We'll be okay, Ryan," Summer said.

"God, I hope so," Ryan muttered shakily. "Let's go find the Nana."

-

Caleb was staring at the lock box.

Once he'd wiped off all the smoke damage, he'd discovered a permanent marker inscription on the top.

_For approved eyes only. No Mom or Dad._

And beneath those words in a different color ink: _My executor is to be my brother._

Executor. Seth knew he was going to die.

Caleb didn't understand kids today. Kirsten and Hailey had been perfect daughters, as far as he knew. His wife had handled the girls.

But things had changed.

Teenagers died every day.

Music and movies glorified death and violence.

His stepdaughter had tried to kill herself.

So the fact that his grandson had considered death shouldn't have stricken him.

He considered death every day. Blood thinners and approved diets and obituaries taunted him.

But Seth was young. He was his heir. Kirsten's pride and protégée.

_My executor is to be my brother._

As much as Caleb wanted to unlock the box and see into Seth's life…

_My executor is to be my brother._

Ryan. He could no longer ignore the boy from Chino. He'd saved his daughter. He'd almost died pulling Seth from the fire.

And the boy's anguish was pure.

Ryan Atwood was now another person that Caleb was bound to.

-

"Stay." Ryan spoke softly as he kneeled by the bed in front of the box. Caleb had just left, taking Marissa with him to meet her mother.

Lindsay and Summer froze by the door.

"Everybody stay. I can't…I can't do this by myself," Ryan whispered.

Lindsay glanced at Summer for an instant before they both went to him, taking seats beside him on the carpet.

Ryan lifted the box and put it on the floor. He took a deep breath and stuck the key in the lock.

"Turn it," Summer urged when he didn't continue.

Ryan turned the key and no one breathed as he lifted the top.

"I shouldn't be here. I'll be outside." Lindsay didn't explain herself before leaving in a rush.

"Chino…"

"No. She's right. You ready?" Ryan asked, mesmerized by the box. He raised a typed page. It was dated the day Ryan had left with Teresa.

_Ryan left tonight. My best friend. My brother. The fucking best person I ever met. I hope he's reading this and we're still close…I hope he forgives me for leaving. I hope for a lot of things. Right now, it seems like the end of my world, of my utter existence. But I'm not going out without a fight. The past year has been worth all the hell I went through. I love a girl, the best girl ever and the best thing ever is that she loves me back. And my parent's disgustingly saccharine love for each other can't even touch the love we have right now. And I hope she can forgive me for leaving too. I have my first true friend and I'm respectable and special and cool and not a huge tool for the first time in my life. _

_But Ryan's leaving so I don't know what else to say or what's going to happen. _

_I'm thinking about the end again._

_Nana has cancer and my brother's giving up his life for a kid that's not even his. _

_So I'm thinking about my life again. What people will have to remember me by._

_See, I write a letter every time I feel like this and when I unlock this box, I tear up the previous one and replace it. I hope this one gets destroyed soon…or not. I hope I live a long time and this one gets burned in 4026 after my cryogenically frozen body has finally deteriorated beyond repair. Maybe my clone will write the next letter. _

_If not, then at least this one tells everyone how happy I was. _

_My parents are still the people I trust most in the world and they're the most mushiest parents ever. I love them so much. One of the only reasons I feel like I can leave them is that I know that they love me and will always love me. _

_Summer Roberts is still the most beautiful girl in existence. I love her more now than I ever have in the past. Being with her is so much better than I could've imagined. She's beautiful inside and out like I always thought. I hope she can forgive me for not being strong enough to stay. _

_New this time, is my brother, Ryan. I wish I could be worthy enough to impress him. I hope he knows how much he changed my life. He gave me a life. I love him. Not in a sex way, but more than I could ever put into words. See, I wrote letters to Summer and my parents telling them that I was leaving but I can't do that for Ryan. It hurts too much to put it into words that he'll actually read while I'm still here. This is different. This letter, I hope, will be something no one will see for a long time. Or ever. I'm still working on that immortality serum…_

_And that's it. I'm leaving. I'm sailing to __Tahiti__ or as far as my snacks last. I suck at details, that was Ryan's job. _

_Oh. If I'm gone now and people are reading this, then relax. Share my wisdom with the worthy. Make sure Chrismukkah sweeps the nation. Take care of my brother and my parents and Summer and all the people that cared about me. I hope no one hates me. If so, I ask for a truce. Forgive me for whatever you hate me for because I'm gone. Tell lots of good stories about me and make sure that Captain Oats goes to a good home. _

_-Seth Cohen 2004_

-

Kirsten heard whispering and paused on her way to the kitchen.

Her father's house was a maze.

She saw Lindsay and Marissa outside a closed door, looking stricken.

"Is everything all right?" she asked.

"Kirsten, yeah, it's fine…your father gave Ryan the box," Marissa said nervously.

The box. Her father had told them about the mysterious box they'd gleaned from what was left of her home.

She wanted to see it but she knew that her father wouldn't have kept it from her if it hadn't been what Seth wanted.

"How long?" she asked.

"About…an hour," Lindsay hesitated. "Summer's with him."

An hour.

"Should we knock?" Marissa asked her.

"I'll knock. I'm sure they're fine," she said. She didn't believe it though. She went to the door and rapped softly.

After a long moment, the door opened. Summer looked at her with dazed eyes. The girl didn't say anything but reached out and took her hand.

"Summer…"

"Shh…Chino needs quiet," Summer whispered, leading her to the side of the bed.

She'd never seen Ryan cry before. He was utterly still but tears were streaming down his face and dripping onto his pants.

"Seth…he kept things that were special to him in the box…pictures and stuff," Summer whispered.

Kirsten hesitated. She didn't know if she was ready for this. Seth's things…his special things.

Her son was dead.

She sat down.

It was Seth. He'd saved things…

Summer kneeled beside her and slid the box from in front of Ryan towards her. Ryan didn't move. She picked up the letter.

"I have to get cleaned up," Ryan said suddenly, standing up and rushing to the bathroom.

She read the first few lines and stopped breathing. She looked at Summer. "Will you get my husband, please?"

"Of course, are you…" Summer's face flashed with regret and worry.

"I'm okay. He should be here, though."

"I'll get him…" She hurried from the room.

Kirsten put the letter aside. She needed Sandy to read her son's last words.

She saw the stack of pictures first. She recognized her cotillion photo with Jimmy on her arm. Sandy's summer camp photo with his shorty-shorts. Seth's first birthday when he'd thrown up on the clown. Ryan's learner's permit from Chino with a crew cut. Seth and Anna at her cotillion. A diner menu snapshot from Tijuana. A postcard from Vegas.

There were sketches, too. Of their house in Berkeley. Of caped superheroes atop Captain Oats the Stallion. Of Summer.

She found a seashell and a peso on a chain, both from their trip to Cancun when he was seven. She remembered that he'd cried the whole time. She found a piece of yellow yarn that she recognized from the ball of yarn he'd given to his first kitten, 'Spike', that they'd given away on the third day after adopting him because he'd scratched him so much. She found a fake ID with Seth's smiling face and a stranger's name. Concert stubs from bands she'd never heard of. A bracelet that looked like the ones Wonder Woman used to wear.

"Kirsten?"

"Sandy. Sit…look," she whispered, reaching for him. She hadn't realized that she was crying.

"What's…"

"Sit," she said, pulling him to the floor.

"Why are we whispering, honey?" Sandy whispered.

"This deserves quiet," she replied.

-

He turned on the tap and cupped his hands under the cool flow before splashing it on his face.

Breathe.

Seth was gone.

He'd lived without Seth for 16 years.

He'd lived without Seth all summer.

It wasn't as good or as…happy.

But he could do it.

He had to. He didn't have a choice.

Life was always unpredictable and scary.

He'd survived when his dad went to jail. When his mom left him. And now Seth. He could do this.

He had to. He was strong.

He dried his face, rubbing the thick towel against his skin to try and regain his focus.

He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair.

He opened the door and stepped back into the bedroom.

Sandy and Kirsten were sitting in the floor, looking through their son's memories.

"You guys okay?" he asked.

"Ryan…yeah…are you?" Sandy asked, distracted by the box's contents but visibly concerned.

"I'm okay." He steadied himself. "I'll give you some privacy…"

"No, stay…" Kirsten said. "You can tell us about the things we don't recognize…"

He glanced at Summer's Wonder Woman bracelet and Seth's fake id from Vegas.

Seth wouldn't necessarily want his parents to know about those things.

Sandy was watching him and seemed to understand. "You don't think he'd want us to know about everything, do you?"

"It's just…that's Seth's stuff, it's like a scrapbook of his life…and some of the things…they might not be the best things for you guys to know about…right now, anyway…" Ryan tried to explain.

Kirsten seemed to understand but he wasn't sure that he wasn't hurting them more by not telling them. He started to say something more but she stood up and pulled him into a tight hug, squeezing him. "Thank you…for just…being such a good friend to Seth…"

"I…"

"Go get some air," she whispered, releasing him finally

He nodded. He needed air.


	8. Seven

_AN: The story will change slightly following this chapter, the POV's will narrow down and probably rotate between the Cohens + 1 (and Summer, she totally counts...) but I hope the readers will still follow it. _

* * *

_"…Eternal Life is now on my trail  
Got my red glitter coffin, man, just need one last nail  
While all these ugly gentlemen play out their foolish games  
There's a flaming red horizon that screams our names  
__And as your fantasies are broken in two  
Did you really think this bloody road would  
Pave the way for you?  
You better turn around  
And blow your kiss hello to life eternal, angel…"_

_-Jeff Buckley_

* * *

"…The arrangements…" Caleb was saying when Sandy refocused on the conversation at hand. 

"What?" Kirsten's attention was captured, too.

They were still sitting in the floor of Ryan's temporary room with Seth's box. Caleb had only joined them a few minutes ago and was sitting on the edge of the bed.

"We need to start making the arrangements. For the wake and the service…I know it seems soon, but…"

"No…you're right." He turned to Kirsten who was nodding solemnly.

"I'll take care of anything that you want," Caleb offered immediately. "But…I think that it should be up to you," Caleb said softly.

"What needs to be done?" Kirsten murmured.

"Seth's body is at the mortician's…do you want to have visitation before the funeral or should we plan a separate day for viewing…and you'll have to pick out a casket or if you want to cremate…" Caleb started.

He couldn't hear this. He knew he had to but it was too much for him. He waved his hand and Caleb stopped. "Is there someone we should talk to?"

"The mortician's here now. He has a lot of pamphlets and things for you to look through…"

Sandy turned to Kirsten and she nodded, reaching out and taking his hand as they got to their feet. "Can we see him somewhere quiet?"

"How about the study down the hall? I'll have someone bring you both some coffee, okay? Go ahead and get settled and then I'll bring him down," Caleb said, he ushered them from the bedroom and down the hall to a large office. Sandy sat down on the couch with Kirsten.

"You sure you're ready for this?"

"Seth's gone. It's time we started dealing with it. Do you think Ryan should be here? To help with the decisions?"

Sandy shook his head. "I don't think he could handle it right now. What do you think?"

She nodded. "You're right. This is what we're here for. We can do this." She leaned her head against his shoulder and he put his arm around her.

Caleb walked in with the somber man in a suit who immediately offered his condolences and shook their hands, introducing himself as Mr. White.

Sandy was surprised at the man's strong handshake and kind eyes.

"I know this is going to be hard. No parent should have to bury their child. Anything that we can do to make this easier for you, please ask," Mr. White said.

"Thank you," Kirsten replied.

"What kind of arrangements do you think would be most suitable?" Mr. White asked.

Sandy accepted the pamphlet with the coffins and vaults pictured. He barely registered Kirsten's voice as she took over answering the man's questions. All he was aware of was Kirsten's hand clinging to his.

They were picking out the box that Seth would be buried in. The man was asking him about what clothes they wanted Seth to be buried in. Did they want an open casket at the funeral.

This was it.

"Sandy?" Kirsten called.

"I'm here."

"Seth hated wearing suits…even though he looked nice in them…maybe we should pick out a t-shirt or…"

"Everything was burned…all his things…"

"The poolhouse was untouched, Kiki. There might be some of his clothes there," Caleb offered.

"He hated suits…that's a good idea. He'd like to be buried…in something that was more his style," Sandy whispered.

"I'll take care of it. I'll get the kids to help," Caleb nodded.

"We'll have a viewing at the funeral home for everyone…and the funeral the next day at Mom's church…is that okay, Sandy? Do you think a Catholic service…"

"Maybe we should keep it non-denominational. A few words…some prayer…Seth's in heaven, I'm sure he's there with Jesus and Moses…" Sandy replied.

"Right. Can we do that?" Kirsten asked Mr. White.

"Of course. Mr. Nichol's has already spoken with your priest and Mrs. Cohen has spoken with your rabbi, they'll both be at the service," Mr. White explained.

Kirsten squeezed his hand. "We can do this," she whispered.

"We have to. What's our timeline?" Sandy asked Mr. White.

"We were thinking that we could have the visitation tomorrow night and the funeral the following day," Caleb said quietly.

"Okay."

"We've already prepared Seth's body. Once you decide on the clothes, we'll dress him and arrange for a family viewing so you can see him," Mr. White explained.

Sandy nodded.

"Sandy? Are you sure?" Kirsten asked, suddenly apprehensive.

"Yes. It's time."

* * *

Ryan kept his eyes glued to the floor as he followed Sandy and Kirsten into the church. Lindsay's hand was hot in his and he could hear Summer's soft breathing behind him. 

They'd accepted condolences the night before with false smiled plastered on their faces as the people came through the line to say goodbye to Seth.

Ryan had turned his brain off but he couldn't seem to do that today. He hadn't been able to sleep after the previous night and he was more wired today than ever. He didn't know if he could do this.

Seth's casket loomed at the end of the aisle dressed in that cheesy t-shirt they'd found in the poolhouse. 'Have you hugged my t-shirt today?'

Ryan wanted to go home.

But his home was being buried today.

"Ryan? Come on," Lindsay whispered, urging him to walk.

Ryan measured his steps and sat down beside Kirsten on the front row, Sandy at the end. Kirsten patted his hand reassuringly but her eyes were already filled with tears.

"It'll be over soon," Lindsay whispered, squeezing his hand.

But it'd never be over. Not really. He had a void now, where Seth had been and it wasn't getting smaller, it seemed to be growing every day. Seth was his better half and without him, Ryan didn't know what was left.

The whispers were deafening as the church filled and the organ began to play.

"Couldn't find an organist to play Death Cab, I guess," Summer sniffled from behind them. Sandy smiled and even Kirsten giggled.

As the priest started to talk, Ryan's gaze landed on the casket.

He didn't hear Kirsten's hoarse sobs or Sandy's whispers of comfort. He didn't see Summer squeezing Marissa's hand so tight that it bruised.

Seth Cohen was dead.

His body was empty of blood and cold in that box in front of him.

But he didn't feel dead to Ryan. Ryan could still feel his presence.

"Breathe," Lindsay whispered in his ear.

He'd been holding his breath. He inhaled deeply.

Seth was being laid to rest.

Ryan had to go on alone now and hope that one day, he'd get to see him again.

He'd make Seth proud.

Kirsten sobbed into Sandy's chest and Ryan couldn't comfort her. Lindsay was crying softly but he couldn't comfort her either. Comfort was something he'd forgotten how to do.

The priest's words flowed over him until he closed his eyes, needing the darkness.

Peace. The one word filtered through.

Seth was at peace.

The music started to play again as Lindsay pulled him gently to stand up.

Now came the grave.

* * *

Nana didn't know how any of them were still standing, sleep had been a stranger to her son and his family. She'd found them individually and as a group sneaking cups of coffee. 

She'd loved Seth but he'd been Sandy and Kirsten's world and without him, well, she was worried about how her son was going to make it.

But they were surviving. As much as she hated to admit it, Kirsten was a good woman and a good mother. Kirsten was keeping Sandy afloat. And Ryan, who seemed on the verge of shattering, was steady around them both. They were a team and supported each other. She couldn't say the same about her own family, her other two boys hadn't even bothered to show up to support Sandy. But Kirsten, Ryan and Sandy were focused on each other.

Nana watched Sandy and Kirsten step forward and place their flowers on the casket. They stepped back, controlled.

Ryan didn't move immediately. He was holding his flower and glanced at Sandy for an instant and waited for him to nod. He shuffled forward and placed a hand on the box, solemnly. He laid his flower between Kirsten and Sandy's and she thought she saw his lips move before he stepped back, but she could be sure. She wondered if the kid had ever been to a funeral before.

The priest and rabbi said their final words and the casket was lowered into the ground beside Kirsten's mother.

Kirsten was apparently cried out and stood stoically beside Sandy before turning and embracing Summer who was sobbing again.

Nana liked Summer. She had a spirit fit for someone like her Sethela. And it was clear that the girl had loved him.

Nana walked over and tapped Hailey as she passed. She had to take control and Hailey was just the one to help. Hailey had been like a willing employee, gladly accepting her instructions to protect Sandy and Kirsten from the greedy press and overwhelming Newpsies.

"Ryan, it's time to go," Lindsay was saying when she reached them.

"Can I stay a few minutes?" Ryan asked, staring at the grave. They all seemed startled and whether it was because he'd spoken or his question, it took them a few moments to process it.

"Why?" Kirsten asked.

"I…I need to see him through," Ryan replied.

Nana waved her hand in front of Ryan's face but he didn't blink. She took his wrists and shook him gently. "Ryan. Why don't you walk me to the car?"

"Nana. Okay," he said blankly, nodding and taking her elbow.

"That's a good boy…" she said.

"I'm not a puppy," Ryan muttered, smiling slightly as he seemed to snap out of his trance.

"No, you're not," she agreed. He was definitely not a puppy.

A chauffer opened the door to the limo and she stepped inside. He sat down beside her as Sandy and Kirsten got in.

"Oh, Ryan…" Kirsten embraced him impulsively.

Nana had been surprised at Kirsten's blatant affection for Ryan following Seth's death. She seemed terrified of losing sight of him or Sandy.

"I'm okay…don't cry…I'm okay," Ryan whispered until she finally released him.

Summer, Caleb and Marissa joined them while Lindsay and Hailey rode in the front.

"We're having lunch catered so you can all get changed and meet the family in the ballroom when you're ready," Caleb said.

"The ballroom?" Nana asked.

Sandy snickered.

"It has the best seating," Caleb replied, indignant. Only Caleb would have a ballroom.

"I don't want to go. I don't want to see anyone else," Ryan mumbled to Kirsten.

"Are you sure? You haven't eaten much besides coffee today, Ryan," Kirsten replied.

"I don't want to talk to anyone else," he replied, not meeting anyone's gaze.

"You've barely spoken all day, Chino," Summer whispered.

"He doesn't have to come down but he has to eat. Deal?" Sandy asked.

Ryan nodded and swallowed thickly, glancing at him gratefully. The Nana was still figuring out what kind of connection there was between Ryan and her son. It was strong and Ryan seemed willing to defer all his decisions to Sandy.

"I'm going to take Summer home, too," Marissa said.

"But I'll call Chino later," Summer added quickly.

Ryan smiled slightly and nodded.

Nana patted his leg gently and was reassured when he met her gaze. The kid would be okay.

* * *

"Where's Ryan?" Jimmy asked her. 

"Hiding," Kirsten replied. "He's got a good idea. This is a little much for all of us."

The ballroom was filled with people. Newpsies and distant relatives and teachers and coworkers were clustered everywhere.

Sandy was talking with some people from the DA's office across the room and she was grateful for Jimmy's presence.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm…I'm really sad," she answered honestly. "But Sandy's here."

"It'll take time. Is there anything I can get you?"

"Cover for me," she said immediately. "I want to go check on Ryan."

"I can do that…" Jimmy started.

"No." It had to be her.

"Sure. I'll let Sandy know where you are," Jimmy nodded.

Kirsten hurried out of a side door and across the first floor to Ryan's room

She couldn't help herself. She was worried about him. She didn't know if it was transference and she was simply focusing all her maternal instincts on him. She didn't know. She didn't know if he'd always been so vulnerable under his hard exterior and she'd never noticed it because of Seth's distracting presence or if he was breaking down. All she knew is that she was worried about him.

She pushed open the door to his room.

He was lying on the bed dressed in torn jeans and sweatshirt but he was still shivering.

"Ryan?" she called, hurrying over to sit down beside him.

"Kirsten, hey…" he said, not sitting up.

She put her hand to his forehead and he wasn't warm, he seemed cold. "Why don't you get under the covers?"

"I can't sleep," he replied, sitting up now.

"Maybe you can't sleep because you're cold," she offered.

"Do you want me to come out?"

She brushed his shaggy hair out of his face and shook her head. His eyes were dark with exhaustion…and anguish.

"I want you to go take a hot shower and then put on some sweatpants and a t-shirt. I'll be here when you get out."

"To tuck me in?" he smirked.

"If it comes to that," she replied honestly. If she thought it'd make him sleep, she'd tuck him in. "I was thinking more along the lines of hot tea and dinner."

"I'll be all right. You should probably get back. The Nana made me eat already, before Lindsay left," Ryan admitted.

She hated the way he seemed to apologize for getting her attention. He seemed to be more comfortable in the background.

"Jimmy's covering for me. And you have to get some sleep."

"You aren't looking too rested either," Ryan replied.

There was a quiet knock at the door and Sandy stepped in. "I can't fly solo out there."

"Sorry," Kirsten apologized.

"What's going on in here?" Sandy asked.

"I'm trying to convince Ryan to get some sleep," Kirsten replied.

"Ah. It's definitely been a long day," Sandy said. "The guests are leaving now."

"Not because of me, I hope," she replied.

"Nana's ushering them out. She says we all look like zombies," Sandy replied, sitting down.

"Will you at least lie down?" she asked Ryan.

He conceded, lying down.

"I'll stay with him," Sandy said as she stood up.

"I'll bring tea for all of us. Decaf."

"Sounds good," Sandy nodded.

* * *

Julie pushed open the door to Ryan's room. Kirsten and Sandy were sitting on the edge of his bed, talking quietly. 

"Is he sleeping?" she asked.

"Finally," Kirsten whispered.

"Then you should take advantage. He'll be fine," Julie said.

"Come on, Kirsten. Let's try to get some sleep," Sandy said.

Julie waited until they were in the hallway to flip off the light and close the door.

"Can I get you anything?" Julie offered when they hesitated in the hallway.

"No, thanks. We'll see you in the morning," Kirsten said, leading Sandy toward the stairs.

Julie watched them walk away. She tuned and continued on her way to Marissa's room.

She could see Kirsten and Sandy's strength returning. And Ryan, still unusually quiet, seemed to be more alert after the funeral.

She'd been proud of her daughter today. Marissa had been sober and controlled and had helped Summer and Ryan through the service.

She knocked softly on the door. There was no answer so she pushed it open.

Marissa was asleep, her arm across her face.

She was safe.

* * *

"What are you doing out here?" Marissa whispered. 

"I'm sorry, should I…" Ryan started to get up.

"No, stay…" She sat down beside him on the grass behind the house.

"It's quiet out here. Like, but not in there. I can hear the waves," Ryan said.

"I couldn't sleep," she said. "Do you need anything?"

"I'm okay. I just needed to clear my head," Ryan said. He shivered.

"Can I sit with you?" she asked.

Ryan glanced at her. "Sure. That'd be nice."

"I'm going to go get a blanket, okay?"

Ryan nodded indifferently.

Marissa hurried inside and grabbed a blanket before returning to the backyard. She'd spent all day holding Summer up and now it seemed to be Ryan's turn. She draped the blanket around him and settled down beside him. He'd always taken care of her. She owed him.

"I am so sick of being waited on. I'm fine," Ryan sighed.

"So you usually sit alone in the dark?" Marissa asked.

He snorted. "Occasionally."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I just need to shut my brain off for a while," he whispered. "I want a cigarette but the thought of smoke…"

Marissa studied him. "Are you asking me?"

"Am I asking you what?" Ryan replied.

She reached into the pocket of her sweatpants and pulled out the flask. She hadn't had a drink in two days and she'd been waiting for it.

Ryan laughed suddenly when he saw what she had. "Some things never change…"

"Hey," she said, unsure as to what he meant.

"Sorry." His gaze flickered toward the door. "Kirsten and Sandy would be upset."

"They'll never know," she replied.

He sighed. "It'll definitely shut my brain off. Thanks." He drained the flask in a few swallows and hissed. "Expensive."

"I'll get the rest. Maybe a sleeping pill?" she suggested.

Ryan shook his head. "No. The drink will be enough."

Marissa ignored the worry she felt as she hurried inside again. He'd asked her for it. It would help. It wouldn't hurt. She'd help him turn his brain off.

* * *

"We've got a little problem," Jimmy said, walking up to Hailey on the patio. He had a problem. 

"What?"

"Come here," Jimmy said, leading her across the backyard to a small area where Ryan and Marissa were sleeping under a comforter, an empty bottle of vodka between them on the grass. His daughter had been staying with Julie for months now and he'd hoped that she'd stopped drinking. But here she was.

"Shit. Poor kid," Hailey sighed.

"I've never known Ryan to drink. Marissa's a different story," Jimmy admitted. Marissa had a problem.

"I don't think we should tell Kirsten or Sandy," Hailey said. "I'll get Marissa and you get Ryan. We'll put them to bed…"

"Jimmy? Hailey?" Sandy's voice startled them both.

"Sandy." Jimmy turned.

"What are they…oh." Sandy's face fell when he saw the liquor bottle.

"Sorry, Sandy. We just found them," Jimmy apologized. He hated that Marissa was the cause of this. Sandy had enough to deal with and this wasn't going to help.

"Not your fault," Sandy sighed. Jimmy couldn't read his friend's face. Sandy took charge, stepping forward and shaking the teenagers awake. "Good morning…"

"Oh no…" Marissa realized her situation first. "Sandy, it's my fault…"

"No, I couldn't sleep, I'm sorry, Sandy…" Ryan started.

"Both of you go inside and get cleaned up. Ryan, I'll talk to you as soon as you're done."

"Yes, sir," Ryan nodded, getting up.

"Wait a minute, Marissa," Jimmy called, following her to the door.

"Dad…"

"No. This is inexcusable." He lowered his voice and looked deeply into his daughter's eyes. "You are going to get some help."

"Dad, I don't…"

"Marissa. Think," he whispered. He wanted to shake her…but he'd never do that.

Her bottom lip started to quiver but she nodded. "Okay, Daddy."

"We'll talk about it after you have some coffee."

Marissa rushed inside. He was going to have to take a stand with her. She wasn't getting better here.

"I'm sorry, Sandy," Jimmy said, turning to face Sandy.

"It's not your fault, Jimmy. He's having a rough time. He's a big boy," Sandy sighed. "I have a favor to ask you guys, though."

"Anything, Sandy," Hailey nodded.

"Find us a place to live. Apartment, house, garage, whatever. I don't think we should stay here any longer than we have to," Sandy admitted.

"What are you looking for?" Jimmy asked.

"Two bedrooms, kitchen, two bathrooms preferably, any price is fine. Take Kirsten with you, it'll be a good distraction," Sandy said.

"What are you going to do?" Hailey asked.

"I have to tie up some loose ends with the insurance company and the fire department and I have to take Ryan to the doctor…"

"Because of this?" Jimmy asked.

"No, because of the smoke inhalation and so they can check his stitches," Sandy replied.

"We'll find you a place, Sandy," Jimmy promised.


	9. Eight

_"…did you know I miss you?  
__I'll always miss you…"  
__-Something Corporate _

* * *

"This is the one," Kirsten announced. 

"It's only our third stop," Hailey protested.

"I don't care. I'm not an impulse shopper, Hailey, I want this one," she stated.

It was beachfront, a small cottage with two stories and an observation deck on the roof where the previous owner had a telescope and a lawn chair set up. The master bedroom was on the 2nd floor with it's own deck with a game room across from it, fully furnished with a bar, big screen TV and pool table. There was a single bedroom on the first floor along with a large kitchen and living room with another big screen TV. The back porch was on the beach and the front yard was fenced in and was a landscaped garden with benches and fountains that stretched for almost an acre before stopping near the private street. It was unbelievably expensive, but Kirsten didn't plan on telling Sandy that detail. She wanted this house.

"Okay," Hailey sighed. "I'll call the realtor.

Jimmy approached her. "Are you…"

"I'm sure. It's perfect." She was sure. It had the game room for Sandy and Ryan and the garden was perfect for here. The beach was right outside so she would be able to watch Sandy surf from the house and the location was close so Ryan could walk to school or the pier if he wanted.

Jimmy seemed satisfied.

"Now. I'll call some of my associates from the Newport Group and get some of the furniture switched out and I need you to drive me to the mall," Kirsten said.

"What?" Jimmy asked, confused.

Kirsten was on a mission now though. It was a new day. "I have to buy a whole new wardrobe. Sandy, too. And I don't think Ryan should wear anything from the poolhouse. And we'll need drapes and a PS2 for the game room…so the mall is our next destination…"

Jimmy seemed startled but nodded.

Hailey stepped over. "It's yours. The bank's wiring the money."

"Great. Hailey, call Summer and Lindsay and Julie and get them to meet me at the mall."

"Why?"

"Housewarming trip. Julie can help me with the wardrobe and decorations and the girls are in charge of things to cheer up Ryan's room."

"On it," Hailey grinned.

Kirsten would make this place home before the sun went down. She needed something to focus on.

* * *

Ryan wasn't hungover and it turned out that he had a good day. Or the best day since Seth had died. He was Sandy's chauffeur to the bank and the lawyer's and the doctor's office for his check up. Sandy had kept him informed and the barrage of technical terms and numbers kept him distracted and he'd ended up helping Sandy a few times by recognizing discrepancies because of his talent with numbers. 

Now, it was almost sunset and Sandy was listening to his voicemails as Ryan drove toward Caleb's.

Ryan had appreciated the time away from the mansion, the Nana and Julie's hovering was really getting to him and Sandy didn't constantly pester him about his 'mental health'.

"Turns out we're not sleeping at the 'Haunted Mansion' tonight. Kirsten's found us a new house," Sandy said with his phone still to his ear.

Ryan was surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah." He typed an address into the GPS system and Ryan followed the directions.

"You did good today, kid," Sandy stated.

"I'm really sorry about last night." He was. He shouldn't have drank.

"Promise me you won't make it a habit," Sandy said after a long pause.

"I promise," Ryan nodded.

The GPS barked out another order.

"Things are going to change, Ryan. Kirsten and I talked a lot last night."

Ryan couldn't sense Sandy's mood so he simply nodded.

"You and Seth…we trusted you guys to take care of each other. Now you're on your own…and we worry."

"Sandy…"

"It's not as bad as you think, kid." Sandy said quickly. "But tonight, we're giving you a cell phone and a checking account. And we want you to always tell us where you are and…" he hesitated. "And if you ever drink like you did last night, we want you to call us…"

"Okay, Sandy," Ryan whispered, stunned.

"Tonight is just us, kid. Me, you and Kirsten. We have a lot to talk about."

"Yeah?" Ryan asked. That sounded like enough to him.

"Yeah."

The GPS announced that they were one minute away as Ryan pulled onto a private street.

"We want to rebuild the house," Sandy stated. "On the same land. It was Kirsten's mother's house and Seth grew up there…the pool's there and the poolhouse…we're just thinking."

Ryan was surprised that they'd even include him in the decision. "That's cool, Sandy," he said honestly. He hadn't thought about it. He hadn't thought about anything past Seth's death.

Ryan pulled the Range Rover in behind Sandy's BMW at the end of the long paved driveway they had followed through a flush garden lit by lamps.

"Wow," Sandy remarked, stepping out.

"This is nice," Ryan agreed. The garden seemed endless from their view and the sound of the waves from the beach and running water from the fountains muted the city sounds.

"Boys, come in, I want your opinion," Kirsten called.

Ryan followed Sandy up the sidewalk to the porch.

The house was warm, that was the first thing Ryan noticed.

He hadn't been able to get warm since the funeral.

"It's beautiful," Sandy said. The huge flat screen TV was playing Rocky II and Sandy stretched out immediately on the plush couch.

"Come on, Ryan…"

Ryan smiled because Kirsten was downright giddy. He let himself soak up her enthusiasm as she linked arms with him and led him down a small hall.

"This is your room," she said.

There was a huge window seat that offered a view of the ocean. It was painted a dark blue and the walls were decorated with a poster of a Harley Davidson chopper, the periodic table and a street map of Chino. He laughed out loud, sensing Summer's influence and was pleased when Kirsten joined him. CDs of classic rock bands lined a full bookshelf across from a state of the art computer and stereo system. The bed was king-sized with dark red sheets.

"It's great," he promised. She embraced him impulsively before pulling him upstairs for more tour.

He was overwhelmed by the game room but followed her further up the stairs to the roof.

"See…three years ago, Seth gave me this book," Kirsten said, holding up a yellow book. "Astronomy for Dummies. He meant to get 'Astrology for Dummies' but it was the thought that counted," she explained.

Ryan grinned and examined the telescope.

"Do you know how to use it?"

He did, thanks to remnants of a trip with Seth to the planetarium during his early days in Newport. He adjusted the angle and motioned for Kirsten to peer through the lens.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Mars. See how it's red?" Ryan asked.

"Its…it's amazing."

"This is nice, Kirsten. It's really nice," Ryan said honestly.

"I think so, too," she whispered.

"Where are you guys?" Sandy called from inside.

"Come on, Ryan, now I have to make sure Sandy approves," she said, leading him back inside.

* * *

Sandy watched Kirsten's playful joy as she flipped through the astronomy book on the carpet by his feet in the game room. Ryan was methodically pocketing the balls on the pool table behind them as he braided Kirsten's hair, like he'd done in the beginning of their courtship. 

It'd been a good day, considering. Seth's absence was still painfully obvious but Ryan had been his partner for the day. He remembered a conversation with Seth where his son had told him how Ryan could adapt himself to any situation and Ryan had proved it today. He'd been remarkably quick at picking up the financial lingo and had snapped him out of his daze a few times.

Kirsten's home felt like just that, home. There were even pictures of Seth and their family lining the walls that Caleb and other people had given her.

Ryan had relaxed and actually cleaned his plate at dinner. Kirsten had laughed when he'd kissed her on the beach

Ryan walked over and sat down beside him. "Since…since it's just us…maybe we should do something."

"What do you have in mind?" Sandy asked.

Ryan pulled a backpack from behind him. "It's Seth's personal archive. He loaned it to me and Jimmy brought it to me from the poolhouse…"

Assorted DVDs spilled out. _The Goonies _was the first one he recognized. Frayed copies of _Kavalier__ and Clay_ and Kerouac's _On The Road_. CDs.

"How about we start a new tradition? Eat pudding and watch the Goonies," Ryan whispered hesitantly.

"It's a great idea," Sandy said, smiling.

Ryan put the DVD in, he was the only one who could work their new entertainment center, as Kirsten went to get pudding and spoons.

Sandy watched Ryan but he couldn't sense anything from his movements. The boy was already putting his walls back up. It had taken Seth months to break Ryan out of his shell and already, the kid was rebuilding his defenses. He'd known the boys were close, but he'd had no idea how close. Ryan settled on the couch beside him and tugged a blanket off the back and tucked it around his shoulders, giving Sandy a small smile when he caught him looking at him.

"What's up?" Sandy asked, seeing a question behind his eyes.

"Well…" his eyes flicked over his shoulder as if he was listening for Kirsten. "Seth…he always made fun of you but…he always wanted to learn how to surf. Do you think…maybe you could teach me?"

Sandy felt a pain in his gut. Seth. Seth wanted to surf. The boy had hated his lessons, he'd been unbelievably uncoordinated and spent the whole time complaining.

"I'm sorry," Ryan recanted immediately.

"No, Ryan, I was just…surprised. Of course I'll teach you," Sandy said, still stunned. "We'll go board shopping tomorrow."

"Shopping?" Kirsten returned and gave them all handfuls of pudding cups. She sat down on the couch and pulled some of Ryan's blanket down around her.

"Ryan wants to try and surf," Sandy explained. He'd tell her the rest later.

"Really?" Kirsten smiled.

"Can you surf?" Ryan asked her.

Sandy put an arm around her. "Don't let her lie to you. She can surf," he smiled. He remembered surfing with her when they were in college.

"Really? Seth never said…" Ryan was clearly surprised.

"He didn't know," she admitted.

"Then you have to come, right Sandy?" Ryan suggested.

Kirsten reluctantly agreed, but he could tell that she was pleased. They'd find life after Seth. It would just take time.

* * *

Ryan hated school. 

It was like hell without Seth.

Classes weren't that much different, he hadn't had any classes with Seth anyway and he didn't have to talk, just listen to what the teachers told them to do. He'd trained himself to pick up the different tones of the professor's voices, which tone meant 'long lecture' ahead, and which tones meant, 'assignment time'.

It was the time between classes that was going to kill him. Whispers about Seth, whispers about the Hummer that Caleb had forced him to take. Whispers about Lindsay and Summer and their smothering attention. Whispers about Marissa's mysterious disappearance to the rehab clinic. He didn't know why the hell people didn't just talk in a normal voice. He could ignore normal voices, but the whispers caught his attention every time.

Lindsay was sticking close to him between classes. Summer, too. Zach had also 'taken him under his wing' and had been making sure to have lunch with him since the girls had other lunch periods. He'd been going to the daily comic book meetings but he wasn't participating much. Or at all.

It'd been two weeks. Two weeks since Seth left them. Since Seth died.

And nothing was the same. He'd settled into the new house, he'd settled into school.

But nothing seemed to penetrate his mind anymore. It was like he was stoned, all the time. Lindsay would kiss him and he'd kiss her back automatically, but he didn't feel it. He'd talk and laugh with Sandy and Kirsten, but he didn't mean it. He'd hold Summer when she'd cry about Seth, but he didn't hear her.

He'd pushed his emotions so far away from his consciousness that he wondered some times if he'd ever be able to feel anything again. He was on autopilot, doing what he was expected to do. But he wasn't ready to rejoin the world at large without Seth yet. He needed some more time before he could function on all levels.

He had a free period before lunch and lately he'd been staying in the library, but today, Donny wanted him to see something.

Donny was one of the guys in the comic club and he wanted to meet Ryan in the lounge. Ryan had been bringing comics from Seth's collection for the boys to borrow and Donny had left him a voicemail, giddy about one of the ones he'd borrowed.

Ryan walked in and immediately sensed that something was going on. He saw Donny standing by the counter, his shirt soaked with coffee. Chip Saunders was standing in front of him, laughing and holding an empty cup.

"You're a dick," Donny was saying.

"Oh yeah? What the hell are you going to do about it, you little fag?" Chip asked.

Ryan felt something now.

He was angry.

He was really angry.

He didn't see red, he didn't see anything. He was too angry to see.

* * *

Sandy answered his phone absently. "Sandy Cohen." It'd been two weeks since they'd put Seth in the ground. He'd been back in his office for a few hours each day for the past week. But it wasn't coming easily to him. He felt like he was going through the motions. 

"Mr. Cohen. It's Dr. Kim. I'm calling about Ryan…"

"Is everything okay?" Sandy asked immediately.

"I understand that this is a difficult time for your family. Ryan doesn't seem to be dealing as well as he should be. His quality of work hasn't changed but he's noncommunicative and anti-social. Today he was involved in a fight…"

"Oh no…" Sandy sighed.

"It was resolved peacefully, he even apologized to the other student but I sent him home. I think he should stay at home a few more days. Have you considered sending him to therapy?"

"We've talked about it…" Sandy said. He'd discussed it with Kirsten but not with Ryan.

"He's been seeing our guidance counselor every day and she's given him some names. I'd like to talk to you and Kirsten in a few days to discuss when he's ready to return to school."

"Thanks, Dean Kim."

Sandy hung up and immediately dialed Ryan's cell phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, kid. Where are you?"

"Home. Dr Kim call you?"

"Yeah. What happened?"

"Can we talk about it later? I'm…I'm all talked out right now." Sandy could hear the exhaustion in the boy's voice.

"I'm coming home…"

"No, Sandy, I'm fine, I'm not going anywhere," Ryan sighed.

"I'm still coming home," Sandy said, closing his phone.

He knew that he was having a rough time, Seth seemed to be everywhere he turned but he was surviving. He'd taken his first case as a private lawyer and Kirsten had even gone back to work, but Ryan seemed to be getting quieter by the day.

He'd been fooling himself thinking that Ryan was going to be okay.

He locked up his office and climbed into his BMW, dialing Kirsten as he drove.

"Hi, honey, what's going on?" Kirsten answered immediately.

"Dr. Kim sent Ryan home for fighting. I'm on my way there now," Sandy explained.

"Is he okay?"

"Sounded down…"

"Ryan always sounds down, Sandy. What are you going to do? He doesn't go anywhere, so you can't really ground him…"

"I'm just going to talk to him," Sandy sighed. He didn't know what he was going to do.

"You could take away his Hummer."

Sandy laughed. Caleb and his mother had conspired before she flew home and bought Ryan a Humvee. Sandy still hadn't figured out how they'd convinced him to accept it.

"I'll bring dinner home. Call me when you get there."

"I love you."

"I love you, too," she said. They said it every time now. They never knew when they might miss the chance to say it.

Sandy pulled into the driveway and parked beside Ryan's Hummer.

Ryan was sitting on his bed with an icepack against his eye.

"Hey, kid," Sandy said, sitting down.

"Hey."

"Tell me what happened," Sandy said, gingerly lifting the icepack to see the damage.

"Stupid Chip was talking shit to Donny and I…I lost it on him. Broke his nose," Ryan said quietly.

Sandy studied Ryan's bruised knuckles. "You okay?"

Ryan raised his shirt to display his bruises. "He's been working out. I took some Tylenol."

"So. You…"

"I'm sorry," Ryan started suddenly. "I lost my temper. I think…keeping everything all bottled up finally got to be too much." He lowered his voice. "And I scared Lindsay, she's never seen me lose it before…she's pretty mad at me…and I guess you're pretty mad, too…"

"I'm more concerned, Ryan. You've…you aren't yourself. You're not…coping. And now you're fighting?"

Ryan ran a hand through his hair. "It's just really hard being there. They want me to run the comic book club but I…I'm not Seth, I don't know the comics like that…and everyone keeps staring at me and whispering how I'm taking over Seth's life, taking his family from him and…it's hard. Even though Lindsay and Summer are there and Zack's great…I just…"

"Okay, kid," Sandy said, letting him stop. It was more than he'd heard from Ryan in days. Ryan was hurting and it was finally getting to be too much for him to deal with on his own.

Ryan pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to him. "Mrs. Jenkins says I need help. I promised her I'd give you this."

"You're not going to fight me on this?"

Ryan shook his head. "I'll do whatever you want."

* * *

Summer rang the doorbell and smiled as Sandy answered it. 

"Hi, Summer. Always good to see you," he smiled, waving her inside.

"Thanks. I was just coming to check on Chino."

"Did you see the fight, Summer?" Sandy asked.

She'd seen it. Ryan had fought like his life depended on it and stupid Chip had gotten a few too many shots in. Ryan had just snapped, his eyes had been burning with anger. She'd never seen him like that. He'd been out of control. "Yeah."

"Well, he's grounded but I'm not going to send you away. He's in his room. Staying for dinner?"

"Sure," she smiled. She spent a lot of time with the Cohens now. With her father's busy schedule and her stepmonster's continued mood swings, she needed some sort of stability around her. The Cohens always welcomed her. Chino was like a brother to her.

"I'll call Kirsten. She's bringing Thai."

"I love Thai," Summer agreed. She left Sandy and went to Ryan's room.

Ryan was pacing beside his bed.

"Hey, Chino."

"Summer. Hey," Ryan glanced at her with clouded eyes.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Lindsay's pissed."

"I heard. Why don't you sit down?" Summer asked, climbing onto his bed.

Ryan sat down beside her.

"You need to unwind."

"Playstation?" he asked.

"You're grounded," she grinned.

"But you're company. Come on," Ryan said, taking her hand.

Within minutes, they were playing video games in the game room.

She still missed Cohen so much that her body ached with the lack of him. But she was moving on. Getting better. She wasn't crying as much, only about once a day. Killing time with Chino was helping. Lindsay and Zack were helping.

"Cohen would totally love this," Summer said.

"Yeah." Ryan was silent for a long moment. "I really miss him."

She was surprised. Ryan rarely talked about Seth. "I know. Me, too."

Sandy walked in and settled on the couch between them. "So, can I sit in?"

Ryan shrugged. Summer didn't mind, Sandy and Kirsten always hung out with them. They weren't like parents…more like cool old people.

"Do you have homework?" Sandy asked Ryan. Well, sometimes they were parents.

"It's done and emailed," Ryan replied.

"Good," Sandy smiled.

"Are you suspended?" she asked Ryan.

"I'm taking a leave of absence," Ryan said quietly.

"Nothing's on his record, though," Sandy added.

"You broke Chip's nose," she said.

"Not the first time. He wasn't mad," Ryan shrugged.

"You talked to him?" she asked, surprised.

"Yeah. We apologized. He's still an ass," Ryan muttered.

"Ryan," Sandy scolded.

"So you break his nose and then you guys make up in the office?" Summer pressed.

"Yeah," Ryan said indifferently.

"Impressive," Sandy laughed.

Ryan passed Sandy his controller as his man burst into flames, crashing into a car. "I'm out. I'll play winner."

* * *

Ryan's eye bothered Kirsten. It was black and swollen almost closed. She stopped him in the kitchen as he was loading the dishwasher after dinner. 

"Hey," he said, not looking in her eyes.

"Talk to me. Let's take a walk."

He accepted her hand and they walked outside. To the beach.

"I'm sorry…" he started.

"That's not what I want to hear," she replied.

He stared out at the waves. "I can't explain it. It's complicated."

"Try," she whispered.

Ryan's face twisted as he tried to find his voice. "Chip was making fun of this guy, Donny…Donny's cool, he's like, a geek, he lives and breathes comics and anime, but he's smart as hell…and it pissed me off…it's like, I got this vision of Seth as a freshman, getting beat up and teased and…and I snapped. I shut down…I wanted to hurt Chip…"

Kirsten pulled him into a hug, stroking his hair. He was always so tense, always so strong but it was killing him, she was watching him fade away.

"Then I saw Lindsay's face…and I saw Summer…and I had blood on my hands and…I'm so sorry, Kirsten…I told Sandy that…I'll go see somebody because…I don't know what I'm doing anymore…" he whispered.

"Ryan, you'll be okay. Sandy and me, we're here for you, we'll help you, nothing's wrong with you…" she said.

He pulled away. He wasn't crying but his eyes were pale with grief.

His eyes mirrored her soul.

Before she lost Seth…she'd never known how much Ryan was a part of Seth. Ryan and Seth were…soulmates. Kindred.

She saw Seth in Ryan.

Ryan was her son. In the short time Seth and Ryan had known each other, they'd bonded in a way that made them brothers.

She knew that Seth would live on through Ryan.

"Ryan, you're safe here. This is your home. Where we are. You can be angry here or sad or happy…you can be y0urself here. This is home, this is where you don't have to pretend, you don't have to wear a mask or hide to protect anyone…look at me."

He met her gaze.

"Come inside and lie down. Have you been sleeping?" She didn't want to dissect his words to her, she wanted to be his mother. She wasn't taking care of him, he wasn't letting her.

He shook his head. "I…I can't."

"You can't go on like this," she admitted, leading him back toward the house. "You have to get some rest."

"I will. I promise," he replied. "Tonight."

"I want you to go lie down now, Ryan. I'll be in to check on you in a little while. Okay?"

He nodded reluctantly.

* * *

The next morning, Kirsten couldn't get out of her car. She'd been stuck in traffic for an hour and bored, she'd pulled a cd off the visor and put it into the stereo. 

One of Seth's cds.

And she'd listened to it twice since she parked in the lot.

She barely registered her phone ringing. She answered it automatically.

"Kirsten?" Ryan's voice was soft in her ear.

"What's wrong, honey?"

"Caleb called. Where are you? Everything okay?"

She glanced around. It was 10 am. 3 hours since she left the house.

"Kirsten?"

"I'm still in the car. I don't want to go in."

She didn't want to go to work. How could she be working when Seth was dead? He was in the ground, cold and dead and…

"You're at work? Can I come see you?"

"No, Ryan, I'm fine…"

"Okay. I believe you. I'll be there soon."

She listened to the dial tone but the melodic chords of Seth's mixed CD distracted her.

She loved Seth as a son.

But she didn't think she knew him. Not as a person.

Reading the books from his 'archive', seeing the things that had meant most to him…

She had no idea.

Seth was vibrant and clever and caring. And dead.

She listened to the song. She wouldn't work today. She had to get to know her son.

She barely registered the knocking on the window.

Sandy. She opened the door.

"Hey. You okay?" Sandy asked, embracing her immediately.

Ryan was standing behind Sandy, visibly worried.

"Yeah. I just…I can't work today."

"Can we take you home?" Ryan asked.

She accepted Sandy's hand. She climbed into the backseat of Ryan's hummer.

"You don't have to say anything…as long as you're okay," Sandy said.

"I put one of Seth's cds in accidentally and…"

Sandy put his arm around her as Ryan pulled out of the parking lot

"I miss him so much…" she whispered, burying her face in Sandy's shoulder.

* * *

Ryan sat down on the bed and expected Lindsay to sit down beside him, but she stood anxiously in front of him, wringing her hands. It'd been two days since the fight at school and this was the first time she'd been by in person. 

"Lindsay?"

"Don't interrupt me, okay?"

He was startled by her harsh tone. He nodded.

"God…it's like I don't know you…" Lindsay whispered, shaking her head, obviously upset.

Ryan didn't respond but her words hurt him. He cared about Lindsay…a lot.

"I didn't mean it like that, this is coming out all wrong…"

He didn't correct her. It was wrong. She was more upset than he'd expected.

"Ryan…" she said, her eyes searching his face. He wouldn't look in her eyes. He couldn't…he'd lose his control if he looked at her.

"Ryan, I'm so sorry…you're one of the best people I've ever known…but seeing you beating up that guy…you…you have so much anger inside and you scared me…"

"I'd never hurt you…" he whispered honestly.

"I know, Ryan…but…I can't…I don't think I can be with you, like, you don't talk to me and I don't know what you've been through or what makes you so capable of violence…"

Ryan choked on his breath, shaking his head. He put his hands to his face, standing up and walking to the window. In Chino, this would be considered an alternate universe. He wasn't considered violent in Chino.

It was proof that he'd changed. Violence had no place near Lindsay. Near Seth. Going after Chip wasn't for Seth's sake…it was just contributing to the cycle of pain.

"Ryan, don't, please, I love you, but…"

"But stop," he said suddenly, turning to face her.

He was an Atwood. He was cold. He was stone. Nothing would ever touch him.

Fuck Newport, he was stronger.

"You're Kirsten's sister. Caleb Nichol's daughter. You will always be a part of my life. But. You should go."

"Ryan…"

"It's okay, I understand. This is a mutual, amicable break-up," he said evenly, holding her gaze now as he said the words.

"It doesn't have to be…" she stammered, tears streaming down her face. "To be like this…"

"You didn't come here to talk to me, Lindsay, to give me a chance to explain myself or to tell me how I could change your mind, you came here to tell me that you can't be with me anymore, you've already made up your mind," he stated calmly and levelly. He darted his eyes to the door, trying to give her the hint.

She didn't leave, instead, she reached for him. Where her fingers grasped his wrist, he pulled away.

She burned him. He had to let her go or she'd burn him forever.

"Go. Just go, Lindsay."

She rushed from the room and for the first time since he was six, he slammed his bedroom door, locking it.

He let himself sink to his knees. He was alone.

* * *


	10. Nine

"You think he's okay down there?" Sandy asked. He was upstairs with Kirsten when they'd heard the door slam.

It was more noise than they were used to in the new house and they were both immediately alert.

After Kirsten's slight breakdown the previous morning, they hadn't left the house. She'd stayed in bed, sleeping and eating ice cream and sweets that Ryan would bring her and he'd stayed close by her side.

Kirsten was strong but it seemed to him that her stamina was less now. She couldn't take as much stress now that she'd lost Seth. She was delicate now.

And Sandy didn't know what was going on with Ryan. The boy was a true enigma to him. After the fight at school, Sandy had thought that Ryan was breaking down, too, that he was ready to grieve and get help.

But even though Ryan had been to his first therapy session without complaint and he'd been waiting on them hand and foot since they were both home, the kid wasn't better. The therapist had called Sandy earlier today and said that despite Ryan's lack of protest, he barely spoke to her during their session. She wanted to see him three times a week until she could get through to him.

The therapist said that Ryan was dangerously depressed. She said he needed medication.

Sandy hadn't told Kirsten yet, he'd been waiting to talk to Ryan.

But when he'd seen Lindsay's car pull in around lunchtime, he'd decided to give the kid some space. Lindsay was good for Ryan, she'd really pulled him through Seth's service and had been there for him over the past few weeks. She'd been there for them all.

"Is Lindsay…" Kirsten started.

"I heard her car leave," Sandy replied.

"Let's go check on him. I need to get out of bed…" she said, determined.

"Why don't you stay here while I test the waters? I'll be right back," Sandy promised, kissing her before getting to his feet.

"Okay. I'm still coming down, though. I have to snap out of this," Kirsten said, standing up and following him down the stairs. "I'll be in the kitchen."

Sandy knocked softly on Ryan's room. The door had slammed only a few minutes earlier and Sandy wondered if he should wait longer, but he stopped himself. He couldn't keep second-guessing his parental choices. The kid had slammed the door loud enough to shake the windows and it was any parent's duty to investigate.

After a long moment, the door swung open. Sandy knew immediately that something was wrong. He hadn't seen Ryan look like this…he'd never seen Ryan look like this.

"What happened?" Sandy asked.

"I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry for slamming the door," Ryan stated in a low voice. His eyes were dead and cold.

Sandy stepped into the room and closed the door. He had to do something about this now, before it got more out of control. He turned to face Ryan. "Sit down."

"Sandy, I…"

"I know you don't want to talk about it. But you have to. Talk to me. You've always trusted me, you've always talked to me and I need you to talk to me now. What happened?" Sandy urged.

"She…" he whispered, turning his back on Sandy. "We decided not to see each other anymore."

"Oh, Ryan…" Sandy was surprised. He hadn't expected them to break up, he thought they were doing so well…

"I scared her. She says she doesn't know me, doesn't know why I'm so angry, doesn't know how I could hurt someone else like that…" he muttered, not turning around.

"Ryan. Sit down…"

"I don't want to talk about it, Sandy. I just need…some time."

"No, you need to deal with this and stop pushing your emotions under the surface. Sit down…just for a few minutes…" Sandy took Ryan's arm and turned him to face him. Ryan sat down on the bed and immediately leaned forward to cradle his head in his hands.

"I…I fucked up. I get that. There's nothing to be done…I just have to mark another fuck-up on my scorecard and keep moving…" Ryan whispered.

"Ryan, kid…did you talk to her? Try to explain what you were feeling?"

"What I was feeling? God, Sandy…I can't…I can't explain what I'm feeling because I don't fucking know anymore…in Chino, fighting was just another form of expression, people pissed you off, you punched them, no hard feelings, just getting the point across, simple…and here, it's like, all anyone wants to do is talk, but…they're just words, they don't mean anything, nobody's going to know how I feel if I tell them because they're not me, they're not inside my head and I can't…I…"

"Ryan. Slow down…" Sandy whispered.

"I need to get out of here. Clear my head. I know I'm grounded, but I need…I need to be by myself. I need to figure out what I need to do," Ryan said, regaining his composure and sitting up, turning to face Sandy.

"Ryan. You just went from really upset to indifferent in about five seconds. That's not a normal response and I'm not comfortable letting you go anywhere right now. I need to know that you're okay and…I don't recognize you right now, Ryan…"

"You don't recognize me?" Ryan whispered, his eyes flashing with hurt.

"I don't recognize this look in your eyes. I don't recognize this voice you're speaking with…now, I know you, Ryan…as much as you let anyone _know_ you…and what I'm saying is that you aren't yourself…"

"I don't know who I am anymore, Sandy…who I'm supposed to be…In Chino, I was Trey's little brother, and I never really had an identity of my own and here, me and Seth…" Ryan shook his head. "I don't know who I am without Seth…without Lindsay…I just…I need to get out of here," Ryan said, standing up again.

"No. You can't run…"

"I just need to think…"

"Why can't you think here?" Sandy asked, trying to keep Ryan talking.

"Because…" He ran his hands through his hair. "Because I can't think…god…"

"Ryan. You're too stressed out. I don't know what to do for you…" Sandy admitted.

"Give me some time, Sandy…I promise I won't do anything stupid, just…"

"I don't want you driving by yourself. I don't want anything to happen to you…I know you're hurting and you're confused and you don't know how to talk about it, but…I worry about you…" Sandy said, standing up and walking over to him. He put his hands on Ryan's shoulders. "I am here for you."

"I know. And I know I couldn't do this without you and Kirsten…but I feel like I'm coming to pieces…and I've never felt this way before…" Ryan whispered, desperation apparent in his flashing eyes.

"Okay. Let's do this…let's take a walk, no talking, just a walk, okay? You can catch your breath and once you're feeling better and you're breathing normal again, we'll see if you still need to be alone…can you do that? Will you take a walk with me?" Sandy asked.

Ryan finally nodded. "No talking?"

"No talking, kid, come on…" Sandy said, trying to think of how he could get this kid to open up to him. He'd already said more than Sandy had expected, more than Sandy could process but he had to do something to calm Ryan down.

* * *

Summer found Lindsay sobbing by her car in the parking lot, her keys abandoned on the pavement in front of her.

"Lindsay? What's wrong?"

"Oh god…not you, too…" Lindsay choked. "I know I messed up…"

"What are you talking about?" Summer asked, pulling her into an embrace automatically. Let the girls keep saying she was gone soft, she didn't care. Lindsay had been there for her and Ryan, she was a friend. A real friend, not like Holly and those sluts that had been trying to 'help her during her loss' when they hadn't been there for her when Seth was alive.

"You're going to hate me, too…"

"Lindsay, what's wrong with you? What's happened? Is it Ryan, is he okay?" Summer asked. It had to be Ryan if Lindsay was this upset.

"I…" Lindsay pulled out of her arms and wiped her eyes, composing herself as best she could. "God, Summer, I messed everything up, I upset Ryan, I didn't mean…"

"Have you talked to him? When did you talk to him?" Summer asked.

"I went by at lunch…I don't make decisions lightly, Summer, I've been thinking about our relationship ever since the fight the other day and I went over, I wanted to talk to him, but he's…he's so hurt now, and he hates me and…"

"Okay, Lindsay, so you went to talk to him about the fight?" Summer was trying to get the girl to just spit out what had made her so upset. It was times like this that she really missed Marissa, that girl could always get her issues out in twenty seconds or less.

"He scared me, Summer…he was so angry, so mean…"

"Ryan's got some anger control issues, but Chip totally had it coming, Lindsay, and Ryan, he knows that it was a mistake…" Summer started.

"I know, but…I've never seen him like that. I've never seen someone just…snap. And Ryan snapped. I just kept replaying everything in my head and I realized that…I really care about him, Summer…but I don't know him. I don't know Ryan at all…"

Something clicked in Summer's brain. "You broke up with him because he got in a fight? You know how hard a time he's been having, Lindsay…"

"I didn't intend to break up with him, I just wanted some time, some time to think about things, to get to know him better, to find out what happened that makes him so violent…" Lindsay sniffled.

"Chino's not violent. He's protective. He would never hurt anyone without a good reason…he'd never hurt you, Lindsay," Summer said, calmly, her mind working a mile a second now.

"I know, Summer…but when I tried to talk to him, he told me to leave, he just shut down and I knew…I lost him, Summer…I really lost him…and I don't want to lose him…" Lindsay whispered.

Summer nodded but she didn't say anything. She considered Lindsay a friend, but she couldn't fathom how the girl could do something like this to Ryan. Over something so stupid. Sure, he'd gotten into a fight, but that's what Chino did, he wasn't afraid to get hurt or to hurt people that hurt his friends.

"Summer…I don't know what to do…"

"Give him some space, Lindsay. He…I don't know if he'll forgive you, though…" she said honestly.

"Do you think he hates me?" Lindsay asked.

"I don't think he hates you, Lindsay…he really cares about you…that's why I think this is probably tearing him up," Summer admitted.

"I know…do you understand why I had to do it?"

"It's Ryan. So, no, I don't understand. I've seen Ryan fight, I've seen him get the hell beat out of him…but I don't think it makes him a bad person. We don't know what his life was like growing up, we don't know what he went through, shit, Seth didn't even know…but Ryan's a good person. I can't believe that you'd ever doubt that…" Summer said. She bent down and picked up Lindsay's keys, holding them out. "Go home. Get some sleep."

"I should go talk to him…"

"No. I think you've done enough for today."

Lindsay nodded, taking the keys. "I'll see you tomorrow, Summer…"

"Sure, Lindsay." Summer turned and walked away.

Stupid Lindsay. Chino didn't need this. She needed to see him, to make sure he was okay. God knows he'd held her while she cried enough lately that she owed him.

She needed a plan. Her car automatically steered itself toward the Cohen's house.

Chino didn't communicate like normal people. Seth knew his language and she'd been trying to learn it but she couldn't read him.

All she knew was that he really cared about Lindsay. And this was going to knock him for a loop. He needed people around him, not people that judged him, but people that cared about him.

She cared about him. He'd saved her, he'd taken care of her. She considered him…a friend. A good friend. Almost like a brother. He was even protective of her like a brother, always walking up when someone would flirt with her and questioning her when she looked downcast.

As she pulled into the long winding driveway that led to the Cohens, she was surprised to see all their cars there.

Kirsten opened the door and smiled at her. "Hi, Summer. Everything okay?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing," Summer replied. "You didn't go to work today?"

"I had a bad day yesterday. Sort of carried over into today. Did something happen between Ryan and Lindsay? Sandy took him for a walk on the beach hours ago and…" Kirsten immediately shrugged off her own drama and zeroed in on why Summer was here.

"They had a fight. Seems to be pretty bad…" Summer admitted, following Kirsten into the den.

"Oh no. He said she was pretty upset about the fight…"

"I don't get her. I mean…I sort of do…but she shouldn't do this to him right now. If she wasn't comfortable with his 'violence', then she shouldn't have started dating him in the first place," Summer replied.

"Did you see the fight?" Kirsten asked as they sat down.

"Yeah. The teachers went running and I followed them, you know, mob mentality, had to see what was going on," Summer replied.

Kirsten nodded, but Summer could tell that there were more words she needed to say.

"What?"

"I don't approve of Ryan fighting. And I don't think I've ever seen him do it first-hand, if I don't count the time I got him out of juvie…but I have to admit, that I don't know what I'd do if I ever saw him get like that. I can't even watch gory movies and to imagine how hard that boy had to hit Ryan to make his face bruise like this…It bothers me," Kirsten admitted. "I don't love Ryan any less, but I don't understand how he can hurt people when he knows what it's like to be hurt."

"Ryan…he didn't grow up like us. I think, to him…pain's a normal part of life. Physical pain, anyway…he can deal with it, it's familiar to him, it's the emotional pain that he can't handle…" Summer said. "Seeing him fight with Chip…it was like, cathartic, for him. He could release all that pain that he's holding inside. Where you and I might go on a shopping binge, Ryan…he doesn't have any sort of release."

"So, you think it's okay that he got in the fight?"

"No, Kirsten…I'm saying that I think he's hurting and he's not talking to anyone and he needs an outlet. He's…quiet."

Kirsten nodded. "I know. He started seeing a therapist but he's only been once and she…she's worried about him, too."

They heard the door in the kitchen close and after a moment, Sandy walked in. "Hi, ladies," he said.

"Hey. You were gone a while," Kirsten said, standing up and kissing his cheek.

"Ryan's in his room, Summer," Sandy sighed. "Good luck getting him to talk."

"You were gone that long and he didn't say anything?" Kirsten asked.

"He needed quiet. He seems calmer now. But he's still Ryan. He hates to talk," Sandy replied.

"I'll check on him," Summer promised. She hurried to Ryan's room and didn't knock, simply walking inside.

Ryan was standing by his bed.

"Chino. You okay?"

He shook his head solemnly.

She knew he hated hugs, but she didn't know what else to do. She stepped over to him and wrapped her arms around him.

* * *


	11. Ten

_AN: Lyrics belong to the Cure. Small update, consider this an interlude, it's all from Ryan's POV. Thanks to those of you still following. _

_

* * *

_

_"…Say it's the same sun spinning in the same sky  
Say it's the same stars streaming in the same night  
Tell me it's the same world whirling through the same space  
Tell me it's the same time tripping through the same day  
So say it's the same house and nothing in the house has changed  
Yeah say it's the same room and nothing in the room is strange  
Oh tell me it's the same boy burning in the same bed  
Tell me it's the same blood breaking in the same head…"_

Ryan dreamed every night now.

He'd never remembered his dreams in the past, but after the fire, they were vivid.

He could smell the smoke. Sometimes he woke up out of breath. Ashes in his hair. Watering eyes.

He'd taken pills, he'd even tried vodka shots before bed, but nothing could keep the vision of Seth's lifeless body in the driveway. He'd carried Seth's dead body out of the fire.

He'd failed him. He'd let Seth die.

And his punishment was that he had to relive it every night. He had to see Seth's dead face staring up at him.

At least he wasn't crying out anymore. As far as he knew, Kirsten and Sandy didn't know that he couldn't sleep. Sure, they suspected, but he was quiet.

He got out of bed, knowing that he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep and curled up on the window seat.

He could see the beach. The white cresting waves and the lights of the boats on the horizon.

Lindsay didn't want to be with him anymore.

But he still had Sandy and Kirsten. They were still unwavering in their support of him. They wouldn't be able to handle it if he did anything stupid. And he wouldn't be able to do anything without them.

He felt like a shell of his former self. _Without Seth, in __Newport_ It should be the title of the next chapter in his life.

But the title alone displayed how lonely and hard it was going to be. Without Seth.

"Ryan? Are you up?" Kirsten's voice was hesitant from the doorway.

"Yeah, is everything…" he started.

"Can I sit with you?" she asked.

As if he would ever turn her down. He nodded and she walked over and stood beside him.

"You have nightmares."

"No, I…"

She met his gaze.

"Yeah. I do," he whispered.

"I do, too. But they're not really nightmares…" she started softly. "I just…I see Seth. Laughing. I see him taking his first step. I see him playing in the sandbox. I see him getting his driver's license…and then I wake up."

Ryan didn't know what to say. He reached out and took her hand.

"What do you dream about?"

"I don't dream about Seth like that. I dream about him…after. I dream about the fire…" he murmured. "I always dream about the fire…"

"I guess I shouldn't complain about my dreams…" she said with a sad smile. "Come on. Let's get something to snack on. You're thin."

"I'm not thin," he protested, letting her lead him from the dark room into the kitchen.

Sandy was standing in the opened freezer and visibly jumped in alarm when they entered. "God, you scared me…ice cream?" He held out a box of ice cream that his spoon was already sticking out of.

"You're up, too?" Kirsten asked.

"I haven't been able to sleep alone in years, honey, you know that. What's up, kid?" Sandy asked, offering Ryan his favorite flavor of ice cream.

Ryan took the box of mint chocolate chip and sat down by the window with a shrug.

"Ryan has bad dreams, too," Kirsten answered for him, putting an arm around Sandy.

"Well, when Seth was little, he'd have the worst nightmares, those damned comics I always said, but we figured out that if we let him get out of bed and wound down that he'd fall right back asleep," Sandy said.

"How'd you wind down little Seth?" Ryan asked. He couldn't even imagine hyperactive-Seth as a child.

"It wasn't easy, believe me," Kirsten smiled. "I think he had some secret stash of caffeine as a kid, he was manic, he always kept us busy."

"Usually we'd just take him for a walk around the house, showing him that there were no monsters, making sure he knew how the security system worked, stuff like that," Sandy replied.

"You're a little big for that, Ryan. But we can offer ice cream," Kirsten said. "And we're here if you need to talk."

"Thanks. I know." Ryan returned his attention to the ice cream.

"You want to see what's on the television?" Sandy asked Kirsten.

"I'm not really that tired right now. Sure. Maybe we can catch some _Kids in the Hall_ reruns," Kirsten replied. She patted Ryan on the back before they left him alone.

They were trying to give him space. But not too much. They didn't want him to think that he was all alone.

But he was all alone.

Kirsten and Sandy couldn't go to school with him. They couldn't talk him down when those fucking Newport brats tossed insults his way. They couldn't hold his hand every time he saw Seth's dead face, felt the weight of his dead body in his arms.

They couldn't make this better.

_Yeah, tell me it's all the same  
This is how it's always been  
But if nothing has changed...  
Then it must mean..._

Ryan liked surfing.

Sandy kept saying he was a natural, but it wasn't true.

Ryan had to concentrate. Keeping his balance, timing his move, watching the waves.

It was tough.

It was therapeutic, though. He didn't have to think about Seth. About the fire. About the pit of revulsion inside himself.

He just had to focus on catching the next wave.

Sandy's voice was always close by. Yelling tips across the roar of the ocean. Washing up beside him after he'd wipe out.

Kirsten came with them sometimes, but today she wanted to go back to work. She said she needed to prove to herself and Caleb that she could still do her job.

He respected her for it. He'd tried school and it'd been too soon. If she could work, then she should work.

"You ready to pack it in?" Sandy called from the beach.

He was getting cold despite the wetsuit. As much as he liked surfing, the swimming was just as freeing. He let the board trail behind him as he swam to shore. Sandy hated the way he did that, said he should always surf in and not strain himself dragging the board behind him, but Ryan didn't mind the extra strain.

He liked the ocean now.

He'd swallowed so much water in his first lesson that he'd learned how to be careful.

"You looked good out there, kid. You get better every day," Sandy smiled as they carried their boards up the beach to their house.

"Thanks. This was good. Stress relief and everything," Ryan nodded.

"I'm glad. I'm going to go into the office for a while, are you going to be okay here?" Sandy asked.

"Yeah. I think I might go to that gym Summer was telling me about. More stress relief. And I'm meeting with the shrink again, I figured I'd go straight there after the gym."

Sandy nodded. "Sounds like your day is pretty filled…"

"And Dr. Kim emailed me a bunch of homework so I won't fall behind," Ryan added.

"How about lunch? You want to come down to the pier and have lunch? Kirsten has a business meeting and I'm going to be tired of filing by lunchtime," Sandy said.

"Sure. I can do that. You just want to see me after therapy," Ryan replied.

"Maybe. You promised you'd talk to her this time. I want to hold you to that," Sandy said, unlocking the door and leading him inside after they'd put their boards away.

"I'll try, Sandy."

"Good. We'll get through this, kid, it's just going to take time. I'll see you for lunch," Sandy winked, hurrying upstairs to change.

Ryan went to the refrigerator and poured himself a glass of juice.

They didn't put cranberry juice in the fridge anymore.

Kirsten had her Evian and Sandy had his Capri Suns and Ryan had his orange juice. But there was no cranberry juice anywhere in the house.

He'd even looked for it.

He couldn't stand the stuff, but Seth had drank it like it was his life's elixir.

Ryan wondered if he'd ever be able to go through his day without feeling the lack of Seth. Or would every day just be an inventory of what he was missing.

_But the sun is cold - the sky is wrong  
The stars are black - the night is gone  
The world is still - the space is stopped  
The time is out - the day is dropped  
The house is dark - the room is scarred  
The boy is stiff - the bed is hard  
The blood is thick - the head is burst_

"I think you need medication, Ryan. Even if it's only for a short time…I'm worried about you, about your self-image…your depression…"

"You don't even know me, how could you know anything about my self image?"

"I don't know anything because you won't tell me anything," the doctor retorted.

Ryan clenched his fists and tried to take a deep breath.

He had talked this time. He'd filled the whole fucking hour with words. He'd talked about how sad he was, how much it hurt him to see the Cohens in pain and knowing that he couldn't do anything about it. He'd talked about Summer and how she'd come crying to him when something reminded her of Seth. He'd told her about the fight at school and how his girlfriend had dumped him. He'd talked, he'd done what he was supposed to do and the bitch still wanted to medicate him.

Dope him up so he couldn't feel anything.

So he'd forget about Seth, so he'd move on with his life and forget about where he came from and how he got here. So he'd be all soft and easy-going and forget about all the shitty things that were inevitable. So he'd have to depend on a fucking chemical to make himself feel normal.

"Ryan. Don't shut down on me now…"

"Shut down?" he raised his voice for the first time as he stood up.

He'd spent three hours beating the hell out of a punching bag and running laps to get ready for this goddamned appointment, to get ready to bare his soul to this…bitch. But he was done now.

Sandy and Kirsten would have to get over it, he'd think of something else because he was done. "I'm done," he said out loud.

"Ryan, wait, sit down…"

"No. You had your chance. First visit, I didn't open up. Second visit, I open up. Same results both times. I'm done." He turned and walked out of the office as fast as his feet would take him.

Stupid doctors, stupid shrink.

She hadn't done anything but listen and probe him to talk, she hadn't told him anything that would be useful except that he needed medication.

Bullshit.

He'd started his Hummer but hesitated in the parking lot. He had to meet Sandy.

What was Sandy going to say?

What the hell was he going to tell Sandy? That the doctor was a bitch, that she had eyes like Julie Cooper, predatory? That wasn't true, she was just a doctor, she was getting paid to fix him.

He should have held his temper.

He shouldn't have stormed out.

Sandy and Kirsten didn't need this drama right now. They didn't need to know that he couldn't even go to a therapist without losing his cool. He'd already been put out of school because he couldn't deal and now he was quitting therapy…

This was not going to fly with the Cohens.

His phone rang. He answered it before he could even remember that he was too mad to talk.

"Ryan? It's Sandy, are you still coming for lunch?"

"Um, yeah. I'm almost there," Ryan said, turning the Hummer onto the street from the parking lot.

"Everything all right?"

"I guess. I'll tell you when I get there. Are we going out or staying in?" Ryan sighed.

"I've already ordered for us, just come to the office."

Ryan drove the speed limit for the next few blocks, needing the time to think of what to say to Sandy.

But it didn't help.

He had to tell Sandy the truth. He owed him.

He parked the Hummer and walked up the walk to Sandy's office.

Sandy swung the door open immediately. "Come in, kid. Sit down."

"I cussed out the shrink," Ryan said flatly, not touching the bag of food Sandy set in front of him.

"Oh. Open your food," Sandy said. Ryan couldn't read his mood. Sandy was just watching him.

Ryan pulled out the carton of fries and the burger.

"What happened?"

"I talked to her, Sandy, just like I promised…she still wants to put me on medication and I flipped. I don't need medication."

Sandy was looking at him.

"I don't need medication. I just need time," he said. He was talking too much. He was still shaken. He had to chill.

"Okay, kid," Sandy nodded, his mood still unreadable.

"You…" Ryan started.

"Eat. It's just us," Sandy urged.

Ryan took a fry and chewed it. He needed to know what Sandy thought. He didn't think Sandy was disappointed and even though he knew he was worried, he'd always been honest and given Ryan good advice.

"You're not going to take medication if you don't want to, Ryan. We won't force you. The medication isn't going to help you if you're so opposed to taking them. They'll hang over you and you won't trust your own moods."

"My moods?"

Sandy smiled. "You have moods. You try not to show them but you have them. And since…since we lost Seth, you've had the same one. Depressed. I can't really fault you for that, I'm depressed, too. Seth's…he's dead and it's always going to hurt. But…we can't die with him."

"I…"

"You're a smart kid. I trust your judgment. But I don't know if you're seeing what I see."

"What do you see?" Ryan asked.

"That you're not moving on. You're going through the motions. You feel guilty for being alive when Seth's not. That's what I see. And I don't see that you're getting better, Ryan."

"I'm trying…" Ryan whispered.

"I know. How about a different doctor?"

"Do you think I should take the pills?" Ryan countered.

"What do you think?" Sandy asked.

"I…I don't want to. I…I'll…I don't know." Ryan didn't know anything anymore.

"How about a second opinion?"

"Another doctor…" Ryan sighed.

"No. Kirsten."

"I don't want to upset her."

Sandy's phone buzzed.

"Answer it. I'm eating," Ryan said.

Sandy picked up the phone. "Sandy Cohen." His gaze flickered to Ryan. "It's okay, doctor, he's here with me."

Ryan took a bite of his burger, lowering his gaze.

"He's okay. We're having lunch and going over things…I'll ask. I'll call you later, thanks," Sandy said after a long pause, closing his phone.

"What did she say?"

"She wanted to know if I'd bring you back in. She wants to talk to you with me there," Sandy replied.

"Okay," Ryan whispered.

"If you don't like her…"

"I don't like anyone, Sandy," Ryan admitted. Sandy laughed.

"What do you want to do?" Sandy asked.

Ryan was silent.

He needed to think.

But his mind was blank.

He didn't know what to do. "Do you trust her? The doctor?"

"Yes. Kirsten went to see her after her mother died. But that doesn't mean that I take her word as law."

Ryan took another bite of his burger.

"Kid?"

"I'll come with you," Ryan agreed.

"You sure?" Sandy questioned.

"Yeah. I'll come. I'll keep my cool," Ryan nodded.

They finished their lunch, Sandy keeping the mood light with an entertaining story about his new case, a woman suing for faulty botox injections.

The doctor escorted them into her office as soon as they arrived.

"Mr. Cohen. Ryan. Thank you for coming."

He sat down on the couch and Sandy sat down beside him.

"I'm sorry I upset you, Ryan. I had no idea that the concept of medication would agitate you so much. You told me a lot today and I know that was hard for you," the doctor said.

Ryan nodded, acknowledging her apology.

"I feel like I need to clarify something with you, Ryan. When I said that you weren't telling me anything, I didn't mean that you weren't talking enough. I'm sorry. Everything you've told me had been about the past two years, Ryan."

"Ryan?" Sandy urged.

"What does my past matter?"

"Ryan," Sandy repeated, quieter.

Ryan sighed and met the doctor's gaze. "My mom's a junkie."

"He's not comfortable with drugs," Sandy said, patting his knee reassuringly.

"Okay. Ryan, that changes everything…if I'd known that I would have never mentioned medications to you," she said quietly.

"I live here now. I left all that behind," Ryan stated.

"But what happened to you…there, it affects who you are. You've only known me a couple of years, you were already a man when I met you," Sandy said urgently.

Ryan closed his eyes.

Seth was dead. Gone. Nonexistent.

It was back to him. Ryan before Seth.

He didn't even want to remember himself before Seth.

"Ryan?" Sandy called.

"Sorry."

"You've had a long day. Go home, get some rest. I'll call you tomorrow with some ideas not concerning medications. If you agree…"

"Okay. I'm sorry about earlier," Ryan admitted.

"You're allowed to yell at me. And curse at me and be honest with me. I'm here so you don't yell at your dad there," the doctor said.

"Ryan doesn't yell at us," Sandy said, patting Ryan on the back fondly. Ryan appreciated his support. Sandy was sticking by him and had made it clear that he'd support Ryan in whatever he decided.

"Will you talk to me tomorrow?" she asked Ryan.

"I'll be home all day," Ryan nodded. He had a lot of thinking to do.


	12. Eleven

"Honey?" Sandy called when he walked in. Ryan was trailing behind him, having paused to study a flaw in his Hummer.

"In the kitchen!" Kirsten answered.

He found her sitting on the counter eating ice cream from the carton. "Rough day at work?"

"Nope. Just hungry. You'll still love me if I'm fat," she smiled, kissing him once he'd hopped up on the counter with her. "How was your day?"

"Reasonably uneventful. Ryan came for lunch."

"How's he doing?" she asked in a quiet voice.

"He lost it on the shrink so we went back together," he answered.

Ryan appeared for a moment. "I'm going to make a couple of phone calls. I'll be in my room."

They watched him retreat into his bedroom.

"Let's go out tonight, Sandy."

He was surprised. They hadn't gone out since the fire. Since Seth. "Really?"

She nodded. "Yes. We could use some time alone."

"And you're okay with leaving Ryan?"

"Yes. I trust him," she said, but only after a moment's hesitation.

Sandy studied her. She'd been obsessively protective of Ryan and had only recently settled for Ryan to be in separate rooms when they were all in the house. "He put you up to this, didn't he?"

"He…He's as worried about us as we are about him," she replied, taking his hand.

He loved her. He always had. Since the moment he met her, he'd been enthralled.

She was the best wife, the best mother. She was his partner.

"Where should we go?" he asked.

"I reserved us a suite at the Hilton. How about we order room service and…"

"Enough said. Did you pack our bags?"

"Yep. In the car already," she smirked. "Go change and I'll say our goodbye to Ryan."

* * *

Ryan was asleep on the couch in his boxers when Summer used her key to get in. His feet were propped on the coffee table and his mouth was open with his head leaned back, blissfully asleep.

She'd had a long day.

She couldn't keep her happy face on anymore.

She couldn't really pinpoint when the girls at school became such immature idiots.

She didn't have to pretend to be normal at Ryan's. Even though the boy was undeniably depressed, he always seemed to cheer her up.

The door was locked and he didn't answer when she knocked so she let herself in.

"Chino."

He jolted away and she would have felt bad but he had such a hilarious look on his face that she laughed.

"Summer…hey, I wasn't expecting you."

"That's the reason for the lack of clothes?" she teased.

He blushed, standing up. "Give me a minute…" he said, disappearing.

She sat down in his vacated seat, settling into the warm spot after kicking off her shoes and curling her feet underneath her.

School was exhausting. Without Marissa, who was suspiciously chipper in her phone calls from rehab or Ryan; her days were filled with Holly and Brooke's empty babble. Lindsay was still avoiding her and Zach's polite concern just grated her nerves.

"Let's try this again. Come in, Summer," Ryan said, walking in dressed in jeans and a wifebeater. "Thanks for knocking…"

"I did knock, you just didn't answer. Where's Sandy and Kirsten?"

He sat down beside her on the couch, adjusting the pillows so he could sit comfortably. "Out. Needed some alone time."

"Ah. Your idea?"

"A little." He tilted his head. "I'm not nuts, am I? I mean, they do hover, don't they?"

"Yeah. It's a nice hover, but it's still a hover."

"I figured they could focus on each other a little and stop stressing about me. How are you, by the way?" he asked.

"I hate school. You're a lucky bitch for taking a leave. You think if I beat the fuck out of Chip that I could hang out all day at home?" she teased.

"You want to see my shrink for me?" he countered.

She scoffed. "So. What's on the agenda?"

"I was going to sit around in my boxers and watch ESPN," he shrugged.

"You do that all the time," she snorted.

"Excuse me? Sports are like porn here, I have to watch them after the Cohens are gone to bed, in the dark," he joked.

"Let's go out. You haven't been out in forever."

"Out? What's your idea of out?"

Summer knew that she was onto something. She hadn't been out in forever either but if it was just Ryan then maybe…maybe it would be easier for her to assimilate back into the society of the living.

"See, Seth's idea of 'out' was an IMAX movie or a comic convention, and Marissa's idea of 'out' was a bottle of painkillers in Tijuana and the only time I've been 'out' at your request, we ended up at a strip club in LA."

"Shut it," she laughed, shoving him. "Let's go…" she tapped her fingers on her knee absently as she tried to think of a reasonable destination. "Let's go to Santa Monica. It's all lit up and it's like a carnival all night."

"Santa Monica…" Ryan mused.

"Have you ever been?"

"When I was a kid. My grandpa drove us down from Fresno for a weekend," he answered.

"You have a grandpa?"

"He's dead now. Mom and Dad got locked up for some domestic dispute and they both had drugs on them so Grandpa took us to the boardwalk to distract us," Ryan replied.

"Should we pick somewhere else?" she asked.

"No, actually…that sounds like fun. You really want to go out?"

"Yeah. Let's try something different. You can do without your ESPN fix for one night, can't you?" she teased.

"Yeah. I'll get changed and…"

"Shut up, Chino, you're wearing your most comfortable clothes now anyway, just grab some shoes and a jacket and let's get a move on. How's your Hummer on gas?"

"Don't ask," Ryan laughed.

* * *

Kirsten was cuddled in the rumpled bed with her husband and it was the first time she'd felt truly happy since the death of her son. The room service cart was still by the door, untouched, they had gotten distracted by their other hunger.

"I missed you. Even though I see you every day…I still miss you. I miss us. This was a good idea," Sandy said, kissing her shoulder.

"I love you, Sandy. And this was a good idea."

"Wish I had thought of it," he smiled.

"Me, too."

"So, the kid really suggested this?"

"Yep. Said he was worried about us, that we never spend any time alone because we're worried about him," she admitted. "Cornered me this morning when I asked him about his sleeping habits."

"He's a good kid."

"Why'd he snap on the doctor?" she asked, enjoying their relaxed time in bed. She could get entirely too used to this.

"The doctor suggested antidepressants again. He stormed out. He talked to me at lunch, he's really seems to be trying but when we went back to the doctor's together, she explained that he hadn't told her anything about his life prior to the past two years. Nothing about his parents or his issues with their drug use. Once he understood, he agreed to keep seeing her and she agreed to think outside the realm of antidepressants."

"Poor kid," she sighed. "Nothing he does seems to be enough. But it'll be good for him to talk to someone about his issues…"

"I agree. You want to call and check on him?"

"Maybe just for a second," she smiled. He knew her too well.

He reached across her body to get his cell phone off the table and dialed Ryan's number before passing the phone to her.

"Hello?" Ryan answered.

"Hi, Ryan. What are you doing?"

"Summer dragged me out of the house…" There was a pause and she could hear Summer's distinctive voice chattering in the background. "Okay, so we agreed to get out of the house. We're going to Santa Monica for some air."

"Oh, that sounds nice, kid…"

"I left you a message so you'd know where I was," he said quietly.

"Thanks."

"You guys having fun?"

"Yeah, we are. This was a good idea."

"I'm glad. I'll see you guys tomorrow…"

"You guys be careful, and don't stay out too late, okay?"

"We'll behave," he replied and she thought she could hear a smile in his voice as she hung up the phone.

"He's out of the house?" Sandy asked, surprised.

"Summer's somehow convinced him to go to Santa Monica," she answered, settling into his arms again, satisfied that Ryan was safe.

"Really? That'll be good for him."

"It'll be good for them both."

* * *

The familiar melodies of the carnival drifted from the boardwalk as Ryan and Summer approached.

"So. Roller coaster? Games? How about bumper cars?" Summer asked.

"This was your idea, you pick," Ryan smiled, relaxed.

"I want you to win me something. Something fluffy."

"Okay, games it is."

By the third game, Ryan was being infected by Summer's enthusiasm.

Between her snarky comments about the carnies and her encouragement for him to win, she was a comforting presence.

"Let's go on the Ferris wheel," she said, her arms loaded with stuffed animals.

He looked up at the painfully high ride.

"You won't fall. It's totally safe."

He wasn't afraid. It was a startling thought.

Ryan was no longer afraid to die.

"Sure."

The line was short for a weeknight and they were seated quickly.

He started to put his hands on the seat but reconsidered, putting one arm lazily around Summer's shoulders.

She leaned into his body as the ride rose.

"The girls at school say I'm dating you," she said suddenly.

"Yeah?" he asked, surprised.

"Yeah." She didn't look at him.

"Summer…you're hot and you're great but…" He tried to the think of the words to express his feelings. "You're family. You're like…a sister…"

"You're one of my best friends. With Marissa gone, you are my best friend. You're the only person that understands how special Cohen was," she said.

He sighed. The Ferris wheel shuddered and stopped. He turned his head and looked out. The ocean was endless.

"Ryan?"

"Look," he whispered. The ocean was beautiful.

She leaned forward. "Wow."

He felt like he had to say something. She'd supported him, she was loyal, she was infinitely special. Seth had known it.

"It's beautiful," she said.

"Thanks. For bringing me. For sticking by me," he said.

"Seth would want us to go on. I don't know…I never believed in God, never went to church or anything…but I believe that Seth's in a better place. I believe that he's watching over us."

"I miss him. I can't believe in a god that would let him die," Ryan said as the Ferris wheel started up again.

"Is the shrink helping you?" she whispered.

"No. But you are."

"Good. You want to go around again?" Summer asked.

"Yeah."

* * *

Summer dumped the surplus of stuffed animals into the backseat of the Hummer.

She'd had fun. And guilt-free.

And Ryan seemed happy, or at least not as depressed.

"So. You ready to go home?" he asked her.

"Can we go to your house? My dad's out of town and…"

"That's where I'm headed," he replied.

She climbed into the front seat and he started the car, knowing her well and idling the vehicle as she loaded the cd player before buckling her seat belt.

The opening chords of Everclear's song started.

_I am still living with your ghost…lonely and dreaming of the west coast…_

Ryan's phone rang. "Can you get that? I hate talking and driving," he said.

She didn't recognize the number but pressed the answer key and raised the phone to her ear. "Ryan's phone."

"Who the fuck is this?"

"Summer."

"He's got a new bitch already?"

She didn't recognize the voice.

"Let me speak to my boy, I need him…"

And she knew. She covered the microphone. "It's your mom. Not Kirsten."

"What? Dawn?"

She raised the phone again. "Dawn?"

"Yeah."

Summer nodded at him. He shook his head negatively.

"I need his help."

"Tell me."

"I don't know you…" Dawn snapped.

"I'll relay the message. I have his phone, don't I?" Summer responded, forcing herself to stay calm.

There was a long sigh. "Okay."

"What's up?" she asked.

"Don't ask, Summer," Ryan whispered.

"They arrested AJ…I'm free to go but we're in Riverside and Trey's out and I haven't even gotten to see him…"

"Hold on." She studied the phone and finally figured out how to mute it.

"What?" Ryan asked.

"She's in Riverside. AJ's in jail but she's out and…so's your brother."

"Trey?"

"Yes."

"Fuck."

"What do you want me to say?" Summer asked.

He took the phone from her and pressed it to his ear. "I'm not bailing him out…"

Summer studied Ryan as he pulled the Hummer off the road. She couldn't make out Dawn's words but she could see that Ryan was wavering. His face was flashing with conflicting emotions.

"You just want me to pick you up and drive you to see Trey. You swear."

Ryan wouldn't look at Summer and she knew that any and all progress she'd made tonight was gone because he was shutting down before her eyes. But it wasn't like after Seth, it was something she hadn't seen before.

She hated the effect his mother had on him.

He closed the phone with a snap and turned to her with dull eyes. "I'll take you home first…"

"No. I'm coming with you. We're friends…I won't snap on your mom if you don't," she said honestly.

Ryan stared at her. "I don't want you…"

"Don't want me, what? To see your mom? I don't care about your mom. I care about what she does to you."

He sighed. "Okay. We have to pick her up in Riverside."

"Fine, Ryan. Are you going to call your folks?"

"Later."

* * *

Ryan stopped outside the police station and recognized his mother immediately.

Dawn was sitting on a small column on the edge of the steps. A half smoked cigarette dangled from her painted lips and her faded jeans and torn tank top flashed her disarray.

"Can you drive?" Ryan asked Summer.

"Sure. You okay?"

"I hope so." He hesitated and turned to her. "Let me know?"

"Sure. Just keep talking to me. Even if its silently, just keep talking to me."

He nodded and climbed out. He saw her sliding into the driver's seat as he glanced back.

"Ry?"

He faced his mother. "Why are you here? What's his charge?" Ryan asked as his mother wrapped her thin arms around him. He didn't return her affection, his arms pinned at his side. He didn't need this right now.

"They came after me for solicitation and look at me, do I look like I'm hooking?"

Ryan studied her. He knew how she dressed when she was streetwalking, it was a memory he'd often tried to erase.

"But AJ attacked the cop and he had his gun on him and some coke and…" Dawn hesitated. "Thanks for coming."

"Are you clean?" he asked. He needed to know exactly what he was in for. Dawn sober was one thing.

"Fuck you," she answered after a beat.

But she didn't protest as he took her wrists and rolled up her sleeves. He recognized the track marks between the intermittent cigarette burns. Fucking AJ.

"Where am I taking you?" he asked.

"Trey's in Chino. Out on good behavior, can you believe that?" she snorted.

"Let's go." He led her to the Hummer and opened the back door for her before climbing into the passenger seat.

"This yours?" Dawn asked, glancing around the vehicle.

"Yeah. Where are we going?" Ryan asked her.

She rattled off an address of one of Trey's friends and Summer followed his directions, pulling onto the street.

They rode in silence despite Dawn's uncomfortable shuffling in the backseat. Summer kept glancing in the rear view mirror at his mom but she didn't speak.

Finally, Summer parked on the edge of the street where Trey was staying.

"Are you going to speak to your brother?" Dawn asked.

Ryan caught Summer's worried gaze and nodded. "I'll be right back."

"Okay," she said.

Trey was standing outside the dingy house when he got out of the Hummer to stand beside his mom.

"Ma," Trey said, accepting her hug as his eyes trained on Ryan.

He looked better than the last time Ryan had seen him, despite the thick glaze over his blue eyes. His hair was cut short and he'd bulked up slightly.

"Didn't expect to see you, little brother," Trey said, pulling him into a hug.

"You look good."

"Can you give us a minute, Ma?" Trey asked, never taking his eyes off Ryan.

"Thanks again, baby," Dawn said before hurrying into the house.

"What's up with you?"

"Nothing. I didn't know you were getting out," Ryan replied.

"Yeah, well, we sort of made a deal, remember? What are you doing here?"

He shrugged. "Ma needed a ride. I was in the area."

"That your ride?"

"It's a really long story."

Trey stepped toward him. "What's wrong with you? You look like you've lost your best friend or something."

Ryan opened his mouth to respond but realized that Trey was pretty much on the money with that comment.

"What? You still pissed about Thanksgiving? It hasn't been enough time for us to get over it?"

"I need to go," Ryan said. He couldn't talk to Trey. Trey could always see through him, the fucker and he couldn't deal with another person in his face right now. He turned.

"Wait, man, sorry…please. Just wait…" Trey's breath was sour with liquor and Ryan's initiative was revived.

"You're drunk. I'm tired. I need to go." Ryan was at the hummer now and he opened the door.

"Oh, I get it. This your new bitch?" Trey saw Summer in the driver's seat. "Afraid I'll move in on your territory?"

Ryan's fist connected without him even thinking about it. Trey fell to the ground, holding his nose and Ryan turned to look down at him.

"You don't know anything about my life anymore or my friends. You don't know anything."

"Come on, Ryan. Let's go now."

He got in the passenger seat and slammed the door. Trey was still on his ass when Ryan glanced in the side mirror.


	13. Twelve

_"I walk around lost and I don't know why  
I don't see the faces or the places I should recognize  
It's like that dream where it feels like home but it don't look right  
Yes I will look everywhere tonight  
I will not stop till I make things right  
And I can't go home till I see the sun…"_

_Everclear_

* * *

Kirsten dropped her bags by the door and turned to put a silencing finger to her lips as Sandy joined her.

Ryan and Summer were asleep on the downstairs couch.

"Long night," Sandy whispered.

"You think Summer has school?" Kirsten asked him.

Sandy gently closed the door to the house and to their surprise, both kids raised their heads up immediately.

"Sorry," he apologized.

"No problem," Ryan yawned.

"Shit, I'm late," Summer said, glancing at her watch.

"Be careful, Summer," Kirsten called as she took off toward the exit.

Summer seemed to reconsider the urgency and stopped beside them. "Make him tell you what happened. He says he's fine and he probably is but you still need to know. Bye."

Kirsten was startled but immediately turned to look at Ryan.

He had his hands over his eyes, rubbing them tiredly but he felt her gaze on him and spoke. "My mom called last night and my brother's out of jail. I picked her up from Riverside PD and took her to where Trey's staying. So I'm tired, pissed off that my mom's still fucking up her life and I punched my brother for absolutely no reason."

"Well…"

"So. How was your night?" Ryan replied, lowering his hands and regarding them.

"We had a great time…so, you saw Dawn?" Sandy asked, processing his words.

"Yes. And I don't want to talk to you guys about it anymore because it upsets you. I'm seeing my shrink in a few hours and I'll go over it with her. I'm going to get changed and go for a run," he said, standing up and disappearing.

"That's new," Sandy said.

"Talking to the shrink? Yeah. Not talking to us? I don't like it, Sandy," Kirsten admitted.

Sandy turned to her.

"I know I flipped out about Dawn before the funeral, but can you blame me? She hurts him, Sandy. Even when he sees her for a little while, she hurts him. She called him to pick him up from a police station, Sandy…" she snapped.

"I know. But she's his mother. He's loyal, he loves her, despite everything," Sandy said calmly. "We can't change the way he feels. We have to trust him. He came back to us last night, he is here with us. We aren't going to lose him…"

"I'll fight her for him," she murmured despite herself.

Sandy laughed and embraced her. "I know you would."

"I'm going to talk to him after he's done running," she said.

"I know that, too."

* * *

Ryan didn't hate the doctor as much today.

Something had changed for him when he saw his mother this time. Sure, she'd come when she heard about the fire, she'd seemed genuinely worried but after last night, he knew that she didn't care. He wasn't a son to her, he was a belonging. Someone at her beck and call.

"Why'd you go, Ryan?" she asked.

"Because. She wanted to see Trey. She said that he wouldn't see her the whole time he was locked up and she really wanted to see him since he'd made the first move."

The doctor nodded. "And Trey. What about him?"

Ryan sighed. "I didn't know he was out. But he took one look at me and knew something was wrong. I lost my temper and…"

"Why'd you lose your temper?"

"He's not a part of my life anymore. It pissed me off that he thinks everything is okay between us when it's not…"

"When's the last time you talked to him?"

Ryan sighed again. "You think I should explain to him what happened before I shut him down."

"You said that he looked at you and he knew. I just want to get a feel as to if you're close with him or not."

"Oh." He liked that she actually explained to him what she was doing. He respected her for it. "We were close…once."

"Like Seth?"

"No. Not like Seth. Trey, he always had my back. He…when I was little, he'd try and protect me from my dad if he could. And when we got older and my dad was gone, it was me and him against whoever Mom was fucking that day. Self-preservation. We covered for each other, fought each other's battles. Not because we liked each other, but because we were family."

"Okay…"

"He knows me, though. Again, not because he gives a shit, but because we grew up together. He can read me, he taught me how to act, how to hide pain, how to take a hit. He knows…"

"He's your brother. Does he know about Seth? What happened to him? What happened to you?"

"I don't think so," Ryan admitted.

"Why aren't you in touch anymore?"

Ryan took a deep breath. "He called me last Thanksgiving. Said that he wanted to see me. But he's his mother's son and I knew that he needed something. And he knew I'd do it. He had a bad debt hanging over him and was catching hell in jail and needed me to take a stolen car to this guy. I ended up taking a few hits for him, interest, of course and when I went to tell Trey that the job was done I told him that I couldn't keep doing things like that. My life was here."

"Your life is here," she replied.

"Yeah."

"Are you going to see your mother again? Make sure she's okay?"

"No," he answered honestly. "I don't want to see her. I'll be eighteen in a few months and she'll have no hold over me. I can't be responsible for her."

"You're only responsible for yourself. Not your mother. Not Sandy or Kirsten. Not Seth…"

Ryan met her gaze, shaky now.

"You have to focus on yourself for a change. What's right for you. What you need to do to move on with your life. A part of that is closure."

"Closure. With Seth?"

"With everything. You have a lot of open wounds, Ryan, and they're not going to go away on their own. Dawn will always be your mother and she's always going to have that connection with you. Trey's your brother. And even though I think you consider Seth a brother, too…he's not here anymore."

"Trey's still here," Ryan stated.

"I'm not encouraging you to talk to him. I want you to think about what _you_ need right now to feel better."

"Okay."

"Okay?" she asked.

"I'll think about it. Thanks," he said after a pause.

"Are you going to come in tomorrow?"

"I thought my next appointment was on…" he started.

"Not for a session. But if you want to come in or call me, that's what I'm here for. Your next session is next week but you said a lot today and I don't want you to lose the momentum, all right?"

Ryan nodded. He stood up and walked to the door. He felt better. At least, less overwhelmed. She was listening to him and being objective and it helped to have her to talk to where he didn't have to worry about her feelings or where her loyalties lay.

* * *

Ryan parked his Hummer outside the convenience store and locked the doors out of habit as he hopped out. He ended up going to this store almost daily to pick up assorted sodas and snacks and the clerks knew him by name now. Rosa had been watching The Learning Channel and decided that the amount of caffeine they ingested was unhealthy and had stocked the fridge with decaf sodas, setting off Kirsten and Summer.

Monica was working today and she turned to smile at him as the door jingled as he entered. "There's our favorite customer, cutting school again?"

"Now, Monica, I've told you that I'm on a leave of absence, I have permission to be out and about. Besides, it's almost seven, school's been out for hours," Ryan replied. Monica was an older lady with streaks of gray lining her dark hair. She worked every other night just to get out of the house.

"Actually, I'm really glad you're hear, can you do me a favor?" she asked.

"Sure," he replied. Monica had trouble with her back and she'd asked him for help moving heavy crates before. She reminded him of Teresa's mom with her motherly tendencies and her ever-present rosary peeking from the pocket of her smock. She'd often told Ryan stories about her grown-up children. Her son-in-law owned the store.

"It'll only take a second,"

"Can I have a lollipop?" he teased, following her behind the counter.

"If you earn it," she chuckled.

There was a large box of bottled water hanging off a pallet in the storeroom.

"If you can just get this in front of the fridge for me, I can unpack it, but the hand-truck's broken and you know how these rich ladies get if they don't have their Evian," Monica said.

"No problem," he shrugged. It was strange that he had developed such an easy rapport with the woman when he was having such issues with communicating with everyone else. Maybe because Monica was a stranger and even though she probably knew about his tragic history, she didn't mention it.

"Thanks, honey. You're such a good kid," she said gratefully, following him to the designated refrigerator.

"You're welcome. But I have to be getting back, we're out of sodas again and they get kind of grouchy without their carbonation," he said, putting the box down.

"And you're welcome to a lollipop," she said, returning to behind the counter as he gathered what he came for. "Tom's going to have to start paying you if you keep this up."

"Well, lucky for Tom, I work for candy," Ryan smiled, plucking a lollipop from the candy stand and slipping it into his pocket.

The bell jingled again as she rang up his sodas but Ryan didn't react, he was bagging his sodas so Monica didn't have to.

"Thanks, sweetie. See you next time," Monica said, accepting his money.

"Get behind the counter," a gruff voice ordered.

"What…" he started, but he recognized the gun barrel pressing against his back.

"Now, punk…keep that drawer, open, bitch, I want all your money…"

Ryan didn't turn around and stumbled forward as the man shoved him behind the counter with Monica.

"Take it," Monica said, stepping back, her eyes wide with fear. She latched onto Ryan's arm.

The man held the gun on them as he raided the drawer, stuffing cash and rolls of coins into a bag from the counter.

Ryan glanced at Monica and she motioned beside him. He looked down and saw a small button labeled with duct tape. Silent alarm. He moved his elbow and managed to press it down without alerting the gunman.

God, was he some kind of disaster magnet? Shit, he had enough evidence in his seventeen years to prove it. He couldn't take his eyes off the man's gun and the only thing keeping him steady was Monica's tight grip on his arm.

"Where's the safe?" the man asked, finishing with the cash register and focusing on them fully again.

"There isn't one, we make deposits…" Monica started.

Monica's grip tightened as the man pulled the trigger and her smock stained with red.

Ryan managed to catch her before she hit the floor, falling to his knees to support her. Her brown eyes were dark with pain and horror.

"Fuck…" he put his hands over the expanding red and tried to stop the bleeding.

"Where's the safe?" the man asked again.

"I don't…" Ryan started. He winced as three more gunshots deafened him and one of the displays clattered to the floor.

"Where's the fucking safe?"

Ryan felt the gun barrel press against the side of his head. It was hot from it's recent firing.

"I don't know."

The gun stayed against his head. "You're fucking lying…"

"He doesn't even work here, we don't have a safe," Monica whispered.

"Goddammit!" The man yelled suddenly, firing another shot and dislodging plaster as the bullet lodged into the ceiling.

"I have to help her, you have to let me help her…" Ryan said suddenly. He couldn't space out. Monica had kids, she had grandkids, she was a good woman and she was bleeding to death in front of him, in his hands.

"Shut up…" the man said, pressing the gun against his head again.

Ryan closed his eyes. He could hear Monica murmuring what sounded like a prayer. He could hear the man's panicked breathing. He could hear his own heart beating.

He waited for the peace that he hoped death could bring. He waited for visions of his life and what he was leaving behind. He waited for the moment of clarity.

The gun clicked.

It was louder than the gunshot.

And Ryan wasn't dead. Before he could even think, the man slapped him roughly with the gun, knocking his head back against the counter.

He didn't let go of Monica, her blood still soaking between his fingers as he tried to keep pressure on her wound.

The man stormed away from them but Ryan didn't move. He'd lost the capability to think.

Monica closed her eyes and Ryan knew suddenly that she wouldn't last much longer.

Her blood had soaked into his clothes, the cuffs of his shirt stiff with blood.

The windows burst suddenly and he leaned over her instinctively.

"CLEAR! Get the medics in here!"

"Kid? You okay? Where are you hurt?"

Cops. The cops broke the windows, not crazy bitch with the empty gun, he seemed to be buried under a pile of cops.

"She's shot," Ryan said as paramedics hurried over to them.

"Your face is cut," the cop said.

"She's shot…" he couldn't think of what he was supposed to say.

"We've got her, Chip, get him out of here," one of the medics said.

The cop leaned over and took his wrists as they moved Monica onto a backboard.

"Look at me, kid, what's your name?" the cop asked gently.

But all Ryan could see was the pool of blood he was sitting in.

"He's in shock…"

Ryan felt the officer pull him to his feet and search him. He wanted to go home.

"Ryan, you're Ryan?"

He nodded vaguely. He was disconnected. He wanted to go home.

"You're Sandy Cohen's kid, aren't you?"

"Sandy." He needed to see Sandy. Sandy would take him home.

"We're going to get you outside, okay?"

Ryan knew he was walking but wasn't doing it consciously.

His hands were red. He was red.

"All right, Ryan, just sit down and relax, okay? It's all over, okay?"

Nothing was okay. Nothing had been okay in a long time.

He must've been sitting in an ambulance because it was bright and his arm was squeezed tight with a blood pressure cuff and something was pressed against the side of his head.

"Ryan. What's your dad's number? Sandy?"

"Sandy." Ryan needed him to tell him what to do.

"Here's his phone…"

* * *

Sandy was cold.

"He's okay. He's fine," Kirsten chanted beside him.

Ryan didn't need this. He didn't need another near-death experience. Violence. Fear.

He was too young, too fragile. He'd been through too much pain.

"We're here, god, look at all the cops," Summer said from the backseat.

The cops let them through the yellow tape fairly quickly, but not fast enough.

"Mr. Cohen? I'm Chip Jenkins, we spoke on the phone…"

"Where is he?" Kirsten asked.

"He's in the ambulance, he's in shock and a little banged up but safe and healthy…"

Sandy saw Ryan immediately. His clothes were blood-soaked and a bandage was over his swelling eye.

Sandy knew that Ryan was far from okay.

"We have to get him out of here, he's going to flip," Summer said quietly.

"He's already flipped," Kirsten whispered.

Sandy acknowledged the medic and climbed into the rig. "Ryan."

The boy blinked at him.

"Ryan…"

"I want to go home," Ryan said flatly. "Please."

Sandy turned to the medic. "Is he okay?"

"He took a nice hit to the head, but he's healthy…we're concerned about his unresponsiveness but…"

"Can we take him home?" He turned to the officer. Chip.

"I'll get a doctor to meet us at the house," Kirsten said from beside Chip, not waiting for an answer.

"I'll call Dad…" Summer said.

"Ryan. Look at me, kid…"

Ryan met his gaze.

"Can you focus on me for a few minutes?"

Ryan shook his head negatively.

"I'll get the car," Summer said. Sandy held out the keys and the girl hurried off with the officer.

Sandy focused on Ryan again.

Ryan was staring at his hands.

"We'll get you cleaned up," Sandy said gently, reaching out and taking his arm and guiding him down to the pavement.

Ryan stood up unsteadily.

"Honey, we're here…" Kirsten said, embracing the stricken boy.

Ryan responded to her, shuddering. "Kirsten."

"Summer's getting the car…" she started.

"I don't want to talk. I want to go home," he murmured.

The officer returned and pointed to where Summer had parked between a cluster of police cruisers.

"Come on, kid," Sandy urged.

Kirsten held onto Ryan's waist and guided him toward the car.

"Mr. Cohen, we'll need a statement as soon as he's capable…" Chip said.

Sandy managed to pull a card out of his wallet and held it out to the man.

* * *

Ryan didn't say anything in the car. Kirsten was sitting in the back with him and he was shaking violently despite her arm around his shoulders to steady him.

She couldn't get over the blood on him. He was covered in it.

Summer's phone rang and broke the silence as she turned into the driveway.

"We're home, honey," she whispered.

He didn't respond, he didn't even blink, his eyes staring at his hands folded in his lap.

Sandy opened her door and she urged Ryan to get out after her, steadying him. She glanced at Sandy and could see her own worry reflected on his face.

This was too much for Ryan. They had to be strong. Seth was gone but Ryan was still here. They had to be strong for him.

Summer joined them. "Dad's coming, he's bringing Ryan's doctor from…from before so they can check him over," she said.

"Thanks, Summer. Come on, Ryan," Kirsten said.

Ryan looked at her suddenly, his eyes blank. "Kirsten."

"Let's get you inside and cleaned up, okay?" Sandy said gently, urging him forward.

He submissively let them lead him into the house and to his bedroom.

"I'm going to call his shrink, see what she suggests," Sandy said, leaving her with him.

She turned to face Ryan and took his bruised face in her hands and made him look at her. "Ryan. I need you to help me, okay?"

"Kirsten." He nodded blankly.

"You need to take a shower. You need to get the blood off you, okay? Can you do that?"

He nodded again but didn't move.

"Ryan. Are you listening?"

He nodded. "Shower. Blood. Okay." He still didn't move.

"Ryan. Please, honey…" she whispered, leading him to the bathroom.

"She has kids. Grandkids. Jacob and Tori. They're twins. They're four," he said suddenly. "Her daughter's having a baby in two months. She didn't deserve to get shot, to bleed."

"Honey…" Kirsten started.

"It's not fair. I don't think its fair. He pointed the gun at her and she's dead. He put the gun to my head and it clicked. It's not fair."

Before she could respond, he turned and went into the bathroom, closing the door.

Summer joined her suddenly and put her arms around her. "You okay?"

"He's…he's not going to get over this, is he?" she asked the younger girl.

"He's tough. He's got us. We won't let him go, Kirsten," she whispered.

"Thank you," she replied, hugging the girl back.

The shower turned on and Summer released her and went to Ryan's closet. "He needs clothes. Warm things…"

"Good idea. I'll get those, could you go make some tea for him, I know he's not going to eat anything, but maybe…"

"Sure," Summer said, latching onto the task and hurrying out.

It was twenty long minutes before she heard the shower cut off. She knocked softly on the door. "Ryan, I have clothes for you…"

He opened the door enough to accept the clothes and quickly closed it again. Finally, he stepped out.

"Better?" she asked.

He shrugged, sitting down on the bed. She watched as he slowly pulled his legs up and turned away from her, curling into the fetal position. He was still shaking.

"Ryan…Ryan, what can I do?" she asked, putting her hand on his back.

"Nothing…there's nothing left to do…" he murmured.

* * *

Sandy opened the door, expecting Summer's father but didn't recognize the man at the door. "Can I help you?"

"I hope so. You're Ryan's dad, Sandy?" the man asked.

"Yes…" Sandy replied, cautious. Close enough.

"I'm Tom Lewis, I own the store. Monica, she's my mother in law…"

"Monica, the lady that was shot? How is she?" Sandy realized.

"She's going to pull through. She's tough. Ryan comes in almost every day, and when we saw the surveillance footage of the robbery…my wife made me come. How's he doing?"

"Come in," Sandy said. "He's not…he's not doing so well," he said honestly.

"We know about your son, we saw the papers but we never really connected the kid to it. This is…it's tragic. Monica's conscious and she said that he…that he saved her. If he hadn't kept pressure on her wound, she would have bled out."

Sandy nodded. "What happened? Ryan…he hasn't really said anything…"

"Single gunman," Tom started. "Ordered Ryan to get behind the counter. Apparently the man was on something, when Monica wouldn't tell him where the safe was, since we don't have one, he shot her. Shot the store up." He hesitated. "He had the gun to Ryan's head and…luckily the gun was empty. He pistol-whipped the kid and started tearing up shit and that's when the cops came in. Ryan hit the silent alarm. He saved Monica's life."

Sandy's mind was working a mile a minute.

"Was he hurt?"

"Ryan…he's upset. He's a tough kid, but he hasn't fully recovered from…the fire," Sandy said. He didn't know what to do for Ryan.

"You think I could see him? Let him know Monica's all right?"

"It might help," Sandy said. And it couldn't hurt. Ryan was nearly catatonic, he'd try anything.

"He seems like a good kid. Why isn't he in school?"

"He's having some problems readjusting," Sandy admitted. He didn't want to air Ryan's problems to this man, no matter his good intentions. He gently pushed open Ryan's door.

Ryan was still curled in a ball. Kirsten was sitting beside him, stroking the back of his head.

"Kirsten, this is Tom. He owns the store," Sandy introduced.

Kirsten reached out and shook his hand. "The lady…"

"She's going to be okay," Tom said.

Kirsten turned to Ryan. "You hear that, Ryan?"

Ryan was shaking and didn't respond.

"He hasn't said anything since he laid down," she admitted.

"It might not be the best time," Sandy said to Tom.

The man nodded. "Can I leave my number?"

Sandy walked the man into the kitchen.

"If there's anything we can do…" Tom started.

"Thank you. Ryan will appreciate you having come by when he's better."

"What happened to your son was tragic…I hate to see the kid so upset."

Sandy didn't know what to say. He held out his card.

* * *

He was cold.

That was why he was shivering.

Everything was red.

He was cold.

Someone was with him.

Kirsten.

Kirsten.

He was home.

"Kirsten."

"I'm here, honey. Ryan?"

He blinked. His eyelids were heavy. His head hurt.

"Sit up, Ryan…please?"

She was touching his shoulders. He sat up slowly. He was in his room. Home.

"Ryan."

He looked at her. She was worried. Desperately worried. "What's the matter?"

"Honey…"

He remembered though. Bullets. Blood. Click.

"Talk to me."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can, you're doing it now…"

"I need to…Kirsten, I need…"

She wrapped her arms around him, enveloping him in her warmth. But he was too cold.

He was too cold and too tired of feeling like this. Like he was nothing. Like he had nothing to live for.

"Ryan, honey, come back to us, don't shut us out…"

"I didn't feel anything," he said suddenly.

"What?"

"When the gun was to my head. I didn't feel anything."

"Were you scared?" she whispered.

"I'm scared now."

"Why?"

He didn't know. Not fully. He couldn't express it. It was like everything shut off with that click. "I'm cold. Inside."

"I'm sorry…"

"I think I'm broken…" he admitted. Why else would he be stuck in this emotional limbo? He couldn't fix it.

"We'll fix it. Trust me," she murmured, holding him tightly.

"I do. I'm cold."

It was everything. He was cold.

"Kirsten? I have tea."

Ryan recognized her. "Summer."

"Nice to hear your voice, Chino. Will you drink something?"

She pressed a mug into his hands. He was cold but it was warm.

Kirsten began to rub his back with one hand.

"Drink it…it's got sugar, Kirsten didn't make it," Summer urged.

He raised it to his lips. It was sweet and warm. He felt it trickle down his throat to his stomach.

"Better?"

He nodded. She took the mug from his shaking hands.

"How're you feeling?"

He met Summer's gaze. "I don't know."

"Tom was here," Kirsten said.

Tom. "From the store?"

"Monica's going to be okay. She's not dead," Kirsten said.

"Not dead." She wasn't dead. "But the blood…" He looked at his hands.

Kirsten took his hands in hers, her nails a pale pink. "She's okay. You're okay," she said.

"I'm okay." He shook his head, hearing his words. "No. I'm not okay."

"Chino. Get up. You need air," Summer said.

He shook his head. "No. Home…"

"Ryan." Kirsten embraced him again.

He put his arms around her. She was warm.

"Air. Do you want me to get air?"

She pulled him to his feet and steadied him. "I want you to keep talking, okay?"

Summer took one of his arms and wrapped both hands around his arm. "We've got you."

* * *

Sandy answered the door, the house already brimming with people. Caleb and Dr. Roberts; Chip, the officer; Zach, Lindsay and Julie Cooper.

"Can I help you?"

"Mr. Cohen? I'm Trey Atwood."

Sandy studied him. Blond. Eyes like Ryan. Black slacks, dress shirt. Closely shaved hair. "Come in."

Trey didn't move. "I'm not here to make trouble. I can't imagine what you think of me, but…"

"Ryan doesn't talk. Your slate is clean," Sandy said after a beat. He couldn't forbid Ryan from seeing his brother.

"Why all the cars? Am I interrupting?"

"Come inside," Sandy said, motioning for the man to enter. Trey followed him into the kitchen.

"Okay. I don't want to upset him. Ma…she's a mess. She told me what happened, the fire…but she doesn't care about people the way…the way normal people do. The way Ryan does. He's special…"

"I know," Sandy nodded. He knew.

"I'm sorry about your son. I wish I could've known him. When I saw Ryan the other night…he was just…off. I knew something had happened…"

"Something more has happened, Trey. Tonight…" Sandy started.

Kirsten and Summer entered with Ryan's dazed body between them.

Trey looked at Ryan and his face changed. He was stricken, his blue eyes pure. "Ry…"

Ryan shook his head and stepped back. "Don't…"

Trey ignored him and stepped forward, embracing Ryan tightly.

And Sandy saw Ryan break.

He started choking with sobs in Trey's arms.

"I know, man…you're cool…I got you…" Trey murmured.

"I can't do this," Ryan cried, struggling.

"Shh…" Trey whispered, not releasing him until Ryan literally deflated into his brother's arms. "Shh…you need to rest, bro…" He met Sandy's gaze, worried.

"Sandy," Kirsten called, startled by the man's effect on Ryan.

"Trey. I'll show you where his room is," Summer offered.

Kirsten immediately went to his side as they walked out of the kitchen. "What is he doing here?"

"He came for Ryan…not to take him, he heard about Seth and was worried after seeing him the other night."

"Should we…" she started, accepting his arms around her.

"He seems sincere, Kirsten," Sandy said. "And if it helps, then…I think we have to let him try to help."

"I'm going to check on the people upstairs," she said, steadying herself and hurrying from the room.

Sandy found himself going to Ryan's room. Summer was standing nervously by the door and seemed relieved to see him.

"Everything okay?"

"He's still crying…" Summer whispered.

"Can you go check on Kirsten for me?" he asked and she nodded, hurrying off.

Trey was sitting on the edge of the bed listening to Ryan's choked mumbles and stroking his hair gently. "Okay, kid…okay…I'm here and I'm going to be lookout for a while so you can get some rest, okay? You have to rest…you're not making any sense and I know how much you hate feeling like this, all right? You have to relax and let your mind slow down…" Trey said, his voice low and soothing but when he glanced at Sandy, he could see the horror in his eyes. Trey loved his little brother, that much was obvious.

Ryan finally settled down, turning away and facing the wall, returning to the fetal position as Trey continued to talk softly to him. "You can do it, you're tired and upset and if you rest, it'll all be better when you wake up, okay? Just relax and breathe deep like you used to, okay?"

Once Ryan lapsed into what they perceived as sleep, Trey turned to him. "Why is he talking about the robbery? He hasn't talked about the robbery in years…"

"What?" Sandy asked, hesitating. "The robbery just happened tonight…"

Trey's face flashed with confusion. "Shit…I thought he was talking about…shit. What happened?"

"He went to the store for sodas or something equally unimportant…he goes almost daily, so he knows the clerks and while he was there, someone came in with a gun. They shot the clerk and…they put a gun to his head…but the guy was out of bullets…that's where the bruise on his face came from," Sandy said quietly.

"Fucking kid…he's got the Atwood luck, that's for sure…"

"What robbery were you talking about?" Sandy asked.

Trey sighed. "He was with Dad when Dad robbed the store that he got sent up for. Fucking Dad…sorry about the language, but if you knew him, you'd know it was applicable…anyway, Dad decided to take Ryan with him that night. Something set him off and Dad snapped, holding up the store. He punched the clerk, didn't shoot him, just knocked him down and Ryan…Ryan wouldn't leave. Ryan stayed with the guy, it was an old guy and by the time Dad decided to take off, the cops were there."

Sandy had no idea.

"He…he always felt guilty for it. Ma didn't help and hell, I probably didn't help. Dad never spoke to him again, said Ry betrayed him. But Ryan just couldn't leave that old man there, bleeding…he couldn't do it and he's been paying for it ever since. He's always getting hassled for doing the right thing, he's always getting fucked for being the good guy…" Trey whispered.

"Have you ever seen him like this?"

Trey hesitated. "Not like this. Never like this…"

"But you know how to calm him down…" Sandy started. He knew Trey wasn't telling him something.

"He…he doesn't talk much. But stuff affects him deeper…he got into this fight once, fucked the guy up, broke the kid's arm and he just…he snapped. Started rambling on about things that had happened years ago…he just needed to run down and when he woke up he was fine." Trey returned his attention to Ryan. "I'm really worried about him."

"Me, too."

"He really cared about your son?"

"They…Seth considered Ryan to be his brother," Sandy stated honestly.

Trey nodded. "Can I stay with him a while?"

"Sure. I'll give you your privacy…but if he needs anything…" Sandy started.

"I know who to call. Thanks, Mr. Cohen. For letting me stay with him…"

Sandy nodded, leaving Ryan with his brother.


	14. Thirteen

"Ryan? Buddy, get up, it's time to go…" Trey kept his voice low so the Cohens couldn't hear him upstairs.

He knew the Cohens meant well, they were clearly worried about Ryan but Trey knew he had to do something.

Ryan wasn't making sense, he seemed utterly broken.

And it was all Trey's fault. If he hadn't dragged Ryan along that night, he wouldn't have left Ryan all alone. Ryan wouldn't have been ditched by his mother and forced to live with strangers.

Ryan wasn't like him. He wasn't like their Ma or their father. They always joked that Ryan was the milkman's kid because of his mannerisms. Quiet and soft-spoken. Intelligent as hell. Gentle. Sure, Ryan had inherited things, too, like the Atwood temper and their mom's talent for cooking but he was of a different breed. Ryan didn't hurt people. Not on purpose. He had a good soul and despite everything, Trey knew that Ryan was going to go places. He was too good a person to end up like him and his family.

But Trey wouldn't leave him again. He'd grown up with Ryan, hell, he'd raised him when their parents flaked on them when they were kids…but as they'd got older, the tables had turned. Ryan was smarter than he was. Ryan had saved his ass countless times. Ryan had taken care of him, too. Trey had to return the favor. He finally had to step up and do the right thing. He had to take care of Ryan.

He'd packed Ryan a bag of clothes but everything else in the room seemed new so he didn't know what else to pack. Now he just had to get Ryan out of here. Somewhere he could get his brother to snap out of this scary depression.

"Come on, Ry, just sit up." He pulled his brother by the shoulders and made him sit upright.

"Trey?"

"Come on man, I mean it, don't make me leave without you," Trey said urgently.

Ryan was like a zombie. He pulled on his sneakers and let Trey drape his gray jacket around his shoulders.

Trey grabbed the bag and put his free arm around Ryan's waist.

"Where are we…" Ryan murmured.

"I'm just going to take you somewhere safe, just trust me…"

They made it as far as the driveway when Ryan stopped cold in his tracks.

"Ryan?" Trey called.

"Where are you taking me?" he asked him, his eyes still dull with confusion.

"I told you, somewhere safe…"

"I don't want to go anywhere."

Trey searched his face. After hours of seeing nothing but grief on Ryan's face he needed to see at least a flicker of lucidity before he was changing his mind.

"I can't leave Sandy and Kirsten."

"They'll be okay…" Trey started.

"I won't," Ryan whispered. He blinked. His eyes seemed to clear and he recognized Trey. A flash of confusion followed immediately and he sucked in a sudden breath of air. "Trey?"

"Yeah, Ryan, I've been here all night…"

Ryan focused on him fully. He saw the bulging duffle bag and the Hummer's key ring in his hand. "What the hell are you doing?"

"You've asked me that, like, twice already and the answer's still the same," Trey said, testing him.

Ryan's face was blank but Trey could tell he was thinking. "I'm safe here."

"Ryan…you're flipping out…"

"I appreciate what you're trying to do, Trey, but…"

Trey waited for Ryan to continue but he didn't. He closed his mouth and shook his head.

"Ryan? Ryan, where are you going?" Kirsten's voice was panicked as she ran into the driveway.

Ryan turned to face her immediately. "Nowhere."

"Trey?" she called, grabbing Ryan's arm protectively.

"I was just…" he started.

"What time is it?" Ryan asked. He blinked.

"Ryan?" Kirsten whispered. Trey watched the woman with his brother. They had a connection. She loved him.

Ryan stared at her a moment, tilting his head. "That's weird." He glanced around him and finally his gaze landed on Trey again.

"Let's all just calm down and come inside. You, too, Trey," Sandy said from the doorway.

-- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Ryan felt like he was waking up from an extended nightmare. But he still felt like he was slightly sleepwalking.

Kirsten's fingers were wrapped tightly around his arm and she refused to release him as she guided him into the den.

He sat down on the couch and tried to remember what the hell was going on. His brother was here. In Newport. Kirsten was visibly freaked out. And his head hurt.

She snapped her fingers in front of his face suddenly and he was startled, reacting with a jump.

"So. You are back with us now?" she asked as Trey and Sandy stepped in.

"I guess. Where did I go?" he replied.

"You spaced out a little, bro. Are you better now?" Trey asked.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Ryan asked.

Trey smiled. "That's what I'm talking about."

"Trey, why don't you go get a shower. You can borrow some of Ryan's clothes," Sandy said, nodding to the bag his brother was carrying.

"It might have been a bad idea, but at least he's talking now," Trey said, going into Ryan's bedroom.

"Honey…we were so worried…" Kirsten said, putting an arm around him.

The memories of the fire and the robbery and the click filtered back to him slowly. And then the familiar darkness over his mood returned.

"Ryan?" Sandy called.

"Sorry."

"You…you okay?" Sandy asked tentatively.

He glanced at Sandy. Then at Kirsten. "Trey wanted to take me somewhere safe. But…I don't want to be anywhere else right now. All I could think about in that store was getting home, I wanted to be home…and right now, that's you guys…"

"Is there anything we can do for you, Ryan?" Kirsten asked.

"Give me a few minutes to pull myself together. Is there coffee?" Ryan needed to clear his head. There were still clouds in his head. Smoke.

"Come on, kid," Sandy said. Ryan followed him into the kitchen. Kirsten patted him on the back and then left to get dressed.

"When did Trey get here?" Ryan asked. He remembered vague things. Like Summer had been there. His doctor. His shrink.

"Last night. He didn't know about the robbery, he came because your mom told him about Seth. You…you weren't talking to us, but you let him calm you down."

"Yeah?" That was weird. Since when did Trey have to calm him down? "Surprised I didn't punch him…"

"You did that the first time you saw him, remember?" Sandy smirked, passing him a steaming mug.

"True."

"I told Trey that he could stay with you. Was that okay?"

"Why?"

"Because…he got through to you. You wouldn't let anyone comfort you, you wouldn't rest and he…his was the only voice you responded to."

Ryan nodded. "Talk about regression…I'm better now. I just…yesterday was harsh."

"I can't imagine," Sandy replied.

"I didn't know what to do, Sandy," he admitted, needing to tell Sandy suddenly. Sandy would help him sort this out in his brain. "I just…froze."

"No, you didn't. You helped Monica. You pushed the silent alarm. You did everything right and she's alive now because of you. And you're alive. You're healthy and alive and back home safe."

"I thought…I thought that I would feel something…when he was going to shoot me…"

"Ryan," Sandy said, putting his hand on his shoulder. "When something like that happens, I doubt you could even think…"

"I think I just disconnected. I think I was so scared that I just shut down."

"Well, you're turning back on now," Sandy smiled.

Trey stepped in wearing some of Ryan's jeans and wife-beater.

"I see the fashion taste runs in the family. Coffee?" Sandy offered.

Ryan regarded his brother.

"Thanks," Trey nodded, turning to face him. "Sorry about earlier. Well, sorry about everything."

"Thanks for coming, Trey. Sandy says you helped out. I appreciate it," Ryan said.

"Glad I could do something good for once. So…you're not going to punch me this time?" Trey asked.

"Give me time," Ryan replied.

"Rosa's coming in soon to start on breakfast. Will you guys be all right alone while I go get a shower?" Sandy asked.

"Fine. No bloodshed, I promise," Ryan replied. Sandy seemed convinced, leaving.

"They're really nice," Trey said.

"Yeah. They're great," Ryan agreed.

Trey shuffled uncomfortably.

"So. This is big brother to the rescue?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah. I'm here, Ry. If you need me," Trey said quietly.

Ryan studied his face for dishonesty. But Trey was telling the truth. "Thanks."

"So. You feel up to showing me around today?" Trey asked.

"We'll see. You going to stick around?"

"AJ's getting out of jail tonight so I'm not showing my face in Chino for a few days," Trey replied.

Kirsten returned to the kitchen and grabbed a cup of coffee. "Ryan, since you're feeling better…"

"Here it comes. What's on my schedule for today?" he smiled.

"We'd like you to go see your doctor. She was here last night but you weren't really sociable," she replied. "And you still have to file a report with the police about what happened…"

"Can't that wait?" Trey asked.

"It's okay. I think I can do that."

"Sandy'll go with you."

"Do you think I could go visit Monica?" Ryan asked. He remembered that she was okay.

"Sure. If you're up to it. Trey, as long as you aren't planning any more escapes, you're still welcome to stay and visit with Ryan," she said.

"No more escapes. And thank you," Trey nodded.

-- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

"Summer? Thanks again for coming with me," Ryan said as they got onto the elevator.

"Yeah, you definitely owe me. Cutting school so I can accompany you to the hospital isn't exactly how I planned to spend the day," Summer replied.

"You're cutting school?" he asked and she recognized the concern on his face.

"My Dad called Dr. Kim," she admitted. "Harbor's actually pretty flexible if there's enough money involved. I also have to start seeing a shrink. Grief management or some bullshit."

"God, Summer…I've been a little self-absorbed lately but…"

"Its nothing, Chino. Just…after last summer when Cohen ran off, I started dating right away just to get him off my mind and I guess Daddy was expecting me to do that again. But…"

"This is different," Ryan nodded.

"Yeah."

The doors opened on their floor and they stepped off.

"We can talk later," Ryan said.

"Room 803, over there," Summer said, leading the way.

Ryan knocked hesitantly. She knew how nervous he was but she knew he needed to see Monica. He needed to see a silver lining to at least one tragedy.

The door was half-opened and someone called out for them to come in.

She followed Ryan into the private hospital room.

"Ryan!" A man said, standing up.

Ryan smiled and reached out to shake his hand. "Tom…"

Tom pulled him into a friendly hug. "It's so good to see you up and about."

"Sandy said you came by…how are you, Monica?" Ryan asked the woman in the hospital bed.

Monica smiled, leaning forward to embrace him gingerly. "Much better now that I'm seeing you."

"You look a lot better than I expected," Ryan admitted. Summer nudged him but Monica laughed.

"Thanks. The doctors do good work here. I should get to go home in a couple of days," she said.

"She's already trying to talk her way back to work," Tom said.

"You're going back to work at the store?" Summer asked.

"I'm not afraid. It's the first time we've ever been robbed," Monica replied. "Besides. God watched over us, he sent me my own little guardian angel that day," she said, patting Ryan's hand. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay, actually. Freaked out a little but I'm okay," Ryan said.

"My kids are going to be sorry they missed you," Monica said.

"I just wanted to check on you. I'll visit again," Ryan promised.

"Ooh, Tom, give me that bag," Monica motioned toward the table of snacks and gifts.

Tom passed her a gift bag and she smiled widely at Ryan. "This is for you."

Summer watched Ryan's face break into a pure smile as she handed him a huge lollipop. It was the size of a dinner plate on a wooden stick.

"I don't even know what to say," Ryan laughed.

-- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Ryan heard the car pull in and went to the door. Trey was snoring on the downstairs couch and Kirsten and Sandy had gone to order dinner.

He opened the door and was startled to see Lindsay. He knew that she had come by when she heard about the robbery but he didn't remember talking to her.

"Hi. I hope…I hope its okay I stopped by…"

"Come in. Trey's sleeping," he said, stepping aside.

"Who's Trey?"

"My brother."

"He's out?"

Ryan nodded. "Let's go out back."

As soon as they stepped onto the deck, Lindsay started in a rush.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry and I know how much of a mistake I've made because I miss you so much…"

Ryan had flashbacks of Marissa for an instant but she continued.

"The more I think about it the more I know I overreacted and I know you're having a rough time and I should be here for you, I want to be here for you…"

"Lindsay…"

"I…I love you," Ryan," she said suddenly.

He was speechless. He hadn't heard from her in over a week.

"I trust you. I'm not afraid of you. We all have baggage and…" she started again.

"Just stop a second."

He needed to think. His feelings for Lindsay hadn't disappeared, he just hadn't allowed himself to think about it. He'd left it where he left it. It had hurt so much to lose her that he knew that he'd depended on her too much and he couldn't afford to be that dependant on anyone.

"Can we try again? For real this time?"

"It wasn't real last time?" he asked.

She faltered slightly. "Yeah. That's why I don't want to lose it. I…I've never felt this way before. You make me all…crazy. You're all I think about, it's like you're the only thing on my mind and I have to fix this, I have to be with you…"

The door opened and Trey stepped out. "Bro, your phone's blowing up in here."

Ryan took the phone from him and put it to his ear. "Yeah?"

"Should we order anything else, like for Summer or…"

"Hang on." He turned to Lindsay. "Are you staying for dinner?"

She stared at him with entirely too much eagerness in her eyes. "Do you want me to?"

Trey gave Ryan a knowing smile and returned inside.

Ryan raised the phone. "Lindsay's here. I haven't talked to Summer but she'll probably stop by, too. It's Valley night."

"Oh. Okay. We'll bring extra. Lindsay?"

"See you soon," he said, hanging up before she launched into an interrogation.

"So…" Lindsay said.

"Stay for dinner. Let's…just hang out a while. No pressure and…" Ryan started, needing to think.

She stepped forward and kissed him quiet, holding his face.

She tasted the same, sweet and hot and her hair smelled like peaches.

"It's my turn to chase you. I'm not giving up," Lindsay said, breathless when she released him. "Now. Introduce me to your brother."

-- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----

Trey watched his brother's redhead set the table. She was cute and secretly beautiful. Ry could always pick out the girls that you'd overlook at first glance but turned out to be gorgeous.

"Trey. Stop staring," Ryan muttered under his breath.

"She's a little different from the last one."

"She's Kirsten's sister, too. Be nice," Ryan whispered before going to the girl's side.

That put a new twist on it.

Ryan must really like her because he loved Mrs. Cohen. He had to remember to interrogate his baby brother later about that story.

"So, Trey. Are you going to tell me lots of embarrassing stories about Ryan growing up?" Lindsay asked, clearly trying to make conversation. Or get a reaction out of Ryan, Trey wasn't sure which.

Ryan glared at him.

"We better wait until the Cohens get here so I have a little more backup," Trey laughed.

The phone rang and Ryan stepped out to answer it.

He caught Lindsay watching him.

"He didn't talk about me, did he?" Trey asked, knowing the answer.

"Ryan doesn't talk about anything," she said quietly.

He smiled. "Sounds like Ryan."

"He seems glad to see you. I hope you aren't like your mother," Lindsay said.

He could tell that the girl was being protective. Warning him not to hurt Ryan. He respected that. Somebody needed to be looking out for him. "Nice to meet another fan of Mom's. What can I say? I'm fresh out of jail, nothing's going to truly convince you."

"Ryan trusts you. I trust his judgment. But he's too loyal for his own good sometimes," she added.

"Lindsay. Good to see you, can you help me put out the cartons?" Kirsten came in juggling food while Sandy followed with sodas.

"Everything okay?" Sandy asked him quietly.

"I think so. She's Ryan's girl I take it?"

Sandy raised his eyebrows. "Depends."

Trey gave him a curious look.

"It changes from week to week," Sandy whispered.

Ryan walked in with Summer.

"We got that crab Rangoon you like," Kirsten told her.

"Ooh, I'm glad I called," Summer said, smiling.

Trey followed Sandy to sit down with these people who Ryan had made his family.


	15. Fourteen

_AN: I'm very interested to see what kind of reaction I'm going to get from this one...but, in my defense, someone said that I needed to give Summer something to do. So I did._

* * *

After dinner, Lindsay suggested a game of pool.

Ryan wasn't sure what to make of her continued presence. She kept touching him for no reason and standing too close to him. He knew that when they had been dating that she'd been a very, physical person but he thought he'd made it clear that he wasn't ready to start their relationship up again.

But even more concerning was the activity across the pool table.

Ryan felt like he was watching a mating ritual.

Even though Summer was already an accomplished pool player, she was feigning ignorance and had asked Trey to teach her.

Trey was behind Summer, guiding her arms and murmuring in her ear.

He would scold his brother under normal circumstance, but he could see that Summer was flirting back.

"Ryan? It's your turn," Lindsay said, brushing her fingers across his arm.

Summer giggled and nudged Trey playfully.

Ryan sighed. "Lindsay, let's talk."

"Okay," she chirped. She took his hand and pulled him downstairs to his room.

He hadn't expected her to take the lead but before he could say anything, she closed the door to his room and pushed him backwards onto the bed.

"Lindsay," he started.

"Shh…" she giggled, pulling off his shirt and kissing his neck.

"Lindsay, stop it…"

"Come on, Ryan, it's not our first time, and I know you missed me…" Lindsay murmured, straddling him suddenly with an oblivious smile.

"I want to talk and not fuck," he snapped, irritated as he tried to sit up. Sex was the last thing on his mind. And sex with her would only complicate things in his head.

"Come on, Ryan…"

"Just stop, Lindsay, damn," he said, getting to his feet quickly and leaving her on the bed.

"Ryan…"

"I don't want to do this with you. God…why are you doing this?" he asked.

"I want you back. I'll do whatever it takes…" she whispered, confused.

"Why does every girl try to win me back with sex?" Ryan snapped. "I loved you because you were my friend, you seemed to care about me, you tried to get to know me and you accepted me and all my baggage after…Seth…and you think that this is the way to win me back? Throw all the intimacy and love out the window and focus on making this strictly physical?"

"Ryan, I'm sorry…" she started, stunned.

"I know you are," he sighed, his anger drying up, at least externally. "But apparently our relationship meant something different to you…"

"Ryan…"

"I want you to leave," he said before she could go on.

"We have to talk," she whispered.

"Not right now. I want you to leave," Ryan said again.

She straightened her clothes and hurried from the room.

He took a deep breath. What now? He cared about Lindsay. He did. She…she was trying. What was he doing?

He turned and slammed his fist into the wall. The plaster crumbled as he pulled his hand out of the gaping hole he'd just created.

"Everything okay, Ryan?" Kirsten's voice filtered in from the kitchen.

"Fine!" He called back. He quickly pulled the motorcycle poster off the wall and rearranged the nail quickly so he could move the poster. Everything in the room looked off center but it would work for now. He closed his door and sat down on his bed.

He needed to think. If all he made were mistakes, then would another one really matter?

* * *

"So, what's up with the redhead? Ry says she's Kirsten's sister," Trey asked the hot little brunette that was currently kicking his ass at pool.

She'd been playing him all night. Acting like she was an amateur but now that Ryan was gone and it was just the two of them, she was letting his little brother's lessons show. And since Trey had taught Ryan, he could recognize them.

"God, talk about a long story. They hooked up before the whole paternity thing came out. Kirsten's dad had an affair and an illegitimate daughter, who happens to be Lindsay," Summer said flippantly.

Trey studied her. She was putting on an act for him. A sultry act. She couldn't be like this all the time, even his little brother would have a hard time controlling himself with a hottie like her around all the time.

She met his gaze suddenly. "If you hurt him, I'll kill you."

She was serious. "Okay. I don't plan on hurting him. I'm just here…to help."

"To help?" she whispered, pursing her lips.

"Yeah," he said as she walked over to him, laying the pool stick on the table with a thump.

"Mind helping out a friend of the family?"

"Depends…" he replied, falling into the part she was creating for him.

"Let's get out of here. I trust you can keep your mouth shut?"

He nodded, leading him down the stairs.

* * *

God, what the fuck was she doing? She definitely wasn't using her credit card to pay for a hotel room and the fucking Mermaid Inn. She definitely didn't have Trey Atwood's hand on her ass. She definitely hadn't bought a box of condoms from the drugstore on the pier.

She definitely wasn't going to do this.

So why was she taking the keys from the old bald man and smiling at Trey? Why was she here at all?

Because. She needed this.

She needed not to be numb. She needed not to be sad.

She needed to be beautiful again. She needed someone to want her.

She needed to get over Seth. If not emotionally, at least physically.

"You still sure?" Trey whispered, his breathy voice different from Ryan's but laced with the same tentative concern. God, what was it about Atwood boys that made girls' panties want to fall off?

She didn't answer him, but kept his hand in hers, leading him to room number seventeen.

"That number reminds me of something," Trey said as they stepped in.

"Yeah?" she asked, taking off her coat.

She needed this. She wasn't doing anything wrong. She wasn't cheating because you couldn't cheat on someone that was dead. She needed this.

"How old are you, honey?" he asked, his eyes taking her in again. She liked the way he looked at her. Hungry.

"Old enough," she answered, unbuttoning her shirt.

"Are you sure you want to do this? Like…"

"Do you usually question people that are trying to fuck you?" she asked. The curse word startled him and he smiled at her with a laugh.

He held his hands up. "Look, you're hot and I definitely…want you, but you're my kid brother's friend, and from what little info I have, I think you're…you were Seth's girl, weren't you?"

"Don't," she said. Saying his name would shatter her purpose. No sad.

"I'm just making sure that…"

"Nobody's going to get hurt. I'm not in love with you, guy, I just…I need this. I need to do this."

"But tomorrow…"

"We'll be friends tomorrow. No regrets and no…talking," she said evenly. She walked over to him and put her hand on his crotch as captured his lips with her mouth.

* * *

"I want to go to school. I need to go to school," Ryan said the next morning. He was sitting in the kitchen with Rosa when she came down.

"Honey…"

"It's time," he said. Rosa patted him on the back and left them alone.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I called my therapist this morning, asked her if I could change my appointment times and she said that she'd talk to Dr. Kim today and see what they could do," Ryan said.

"Where is this coming from?"

"I can't keep hiding. I can't keep staying in this…comfort zone. I have to reassimilate back into society. I need…I need to go back to school."

"Okay, Ryan. We'll talk to your doctor and to Dr. Kim and see what we can work out. But…I don't want to move too fast and have you getting into trouble again," she said, sitting down beside him.

"How are you doing?"

"Better," she answered honestly. "You look better, too."

"I feel…not better, but clearer. Seth's gone…but I'm not. And I can't keep wallowing, you know?" Ryan asked.

"I know. Have you already had breakfast?"

"No, Rosa's going to make it today, I'm going to go surfing. I'll see you in a little while," Ryan said, giving her a patient smile.

Kirsten watched him walk outside and grab his surfboard before disappearing across the beach.

"Morning," Sandy said, fresh from his shower.

"Ryan wants to go back to school," she said, kissing him and wrapping her arms around him.

"Yeah?"

"That's good, right?"

"It's time. He's…he's going to get better. He's had a lot of trauma in his short life but I think he's ready to get over this one."

"What about us?"

"We're going to get over it, too."

Kirsten sighed and inhaled his familiar smell. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he murmured, kissing the top of her head.

"Have you seen Trey today?" she asked.

"Actually, no. But there's a note on Ryan's door saying that he had to take care of some things. It's been there since last night," Sandy replied.

"What do you think that's about?"

"I don't know but I don't think we should jump to any conclusions. He's a grown man, he's okay."

* * *

Trey knocked on Ryan's door around lunchtime. Sandy and Kirsten had both gone in to work and Ryan had heard from his therapist that he could start back to school. Half-days for the remaining 3 days of the week and then full time the next week. He was trying to gather up the assignments he hadn't turned in to his teachers yet via email.

"Hey, little brother," Trey said.

"Hey," Ryan nodded.

"What's on your agenda today?"

"Trying to get my stuff together. I'm going to try going to school and not punching anyone this time," Ryan replied.

"I imagine that could be tough," Trey snorted.

"Where've you been?" Ryan asked. He studied Trey as he sat down beside him on the bed and picked up one of his papers. He looked normal apart from a fresh hickey peeking from under his t-shirt.

"I had to take care of some things. I got me a hotel room so I won't have to keep cramping your style but I can still stick around."

"How'd you pay for that?" Ryan asked, surprised.

"Remember that kid, Damon, from down the street?" Trey asked.

Ryan nodded. "Yeah? So?"

"So, he owed me about five grand when I got arrested, but he was AWOL so I couldn't collect. Long story short, the kid's been in rehab and found God and he showed up at the house before I came to Newport. He gave me a bible and my money. He said that he had to make his amends. So..."

"Wow, I thought things like that only happened in the movies," Ryan smiled.

"Yeah, me, too. But of course, you live here," Trey grinned.

Ryan could tell that Trey wasn't telling him everything but he wasn't in the mood to try and read between the lines. He just hoped that Trey wasn't in any trouble.

* * *

Summer started hanging out with Trey during the day when Ryan and the Cohens weren't around.

He didn't talk much, he just watched her.

They had sex a lot, but he never used her name and she never used his. After the third day, they were comfortable around each other.

He'd ask her about Ryan. He'd listen to her talk about Seth.

She didn't ask him about anything.

She didn't want to know. He was sexy and fuckable and that was what she needed now.

She had enough friends.

* * *

Ryan walked into physics and paused to speak to the teacher for a few minutes as the rest of the class filtered in. He'd spent the last few days of the previous week in the guidance counselor's office filling out paperwork and studying.

He caught sight of Lindsay's red hair as she did a double take as she recognized him.

"You're not behind, I read over your emails this morning. You should pick it up fine and just let me know if you have any problems with the material, okay?" the teacher asked him.

"Thanks." He turned and headed for the back of the room where he knew there was an empty desk.

"Hey. My partner's in rehab. You want your seat back?" Lindsay offered, stepping into his vision. She had tied a piece of white cloth to her pencil and waved it solemnly. "Truce?"

"Sure."

"Thank god," Lindsay said as he sat down beside her in the empty seat. "Mr. Reynolds had me partnered with this girl, 'Larin' and she was a total flake, turned out she had a pretty serious coke problem and they took her out of school," Lindsay said.

"Only in Newport," Ryan nodded.

"So, I'm sorry about…everything. We're friends, we have always been friends and if it's meant to be more…then it'll work itself out. But we will always be friends, right?"

"We can do that," Ryan conceded, relieved.

"Good," she nodded, smiling shyly. "Just…don't start dating right away, okay?"

"I don't think you have to worry about that," he laughed.

* * *

Sandy came into the house and put his briefcase down beside Kirsten's by the door. Usually there was a stack, since Ryan and Summer always dropped their backpacks there, too, it was a good indicator of who was home.

"Hi, honey," Kirsten said, her hair tied back in a loose ponytail. She was standing by the counter with all the delivery menus splayed across the counter.

"Hungry?"

"Yeah. What are you in the mood for?"

"Why don't I grill something tonight?"

"You grill every night," she muttered.

"No I don't, I only grill when you don't order takeout," he corrected. He put his arm around her and kissed her.

"Mmm…" she murmured, turning into his embrace.

"Want to go out?" he asked when they came up for air.

"You think?"

"Well, we had fun last time, maybe we should try going out…in Newport. It might not be that bad," he suggested.

She chewed on her bottom lip. "Can I get dressed up?"

"Of course."

"Maybe we should invite Dad and Julie…" she said, turning to leave.

"Oh, don't ruin a good idea like that," he groaned, but he was internally relieved that she had made the suggestion.

"It'll soothe Dad's mind and it's the least we can do after all they've done for us lately," she said.

He sighed dramatically and she walked over and gave him the puppy face, "Okay…" and he got just what he wanted, a kiss to show her gratitude.

"Buy you have to call them, I have to go get dressed," she said, turning and leaving before he could argue.


	16. Fifteen

_AN: So, Ryan had an interlude a few chapters back so it's only fair that Summer gets one, too. So here it is, a day in the life of Summer (in this AU anyway) set to the music ofthat Hootie and the Blowfish song that always makes me cry._

* * *

_Alone as I sit and watch the trees  
Won't you tell me if I scream will they bend down and listen to me? _

Summer was in her backyard painting her toenails a bright pink. It matched her new lingerie.

She'd spent six hours at the mall today. With Ryan going to school and her self-imposed hiatus from Harbor, she was just killing time and spending money.

Shopping without Marissa wasn't as fun. She had no one to critique her fashion choices. She simply bought at least three things from every store.

She liked the way Trey looked at her when she dressed up for him.

He had stamina that was unheard of, he gave her orgasms like she'd only read about.

He was the best fuck she'd ever had. Even though he was only the second fuck she'd ever had, she knew he was good. He was damn good.

But she didn't love him.

He just amused her.

She still thought of Seth all the time. She saw him in everything, heard his quips when she saw movie trailers and TV shows.

It was like she was haunted.

She could hear him, in her head, but she couldn't talk to him.

It was damned frustrating. She knew he was gone, knew he was dead, but she could still hear his voice and she still thought about him all the time.

It wasn't like when he was in Portland. She was simply pissed off when he was in Portland.

But now, despite her outward appearance, she was floundering.

She wanted to see him. She needed to see him. No matter how fucked up and childish she was being, she needed to know that he was okay.

She was being retarded. She knew that he was gone and that she'd never see him again. She leaned back on her towel and let the wind blow across her body.

It was a beautiful day.

But she wasn't happy.

She'd never be happy again. Sure, she could still laugh, things were still funny and she still enjoyed her friends and loved her daddy. But she wasn't happy.

She was missing a part of herself. And nothing that the therapist could tell her would change that. No amount of casual sex could fix it.

She was just going to have to find her own way to move on with the gaping hole in her soul.

Some days she cursed the day she acknowledged Seth Cohen.

Most days she cursed herself for waiting so long to acknowledge him.

He'd always said that he'd loved her forever, since the first day he saw her in kindergarten. But she had never known.

And now, all those years were lost to her. She'd wasted too much time.

_And it makes me wonder  
if I know the words will you come  
Or will you laugh at me  
Or will I run _

"So. You okay?"

Trey's voice was quiet in her ear.

He was always so polite, like he knew he wasn't supposed to be with her. Curled up against her back. His arms out of place around her waist.

"Yeah, that was great."

"I'm not talking about the sex, Summer."

"There's nothing else to talk about."

She was the reigning ice queen. Julie Cooper had nothing on her.

Trey Atwood seemed to be a really nice guy. More like Ryan than either of them would ever admit.

He had a softness to him, underneath his hard edge. And if she hadn't been in love with a dead man, she might have considered dating him in another life. He treated her like she was made of glass, breakable. Well, except when they were fucking.

But she wouldn't let herself care about him.

The sex was the perfect anesthesia against feeling. After a good night of sex with Trey, she didn't feel anything. She was empty, but not empty like after the funeral, but empty in a better way. Her body was sated, her needs were sated, but she wasn't full of all those pesky emotions. She didn't worry about whether or not he was going to call her tomorrow or whether he would remember her birthday.

It was nice to disconnect from herself for a while.

His arms left her and she heard the telltale sign of his brood starting.

It was weird. It was almost like he was upset that she only wanted him for sex. If she stayed too long after their trysts, he would always get up and walk to the window and stare at the ocean. Like it would tell him anything.

She'd spent enough time by the ocean looking for answers to know that there weren't any.

She climbed out of bed when the chill from Trey's absence was too much for her and immediately started putting on her clothes.

"You leaving?" Trey murmured from the window.

"Yeah. It's getting late and I haven't talked to Ryan all day."

"At least you talk to somebody," he muttered, stepping into his jeans and grabbing his cigarettes off the end table before walking out.

"Men," she grumbled, practicing her bitch voice once she was alone.

She wondered sometimes if maybe she should take up witchcraft. She'd watched the edited version of The Craft a few weeks earlier with Ryan and had been thinking about it a lot since.

If she could learn a spell, maybe she could find a way to communicate with Seth.

She was being retarded again.

But she had to admit that if she could get the scoop about heaven or hell from anyone, she'd want it to be Seth. He always had a way of describing things to her that made her feel like she was there.

She wanted to be with him.

But she couldn't go there.

_I don't know,  
I'm a stranger in my home  
Now that everybody's gone  
Someone please talk to me  
Cause I feel you cry  
And you're sitting with him  
And I know I'll never see you again _

Her daddy was working late again and her stepmother was drunk. She didn't need the again, he stepmother was always drunk.

She wished sometimes that she could drink away her problems. That she could drink away Seth.

But she couldn't. Not like Marissa or her stepmother.

Alcohol did nothing for her except make her lose her focus.

And she couldn't afford to lose her focus because she'd never be able to get out of bed if she did.

Her house was weird now. Well, it was always weird with her father's interchangeable wives and his crazy schedule.

But it didn't feel like home anymore. Nowhere felt like home.

The last place she'd felt like home had gone down in flames, taking everything with it.

Seth was her home.

Somehow he'd worked his way into every part of her day. He was in her bedroom in her blue sheets. Her white sheets. All her sheets. He was on her computer; she hadn't been able to bring herself to delete his name from her buddy list. He was in her kitchen with the Capri Suns that he loved. He was everywhere.

She could feel him watching over her.

Or at least she thought she did.

_You see I'm tired of feeling this pain  
I'm tired of living my own little lie _

She was at the Cohens again. Kirsten seemed to enjoy her company and she enjoyed pretending that she had a mother.

"They're having a big sale at the plaza this weekend, you think you're up for it?" Kirsten asked.

"Sure. I just went shopping yesterday, but I'm always up for shopping," she agreed.

"How are you doing, honey? You haven't really seemed yourself lately," Kirsten asked.

People asked her that all the time but she couldn't lie to Kirsten. "I'm doing okay."

"Just okay?"

"Yeah. Just okay."

Kirsten nodded. "I understand that. I'm here for you, if you ever…"

"Oh, I know. It's just…hard. I talk to Ryan and Marissa has been surprisingly supportive since she started rehab…there's just not much to say, you know? I'm sad…"

"I know. Me, too. He really…knew how to fill a room. I had no idea it was possible to miss someone this much. Even when my mother died…at least I had time to come to terms with it before she passed…Seth was just gone," Kirsten replied.

"I know. I miss him…in my bones," Summer admitted.

"Me, too, honey." Kirsten replied, putting her arm around her comfortingly. "I don't know how I would have gotten this far without you and Ryan. You guys…you're the strongest kids I've ever met. It's going to take time for all of us. You just have to give yourself time to heal."

She nodded. She knew. But there wasn't enough time in the world to make her stop loving Seth Cohen.

"Can I ask you something? You don't have to answer, but…"

"What?" Summer asked, curious.

"Are you seeing someone?"

"What? No, why would you think…"

Kirsten motioned to her neck.

"What?" Summer mimicked her, putting her hand against her neck but not feeling anything.

"You have a hickey," Kirsten said, blushing.

"Oh, God…" she realized, starting to stand up and go to the bathroom but Kirsten stopped her.

"You have a right to move on…" Kirsten said softly. "But…I don't want to see you get hurt. Just…be careful, okay?"

"I…" Summer didn't know what to say.

"It's none of my business…just be careful, okay?" Kirsten said, straightening her collar for her to cover up the hickey. "I have concealer upstairs if you want to use it, in my bathroom in the medicine cabinet.

_And now my days are short an my nights are long  
I lay down with memories of you that keep me going on, going on  
It makes me wonder as I sit and stare  
Will I see your face again  
Tell me, do you care_

She knocked on the door to Trey's motel room impatiently. He had to know she was coming; she'd called first like always.

Finally, he opened the door, looking worse than she'd ever seen him. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. He was drunk.

"What's up?" he grinned.

"You're drunk. Why are you drunk? You knew I was coming…"

Trey shrugged and turned his back on her as she followed him in. He sat down at the small table and took a sip of his dark liquor.

"Trey, what's going on? Is everything all right? Does Ryan know you're drinking?"

"Two weeks you've been coming here. Two weeks I've asked you to talk to me and every time, you just leave. You don't care why I'm drinking. You don't care about me and Ryan. If you did, you would have never started this whole thing," he snapped.

"What are you…"

"Ryan would kill me if he knew. Even though we're family, he'd kill me, Summer. Do you have any idea how he feels about you?"

"Chino and I are not a couple…"

"That's not what I mean and you know it," he snarled. "Losing Seth killed him, Summer. It's killing him every day, I don't even fucking recognize him because he's so depressed. You're like his sister; you're more family to him right now than I am. He's worried about you, he knows something's going on with you and he doesn't know what to do about it…and I just sit there and listen to him stress about it and there's nothing that I can say to make him better."

Summer's mouth was open, she'd never heard him talk so much, let alone say so much stuff that mattered.

"This is wrong. We both know it. And…and none of this drama has to do with me, but I don't want to hurt my brother anymore, he's been hurt enough." Trey looked at her, meeting her gaze with desperate eyes. "And I can't not care about you, no matter how much you want me to. I can't ignore my feelings for you. This is wrong."

"You have feelings for me?" she asked. "You don't even know me, Trey…"

"Exactly. I don't because you won't let me. You're just slumming, fucking the ex-con for some sort of twisted thrill…" he muttered.

"Trey…" she stammered.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't do this to Ryan and I won't do this to you," Trey sighed.

She was touched. She walked over and leaned down, kissing him, tasting the acrid whiskey from his mouth.

"Summer…"

"Shut up. You can break up with me after…"

But after, he'd fallen asleep, his face peaceful like a child, all his anger worked out through their frantic lovemaking.

She watched him sleep for a few minutes before quietly getting dressed and leaving.

He was right. She needed to leave him alone.

_And it makes me wonder  
When I see you in my dreams  
Does it mean anything  
Are you trying to talk to me _

She dreamed about Seth.

Every night.

His lanky arms around her.

His fresh smell

The feel of his curls between her fingers.

His laugh.

Seth was always laughing in her dreams.

It was only right that he was happy in her dreams. She didn't know if she could handle anything else.

She hoped he was happy where he was.

She hoped that he wouldn't forget her.

_I'm a stranger in my home  
Living life on my own  
Right now I just can't see  
'Cause I'm feeling weak  
And my soul begins to bleed  
And no one is listening to me, not even the trees _


	17. Sixteen

_AN: Mini-update. Finale coming soon. I swear.   
_

* * *

Summer was startled to find Ryan at her door when she opening it. "Ryan? Is everything okay?"

Ryan's eyes were unreadable. But dark.

"Chino?"

"Are you fucking my brother?" he asked quietly.

She couldn't think of the right answer fast enough so she knew he knew. He was looking through her.

He turned and started to walk away.

"Are you mad?" she called.

"No. I'm not mad." He stopped suddenly and turned to face her. "Does it mean anything to you?"

"No." The honesty came quickly.

Ryan turned again.

"Don't walk away, you came here for a reason…" she said.

"I came to find out why people were lying to me. What you do is your business."

* * *

Ryan had finally dozed off in his bed when he heard the doorbell ring. He didn't get up. Sandy and Kirsten were both up and his day of surfing had worn him out. 

He felt like he was getting his balance again. Despite the revelation of Summer and Trey's 'intimacy' and all the confusing feelings it entailed, he was internally relieved that it wasn't something worse.

He didn't like people lying to him period but when he wasn't stable, it only made everything shakier.

Summer and Trey's 'relationship', whatever it might be in reality, had nothing to do with him. They were both totally capable of making their own decisions.

He could tell that Trey was honestly beginning to care about Summer. He wouldn't hurt her. Ryan trusted Trey to treat the women he cared about reasonably well.

Summer was more of a mystery. He didn't know what she was doing. She wasn't the type to 'slum' out of rebellion or hatred for her wealth. And he knew that she was still in love with Seth.

He closed his eyes. They'd figure it out.

"Ryan. I need to talk to you. We need to talk," Summer's voice snapped his eyes awake.

"Summer?"

"Who else? Did you really think I'd let you walk away?"

"I'm not mad, Summer. Really."

"I don't care. Now that you know…I probably need someone to talk to about it all…Coop's gone another month…"

He sat up and she settled on top of the covers sitting beside him. "Okay."

She started to cry before he even knew what was going on. He put his arm around her and she cried into his chest.

"I'm sorry…I just…I needed to do something to try and get out of this…this hole I'm in…Cohen's the only person I've ever slept with and I needed to try something different…get out of myself for a little while…"

"Its okay, Summer…"

She pulled away, wiping her face and stifling her tears as she steadied herself. "I'm using your brother. I'm sorry…"

"He's a big boy. He knows what he's doing…"

"It doesn't make it right. Being with him…it's not like Seth. Trey's…quiet. Like you. He listens to me and doesn't make fun of me…and he doesn't touch me like Seth did…Trey's been around, you know? He makes me feel good and I don't have to think when I'm with him."

Ryan nodded.

"But I don't love him. He knows that."

"He cares about you."

"Which is exactly why I have to stop. I don't want that." Summer looked at him seriously.

"What?"

"The whole reason I started this thing with your brother is because I wanted to feel something. And the whole reason you won't take Lindsay back is because you don't want to feel anything…"

The idea fluttered through his brain for a short moment. "No. I won't take Lindsay back because she doesn't mean it. She doesn't know me well enough."

"She loves you…" Summer whispered.

"No, she doesn't. Not the way I need her to. I'm not emotionally capable of being anyone's boyfriend right now."

"I get that," Summer agreed.

"I'm not mad, Summer. And you can talk to me about anything…and I'm sorry that I snapped on you about it…I could just tell that something was going on and I panicked…it's your business."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"It's not my business. I know better than to get involved in Trey's sex life," Ryan smirked. They'd gone plenty of rounds in Chino.

"So…we're okay?"

"Yeah. Are you?"

"Am I…"

"Are you okay?" he whispered.

"I don't think so…I don't think I've been okay in a long time…"

He kept his arms around her, comfortingly. "I know the feeling. But I think…I think it'll get better. We can't push ourselves."

"I know…but…it's not just me, right? This is really hard…"

"Yeah. It is."

"I'm sorry…"

"I know. Everything's going to be okay."

* * *

Kirsten was in the kitchen sipping coffee when Summer appeared. She hadn't even known that the girl had stayed over. "Hey. Want some?" 

"Please," she nodded, sitting down. Kirsten poured her a cup and set it in front of her. "Thanks."

"You okay?" Kirsten asked.

"I don't think so. But…I'm better than yesterday. It's like…nothing that I do is making this better. I know it's going to take time, but…it's already been months since it happened and I know that I shouldn't still be in mourning," Summer replied.

"No one can tell you how long it's going to take for you to get over Seth, Summer. I still have days when I can't get out of bed. I still see him everywhere, hear his voice," Kirsten said gently. "Seth was your first love. Even if he wasn't…dead…he's always going to haunt you. I still hear songs on the radio that remind me of Jimmy…what you need to do is focus on making yourself happy because Seth…he wouldn't want you to be unhappy…"

Summer nodded. "I know. It's nice to hear it sometimes, though."

"Anything I can do, Summer?" Kirsten asked.

Summer sighed. "I…I talked to Ryan. He's…entirely too forgiving. I've been…I've been seeing Trey."

Kirsten was surprised. "Trey? He doesn't really seem like your type…"

"I was using him…trying to experiment a little…trying to snap out of this funk…it was a mistake and I hurt him, Trey, I mean. And even though Ryan says it doesn't matter…I know it does. I don't want to hurt either of them, Kirsten but it's a little late for regrets," Summer said.

"Oh, honey…I'm sure Ryan will understand. And Trey's a grown man, he'll understand, too. Have you talked to him?"

"Not since the last time I saw him. He…he was upset. He ended it, said he didn't want to hurt Ryan…or me. He's a good guy, like Ryan, but harder. Darker. I shouldn't have taken advantage of him," Summer sighed.

"I'm sure it wasn't all your fault. But you should apologize if its bothering you this much," Kirsten said.

Summer nodded and visibly steadied herself. "I think I'll go back to school next week. Distract myself. And I need a new project…"

"I hope you aren't considering Trey a project," Kirsten smiled.

"No, but…Ryan's birthday's coming up soon and I think we should do something. Something that will cheer him up and not remind him of Seth."

"We've been trying to get hints from him about what he wants, but he won't ask for anything. He says he has everything he needs…"

"Birthdays aren't about needs, they're about wants. I'll run it by Trey when I go to apologize. See what he can come up with," Summer said.

"Thanks. And Summer? I'm here for you."

"I know," Summer smiled.

* * *

Ryan was having lunch with Lindsay when he spotted his brother across the quad. "I'll be right back, okay?" 

Lindsay nodded through her mouthful of pasta and watched him hurry across the grass.

"Hey, man, what's up?" Ryan asked, giving his brother a friendly hug. He noticed the bag in his hand and the idling taxi behind him.

"Nothing. I just came to say goodbye. I need to get out of here for a while," Trey replied.

Ryan studied his face. "Summer?"

"It's…complicated. You know about Summer?" Trey asked, surprised.

"Yeah. I, sort of, figured it out. You're leaving because of her?"

"It's…complicated, Ry. I know I said I'd stick around to help you out but I ended up…falling for her. And she's not for me, I don't even know her, I'm just…starved for attention, I guess," Trey said, shuffling uncomfortably.

"Have you told her?"

Trey snorted. "Like she'd care. I know she's your friend, but…she wasn't ever really my friend. She got what she wanted from me, you know?"

Ryan nodded solemnly. There was nothing he could say.

"But I'm not going back to Chino. Sandy got me this job in a halfway house out in Fresno, set me up with a new P.O. and everything. It should be cool. A new start."

"I know all about those. You'll call me, though, right?"

Trey held up a shiny new cell phone. "Sandy got me this, too. He's a good guy."

"Yeah. He is. Take care, Trey. And…thanks for coming. You really helped me out," Ryan said honestly.

Trey embraced him and held him for a long time before letting go. "Take care, baby brother. And you better come and see me."

"Ditto," Ryan smiled. He waited until Trey got into the taxi before turning and walking back toward his table.

"Everything all right?"

"I guess. Trey's leaving. Moving to Fresno," Ryan said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Ryan…"

"He needs to move on with his life, too," Ryan replied. "I mean…him coming here was just what I needed. But I can't hold him back. He's not happy here, he needs to get his life straight."

Lindsay was still watching him with fierce concern. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. Actually…I am," Ryan replied. "I'm going to miss him…but at least he's staying out of trouble and getting his life together. I know where to find him."

Lindsay seemed relieved. "Good…that's good."

* * *

_"Letting go of the time  
In this other world that spins around for one…"  
--The Cure_

Ryan came home from school and found Kirsten and Monica chatting in the garden. Monica hadn't returned to work, spending her time with family and friends while she recuperated. He gave them both hugs and retreated into the house to start dinner.

School was better. Lindsay and Zach were filling his time between classes and he'd missed just enough school that he had to pay attention in class.

Distraction was working.

He felt better. More capable of dealing with day to day life, which was something he hadn't been able to do in a while.

It was like he was finally coming to the surface for air.

Kirsten and Sandy were better. He'd interrupted them kissing or snuggling at least three times in the past 24 hours alone.

They were working on the house, they'd finally decided on a satisfactory design for the rebuilding.

Summer was still a concern. He was getting better. He was 'getting over it'.

But she was regressing. He could see it last night when she cried in his arms. He could feel it in her glance.

And he didn't know what to do about it.

* * *

Summer opened her door with a sigh. "Ryan?" 

"You didn't call or come over all day. You okay?"

She stepped aside to allow him inside her room.

"What's up?"

She walked over to him and hugged him impulsively. "Bad day."

"I'm sorry. Want to talk about it?"

"Not really. Trey's gone."

"He came to say goodbye. Sorry he didn't call," Ryan said quietly.

She was surprised. Trey hadn't even bothered to tell her he was leaving. "I guess I didn't give him much reason to think I'd care," she replied honestly.

"Want to go out?"

She was surprised again. "What? Do you want to?"

"There's this big game tonight, championship game and I figured we could go somewhere and watch it on the big screen," Ryan said.

"Sports."

"Yes. Please?"

"What do I wear to watch _sports_?" she asked, gauging his reaction. She laughed at his perturbed expression. "Joking. Give me ten minutes."

"I'll believe that when I see it," he laughed.

* * *

The sports bar was crowded with people but Ryan and Summer snagged a table close to the screen. 

"Drinking?" the bustling waitress asked, pausing beside their table.

"You want to?" he asked her.

Summer shrugged. "Sure, can we get a pitcher of Miller and a large order of your hottest wings?"

"Beer?" Ryan asked, visible startled.

She shrugged again. "We're at a sports bar, we have to drink beer."

"Coming up," the waitress said, disappearing.

"I didn't even know you drank beer," Ryan said, relaxing.

"I can do a keg-stand like a professional frat boy," she said.

"You never cease to surprise me."

"Why'd you bring me out?" she asked.

"Because. You didn't let me wallow, so I'm not going to let you."

"Wallowing is so underrated."

Ryan laughed. "Come on, aren't you sick and tired of being depressed?"

"True…but…"

"I'm not saying that it's going to just go away…but I think we might have to work a little harder at moving on. Start doing things that we don't associate with Seth. I'm never going to forget him and it's always going to hurt that he's not here, but…we're still here."

Summer nodded. "I see your logic. But putting it into practice…"

"Summer, you taught me this. Taking me to Santa Monica, snapping me out of the funk…I'm here for you, too. You're my closest friend these days and I can't afford to lose you," Ryan said.

The waitress returned with two frosty glasses and a pitcher of beer. "Ten minutes on the wings."

* * *

Sandy had just dozed off on the couch when he heard the front door open. It was after midnight on a school night and Ryan wasn't home. 

"Shh…you're so busted if they hear us…" Summer's whisper carried to his ears.

Sandy tiptoed to the foyer and peeked out. Ryan was steadying Summer by the shoulders.

"Maybe if you hadn't finished that third pitcher we wouldn't be late," Ryan was saying.

Sandy could see that Summer was drunk, but Ryan seemed sober as he led her to his room. Sandy followed them, knowing that Ryan had spotted him.

A few minutes after taking Summer in, Ryan stepped out. "Sorry."

"Drinking?"

"We took a cab home. Summer had a lot more than I did, I stopped drinking at ten. It was stupid and I'm sorry, but…we had a good time."

Sandy was glad that Ryan had a good time but he was very upset about the drinking. "You promised me that you weren't going to drink anymore…"

"I wanted to see the game and…I don't have an excuse. It wasn't like before, I wasn't drinking to forget or to cope…I was just drinking because…"

Sandy waited for him to finish.

"Because it was nice to be a normal guy for a little while," Ryan said finally.

"You're grounded. And you have to tell Kirsten. But I'm glad you took a taxi and stopped drinking when you did," Sandy said, patting him on the shoulder.

"Thanks, Sandy. For understanding…I know it was a bad idea…but I really think it helped," Ryan said quietly, nodding toward his closed door. "She was pretty messed up, but she seems much better now. Despite the intoxication."

Sandy nodded. "I trust you, Ryan. And…it's good to see you having a good time…but I don't want you drinking."

"I'm sorry."

"Get some sleep, kid. We'll talk in the morning," Sandy said.

"I'm going to take the couch," Ryan said.

"Oh. Want to watch some TV, then?" Sandy asked.

"Sure," Ryan smiled.


	18. Seventeen

"Summer, just drop it already!" Ryan was so fed up with Summer's newfound enthusiasm for his birthday.

"I'll drop it when you give me an answer."

Zach and Lindsay approached. "Is she still interrogating you?" Lindsay asked, squeezing Zach's hand comfortingly.

Summer ignored their blatant affection. If Ryan could handle them dating then she didn't care either. Even though it was barely a month ago that Lindsay wanted Ryan back more than anything else in the world. "His birthday's two weeks away and he still won't make a decision."

"What are your choices again?" Zach asked Ryan. He rolled his eyes as Summer answered for him.

"Monica wants to throw him a cookout. Kirsten wants to drive everyone down to Mammoth. Sandy wants to have a luau and Ryan…"

"Wants everyone to shut the hell up about it. They all sound fun, Summer," Ryan sighed.

"Why don't you just pick one?" Summer demanded him, shoving him.

She'd been getting her fire back, or as Sandy called it, her 'bitch' back. She had become obsessed with his birthday and was determined to drive Ryan insane with her obsessive need to plan.

"Because, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and you've pimped the day out all over town when you know I didn't want to make a big thing out of it, that's why," Ryan snapped.

"I wouldn't have had to ask for ideas if you'd just give me something to go on," Summer replied, nonplussed.

"Please. I have two exams today, I'm so fucking tired of talking about this," Ryan sighed. He waved his hands and walked toward his class.

**b 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 /b**

Summer sighed as she watched Ryan storm off.

"He seems, kind of, pissed," Zach commented.

"Lindsay, what's your thinking?" Summer asked. "What do you think he wants to do?"

Lindsay was thoughtful. "Damn, Summer…he probably just wants to take it easy. Peace and quiet's usually his idea of a good time."

But Summer remembered seeing him pumping his fist at last week's game and the way his face lit up when he beat her at pool. Peace and quiet her ass.

"Why don't you just get him a cake and rent some movies, or better yet, let him watch sports," Zach suggested.

"That's so unoriginal," she snorted.

"Well, it's his birthday," Lindsay said.

"You're both invited to a brainstorming session tonight at the Cohens."

"Is Ryan invited?" Zach asked, amused.

"Nope. If he wants a surprise, he'll get a surprise," Summer replied.

**b 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15,** **16, 23, 42 /b**

Summer had ordered Ryan to make himself scarce that night so he took advantage of the opportunity to return his mother's call.

Dawn had been calling sporadically since he'd picked her up from jail.

She wanted to see him for his birthday.

Ryan was pleasantly surprised when he saw his mother walk into the small diner. He hadn't fully expected her to show up.

"Hey, baby," she miled and he embraced her gently.

"Hi, Mom," he said as they sat down.

"You're looking good. How are you?" she asked.

"Better than last time I saw you. How are you?" he countered.

"It's always a good day when I get to see one of my boys," she smiled.

He didn't think she was drunk, her eyes were clear.

"I saw you on the news. That robbery…how'd you handle that?"

He shrugged.

"I remember when your dad went away…you were messed up for a long time…"

"I didn't even think you noticed," he muttered.

"I noticed. I just wasn't really in a place to help you back then." She lowered her gaze. "Heard Trey came out and saw you."

"For a couple of weeks. He's doing pretty well," Ryan acknowledged.

"Well, I'm sure your…the Cohens have a lot of things planned for your birthday but…I wanted to take you out to dinner and give you a few things."

Ryan studied his mother. She came to him sober. That meant more than he could ever say. "It's really good to see you, Ma. Seeing you…it's a good birthday present in itself."

**b 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 /b**

Ryan returned home with the bags of gifts from his mother. Some pictures from his childhood, some clothes, a used tool set and several books that she'd found in her many moves.

"Can I come in now?" Ryan asked, peeking inside the house.

"The kids are all gone, come on in," Sandy grinned, opening the door for him. "Where have you been? Shopping?"

"I met Dawn for dinner. She gave me some early birthday gifts," Ryan admitted.

Sandy was visibly surprised.

"Its okay that I saw her, isn't it?" he asked, turning to face his quasi-father.

"I don't know, is it? How are you?"

"I'm…I'm okay, actually," Ryan replied. It felt strange to say it and mean it.

Kirsten patted the couch for him to sit down. "As long as you can handle it, then it's okay with us."

"It was nice. Did you guys have fun?" Ryan asked, sitting down and letting her take the bags.

"Summer's got some interesting ideas. But since it's supposed to be a surprise, you'll have to wait and see. What'd you get?"

"Take a look," Ryan motioned.

Kirsten pulled out the photo album right away, ignoring the random clothes and books. "Is this you when you were little?" Kirsten asked.

"Yep," Ryan smiled. "Mom gave me some old pictures, some of my old stuff."

"Oh, Sandy, look…he played little league," Kirsten squeed.

"For a few months in Fresno before we moved. And there's some good ones of me and Trey…and a coupld that I sent her in postcards…"

Kirsten had flipped to the back where there were several photos of Ryan and Seth and the girls. There was also several pictures of the Cohens and Ryan.

"She knew most of the pictures we had got burned up," he said quietly.

"I didn't know you wrote to her," Sandy said.

"Sometimes," Ryan shrugged.

"You really…you're really okay with seeing your mom?" Sandy asked him, still slightly disbelieving.

"Yeah. For the first time in a long time…it was okay. She was sober and…nice. It was nice," Ryan replied.

"Good. Good…"

"Sandy…she's always going to be my mom. I'm sorry," Ryan said quietly. "You just have to trust that I can handle it."

"Stop with the heavy talk," Kirsten said. "And start telling me about these pictures."

**b 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 /b**

Ryan held his hands up in surrender as he walked into the kitchen. Kirsten and Summer stopped talking immediately.

"I give up."

They stared at him.

"I give up."

"So, you'll tell us what you want for your birthday?" Summer probed.

It was three days away. And they'd changed his alarm clock to play the birthday song and he couldn't figure out how to make it stop. And his phone. And the answering machine on the house phone.

"Will you give me a little peace?"

"Peace, quiet, you'll have three whole days of peace," Kirsten nodded, smiling at Summer knowingly.

"Get Sandy. I'll meet you outside," Ryan grumbled, disappearing back into his bedroom.

"Am I allowed to squee?" Summer whispered.

"Not until he's actually told us something. For all we know, he's going to ask for a pony just to spite us," Kirsten replied.

Ryan drove with Summer sitting shotgun with Kirsten and Sandy in the back. Summer and the Cohens were bickering like family while Ryan listened to them silently.

Somehow, from the ashes, they'd made a new family. Not a better family, just different. Summer filled Seth's place partially. Her quick quips and unusual perspective filled the silences now just like Seth's banter used to. Ryan was still the sidekick, Sandy's partner and Kirsten's newfound rock of support. Kirsten and Sandy had almost regressed into their honeymoon state lately, giggling and tickling each other.

Slowly but surely, the pieces were falling back into place. Without Seth, they were taking a new form.

It took Seth dying for Ryan to really accept his place in the family. To accept how much he needed the Cohens. How much they needed him.

But Ryan would trade it all for just one more day with Seth. One more minute. And even though he was moving forward, he knew that he'd left a lot of himself in the grave with Seth.

"Chino, please tell me that you're not going to take us to the pawn shop," Summer said as he parked the car by the pier.

"The pawn shop?" Kirsten asked.

"Every time we come down here, he gets all choked up outside the pawn shop," Summer said, turning around in her seat to talk to her.

"Sandy, do you want to come with me?" Ryan asked, rolling his eyes.

"No, we're all coming, don't think we're letting you off the hook," Summer said.

The strangest part of their new 'family' was Kirsten and Summer's recent relationship. With Marissa still in treatment, Summer and Kirsten had bonded in a strange way. They were like girlfriends. They went shopping together, they experimented with each other's makeup, talked about boys and seemed to be sharing the same brain sometimes.

Even Sandy thought it was strange but he was too caught up in his wife's second adolescence to complain.

Ryan led the way to the pawn shop and stopped outside the glass window. "That's it."

"The…the guitar?" Summer scoffed.

"Yes. That's what I want," Ryan stated, crossing his arms and turning back to face them.

"Can you play?" Kirsten asked.

"Yep. Since I was five. My dad was in a band for a few years, he taught me," Ryan admitted.

"I can't believe you want a guitar, that's so…" Summer's face was still wrinkled in distaste.

"Take it or leave it, you wanted to know and I'm telling you," Ryan said.

"I think it's a great idea. I can't wait to hear you play, but I have a better idea than this pawn shop. Let's go downtown and see one of my old friends…he'll have something better," Sandy said, smiling widely and patting him on the back.

"A guitar. I never would've guessed," Kirsten said, still standing with Summer in front of the pawn shop as he walked away with Sandy.

**b 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 /b**

"Wake up, punk. It's time for you to get your lazy ass out of bed."

Ryan blinked away his sleep and recognized Luke Ward in his doorway. "Luke? Am I in hell?"

"No, dude, it's your birthday and Summer has pulled out all the stops for you," he grinned.

"Oh, god…how bad is it?"

"You're going to have to see it to believe it, man," Luke laughed, stepping inside and closing the door.

Ryan sat up and reached out to shake his hand. "I'm sorry I didn't call…"

"Don't apologize, dude. I can't imagine how hard it's been. I should be apologizing to you for not calling. But, happy birthday, man. This day is all yours," Luke smiled.

"More like all Summer's. Can you give me a hint?"

Luke laughed. "No way, dude, she's got her claws out already, trying to make sure everything's perfect. You better get dressed before she sends in reinforcements."

"I think I'm going to climb out the window…cover for me?" Ryan joked.

"No way, man. Did you just hear me talk about Summer and claws?"

"Damn. I'll see you in a few minutes. I know better than to keep them waiting," Ryan groaned, climbing out of bed and getting into the shower.

**b 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 /b**

Balloons. Every room was filled with balloons.

Summer made sure that they weren't too happy, no pink or blues, only whites and golds and silvers. Kirsten had convinced her that everyone liked balloons but Ryan hadn't even emerged from his bedroom yet and Sandy and Jimmy were already mimicking munchkins by inhaling the helium and chasing Kirsten around.

It was so strange for a grown woman to be afraid of munchkins, but she couldn't fault her.

Linday and Zach were already here and she'd even managed to convince Trey to come up for the day, promising him that she wouldn't talk to him unless he approached her. That was still something between them, but she knew that before she could attempt to fix it, he had to get over her first.

The comic book club geeks were due at lunchtime as were Julie and Caleb and Monica and all her family.

Marissa had been released from rehab a week early and was helping her in the kitchen.

It was so nice to have her best friend back, even if it was a faded version. This new Marissa was quieter, more thoughtful. She seemed slightly stronger after being forced to give up her alcohol.

"So…you sure Ryan's going to be up for all this?" Marissa asked, smearing a glob of icing on her finger and licking it off.

"Oh, he better be, the little punk wouldn't give me anything to go on," Summer replied. Another balloon popped and Kirsten squealed from upstairs.

"Here he is, in all his glorious grouchiness," Luke announced walking in with Ryan.

Summer and Marissa immediately launched into the birthday song and it was so horribly off key that it sounded much better when Jimmy and Sandy entered and joined in with their high-pitched munchkin voices.

Ryan laughed despite his drowsiness and embraced Marissa and Summer in one big hug.

"Happy birthday, Chino," she whispered.

"Thanks," he replied.

"This is just the beginning, all the important people aren't coming until lunch," Kirsten announced.

Ryan rolled his eyes but they were all pleased to see the smile on his face. He reached past Summer and dipped one of his fingers in the icing on his cake.

**b 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 /b**


	19. Fin

_AN: Thanks for everyone who stuck by me in this story despite my sin of killing Seth. I appreciate all the reviews and people who've encouraged me to finish this. Ta-da! _

* * *

Ryan watched as Monica's grandchildren chased bubbles on the beach.

Lindsay, Zach, Marissa, Summer and Luke were catching up and swapping stories on the patio and he saw Kirsten and Sandy cornered by Julie and Caleb near the grill.

It was a good day. Apart from the lack of Seth…it was one of the best birthdays he'd ever had.

"Hey, buddy," Trey smiled, sitting down beside him on the stairs. He pulled a cigarette from behind his ear and lit it, glancing to make sure Kirsten was far enough away.

"Hey. I'm really glad you could make it," Ryan grinned.

"Yeah. Me, too. Fresno's a lot different than I remember," Trey said.

"It was a long time ago."

"We never had birthday parties like this," he said.

Ryan nodded. Their parents hadn't really been the celebrating type.

"Remember the last year I lived at home? You took me out to the quarry and we drank all of AJ's whiskey and smoked all of mom's weed…that was a good birthday for me."

"You wouldn't even drive me home because you were fucking that blonde from the truck stop in the car," Ryan remembered.

"You didn't go home, punk, you went right to Teresa's."

Ryan nodded. True. He'd forgotten about that.

It was strange. He had lived so many different lives and he was only turning eighteen today.

Fresno and Chino with Trey and Dawn. Newport with Seth. Newport with Kirsten and Sandy.

"Don't start the Atwood brood, it's your birthday. What did I say?" Trey asked, reading him.

"I was just thinking. About…everything. I mean…how we ended up here. That was only a couple of years ago…"

"Ry. Some things are out of our control. You're where you belong. Seth would want you here. Yeah, he'd want to be here, too, but that's out of our control."

Ryan's gaze fell on the Cohens.

He loved them. He'd never give them up. "You would've liked Seth."

"I know," Trey winked, patting him on the back. "Now, while it's quiet, why don't you show me your guitar, I know you won't play it in front of everyone," he grinned.

Ryan got up and they managed to get inside before anyone even realized they were gone.

* * *

"I'll check in the house, Trey's gone, too, so they must be together," Summer told Kirsten as they got ready to put the candles on the second cake of the day. 

Everyone seemed to be having a good time, she'd seen Ryan laughing more today than the past month combined, and his smiles were genuine, not polite.

Trey had apologized to her as soon as she'd let him in the house and after a few minutes of awkwardness, he'd admitted that he was seeing someone in Fresno and that there were no hard feelings between them. So she felt confident to go looking for him and Ryan.

She pushed open the door to Ryan's bedroom a crack. She recognized the melody from the radio, but not the soothing strumming. She was surprised to see Ryan.

Ryan was playing the guitar with his bare fingers and Trey was quietly advising him from across the room.

She leaned against the door and smiled.

Ryan seemed at peace for the first time since the fire that took Seth from them.

"Hey," Trey recognized her presence first. Ryan stopped playing and smiled at her.

"You really can play," she said.

He smiled back. "Thanks, Summer."

"Time for cake."

"More cake?" Ryan groaned.

"Come on," Summer said. "It's present time, too."

"More presents?"

"Of course," she replied, walking over and pulling him to his feet. "Come on, Chino. You, too, punk," she nudged Trey.

Ryan embraced her suddenly. "I mean it. Thank you."

She put her arms around him. "You deserve it. You're my best friend and you deserve this."

* * *

Sandy closed the door as Monica and her family followed Caleb and Julie to their cars. Somehow, Ryan had been adopted into another family and seeing him play with Monica's grandchildren was something he'd felt blessed to see. 

"Hey." The high-pitched helium voice startled him.

He turned around and Kirsten kissed him passionately, pressing him against the door.

Ryan had told him that they were acting like newlyweds, but he'd always loved Kirsten.

Since the first time he kissed her, he'd been in love with her.

Desperately.

She giggled and finally ended their kiss, leaving them both breathless.

"What's gotten into you?"

"I'm happy. Ryan's happy and you're happy and…"

Sandy laughed.

"I didn't think I could ever be happy again…but…as much as I miss Seth…I can finally see past the fire. He's…watching over us, Sandy and I feel like he's happy that we're happy…"

He held her tight.

He loved her so much.

"Ryan's going out with the kids…want to go upstairs?"

"Honey…" he started.

She kissed his neck. "We'll make it quick…we can be fully clothed before anyone gets back…"

* * *

"Chino, what the hell are you planning? Why are we hauling around all these balloons?" Summer called, batting at one of the straw balloons that had floated into the front seat of the Hummer. 

Zach, Lindsay, Luke and the comic book club were following and parked their cars in the lot outside the graveyard.

"I just think that we need to put these balloons to good use," Ryan said. "Besides, if we don't I think Sandy and Jimmy would have some kind of helium overdose."

She giggled.

All his friends had balloons in their hands, the ribbons grasped in their palms.

He led the way to the well-manicured grave with a picture of Seth's smiling face etched in the marble.

"Ryan?"

Summer's hand found his and he turned to face his friends.

"I just wanted Seth to be a part of this day. Thanks, guys, for coming out todayand for sticking with me. It's been…a rough few months and I know that all of you have been right there with me. I just…wanted to say thanks," Ryan said.

"Cohen loves balloons," Summer smiled.

After a long moment of silence, they let go of their balloons.

Ryan watched as the balloons floated up into the blue sky.

FIN

_Thanks!_


End file.
